Before we start, a bit of advice: don’t google “star kris is gay” looking for a photo of this magazine cover without your SafeSearch on. It’s not accurate.

So it turns out Kris Humphries is gay, or at least that’s the word from the woman who just married him for real because they loved each other. Of course his rep is issuing statements about how the accusations are “completely false and ridiculous,” adding, “He is not gay”, not ever stopping to just say “what, are you serious? It’s 2011, stop being stupid”. YOUR GAY in all caps with the improper possessive adjective shouldn’t still be a thing, especially from adults with television shows, and the only reason I’m sharing this cover is because of the awesome, almost Middle Earth-style universe it creates with its sub-headlines.

He wouldn’t touch her after the honeymoon
WHAT KHLOE SAW
Now: Kris vows to DESTROY the Karashians!

They could’ve written SPIDER-MAN: NO MORE across the top and it would’ve been just as reputable. “What Khloe saw” is pretty funny because the TMZ super capitalization for emphasis and because you can make lots of great “she could see over everybody” jokes, but the Jack Kirby finishing line is the best. I love the idea that Kris Humphries is a gay mad scientist who managed to trick his way into the family, but now that his evil dark gay secret has been revealed he’s quitting sports and championing a bunch of maniacal robots to destroy Kardashian Headquarters. He could wear a rainbow cape. Star Magazine is a better comic than at least 48 of the DC 52.

And I don’t know what the hell is up with Guy Fieri and BOOBS, BABES AND MURDER down in the corner, but I hope they weren’t gay babes, and I hope it wasn’t gay murder.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

Continuing the theme of homosexual suggestiveness from yesterday’s post about Indians fans who are not necessarily into kissing each other, Toronto Raptors teammates Leandro Barbosa and Reggie Evans have caused a homophobic maelstrom on the Internet by playfully holding hands on their way back to the locker room after Sunday’s 102-98 victory over the Magic. Come on, these guys defeated MAGIC, they deserve to celebrate.

Without a lot of context provided (because seriously, who needs context), here are some of the now-disabled YouTube comments, courtesy of OutSports, the same site that once called me out for saying other people think pro wrestling is gay. Be cautious of inappropriate language, starred or otherwise.

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Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe has made a name for himself with his ability to literally drop the ball, and now he’s expanding his repertoire into the figurative realm. Bowe told ESPN the Magazine the lurid details of his veteran teammates using MySpace and Facebook to recruit female groupies to wait for the players in their hotel rooms when they would arrive for road trips. I think I speak for heterosexual males across the globe when I say: Dwayne. Dude.

Ol’ Blabbermouth explained that he first became aware of these social networking sexcapades as a rookie when the team played at San Diego and his elder teammates went as far as to fly girls into town for some… consultation. The girls, in turn, used Internet resources to learn about the players, both on and off the field, to create a feeling of comfort before they got down to the sexin’. It’s unknown whether or not the players paid the girls for sex, but if they did I’m sure Dwayne will let Sports Illustrated know all about it.

Accept my friend request, Kansas City Star:

“Anyway, these girls had the whole top floor. They know everything about us — first and last names, sisters and brothers, salary. This one girl was talking to me like she’d known me for years. ‘Hey, D-Bowe, how’s Grandma?’

“I’m like, ‘How do you know my grandma?’ She knew that I talk about her every time I’m interviewed for a story. I told her I had a girlfriend, but she didn’t care. She was wearing my jersey, sitting in my lap, making it look like we knew each other. Then she took a picture and put it on Facebook. That almost got me in trouble.”

Bowe has since met with Chiefs coach Todd Haley and the pair has been silent with the media in regard to further details. Bowe’s teammates, in the meantime, have signed the inconsistent receiver up for a Foursquare account so he can locate his talent.

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