If you aren’t familiar with the works of Popek Rak, he’s a Polish rapper (or “raper”) turned MMA fighter with a career record of 2-1, a desire to mutilate his body in one way or another and nobody telling him to stop being such a dumb idiot.

I have to warn you up front: your introduction to Popek Rak will not be a pleasant one, and both of the videos (after the jump) come with an extreme graphic violence warning. Nobody gets killed or anything, but in the first one Popek gets tattoos ON HIS EYES, and in the second he gets intentional scarification of the face, done by … well, sawing off huge chunks of his face. By the end of the second clip he’s spitting and smoking and bleeding from the entire right side of his head, mumbling about how motherf**kers are no longer jumping on his dick.

Ladies and gentlemen, Popek Rak.

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While I was busy feeding orphaned tiger cubs with my philanthropy group, Hunks Without Borders, San Diego played host to the “Red Bull: New Year. No Limits.” daredevil showcase on New Year’s Eve. The event was a huge success for many reasons, if your thing is watching people ride motorcycles and snowmobiles really fast and far, but the main reason was that riders Robbie “Maddo” Maddison and Levi LaVallee, which is coincidentally my sister’s porn name, both set world records for the longest jumps.

Madison broke his own world record of 351 feet by jumping his motorcycle 378 feet and 9 inches, while LaVallee also broke his own world record of 361 feet by jumping his snowmobile 412 feet and 6 inches. And to make it even more extreme, wicked, rad and whatever else the hip kids are saying these days, they did it at the same time. I bet that’s not the only thing they did at the same time that night… *whispers* your mom.

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Because bullfighting isn’t weird and barbaric enough, Egyptian strongman al-Sayed al-Essawy (Arabic for “I said I’m sorry”) plans to fight a full-grown African lion in front of the Pyramids at Giza, claiming that “the world will flock to see the Egyptian man who defeated a lion with his bare hands.”

“After the revolution, with the economy the way it is, I’ve been given the perfect opportunity to realize my dream,” he says.

Well, I’m glad those people were fighting for something. I think we can all empathize with el-Essaway’s dream. When I was a kid, I wanted to one day strangle an adult elephant in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, but our stupid economy stayed strong and I never got the chance. At the risk of just copying and pasting the entire hilarious, awful article from Time’s NewsFeed, al-Sayed discovered his “incredible strength” at age 13 and promised himself he’d fight a lion. He explains: “If America, or any other country, had a man with the ability to combat the strongest creature on the planet, they would properly promote him, and use his strength to their advantage.”

So how has el-Essaway been training for his big day? Why, by fighting dogs, of course!

To no great surprise, several animal rights groups have taken issue with al-Essawy’s plans, fueled by his revelations that he fights dogs to prepare for the battle. He defends his actions by saying that he won’t be armed and will only kill the lion if it’s, “a matter of life and death.” When the publication raised the obvious question of when fighting a lion isn’t a matter of life and death, he replied, “It’s up to the lion. If he chooses to withdraw, or surrender, and lets me tie him up, then I will not kill him and the fight will end.”

I’m pretty sure this guy is going to put on a vest and come to America to bury Spider-Man alive at some point in his life.

In the most relaxing NBA fan video you’ll watch all day, Andres Gabriel Pita of the Miami-based Latin Urban Pop musical trio “Los Primeros” gives the Miami Heat a playoffs pep talk and causes you, the viewer, to die from an epileptic seizure. I originally formatted this post in the style of Pita’s video, but. I. broke. my. fingers. trying. to. emulate. HIS. style. of. VIDEO. production. He jump cuts between every word, sometimes in the middle of words (sometimes into nothing but screaming) like some Negaverse Ray William Johnson tripping on Bloody Eye and Code Red Mountain Dew. To the right is a screen grab of him EXPLODING INTO FIRE.

I think the best part of the video is when he gives up on talking about basketball to shout “boobies,” then makes a little fart noise with his mouth and gestures like he’s toothpasting milk out of his tit. Oh, and then there’s the part near the end (if you can make it to the end without blacking out) where he starts naming off ancillary Heat players with funny names like he’s Tom Haverford naming off foods. Eddie House is “Eddie Casa,” and I’m pretty sure Mario Chalmers is “long ass rice.”

In a related story, here’s the pep talk video for the Orlando Magic.

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Professional high diver Darren Taylor is more famously known as Professor Splash, and for the past 25 years the Colorado native has traveled the world, breaking records for shallow water diving. According to his website, Splash is regarded as the greatest stunt diver in the world, and I will take his word for that because I’m not going to lose an important thought by learning another new fact about high diving.

The good professor boasts that he holds World Records in Italy, Spain, Germany, Japan and the United States, and while I’m not sure how you can hold world records in different countries, I’ll admit I’m a little out of my element here. Splash’s latest Guiness World Record was recorded recently at the University of Science and Technology in Norway, after he dived from 35 feet into 12 inches of water. And they say that Americans can’t be the best anymore.

Video of Professor Splash’s insanity world record after the jump…

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