One of the more unheralded events in a pro wrestling fan’s life is the semi-annual WWE Fire Sale, wherein the world’s most profitable sports entertainment and Slurpee cup company realizes it is paying a bunch of people hundreds of thousands of dollars to do nothing and starts firing everybody. For the performers, I imagine this to be a stressful time of uncertainty. For the fan, it’s great for a few reasons; we get gossipy stuff to talk about (in a world where only deaths and on-screen results constitute real news) and an improved chance of seeing some of our favorite superstars at independent wrestling shows and comic book conventions. Usually the cuts come around Wrestlemania in the Spring, but the rosters remained mostly unchanged until the WWE quarterly report rolled in.

The only thing wrestling news sites like PWInsider.com are reporting is that I’ve just won a free iPad, so here’s a quick rundown of the performers who caught the axe today. In case more releases happen after this post goes live, I’ll update it, so keep checking back.

Melina
Melina (real name Melina Perez) is the biggest cut announced so far, as she’s a two-time WWE Divas Champion and three-time WWE Women’s Champion who has been with the company since 2004. She’s the real-life girlfriend of Raw star John Morrison and hasn’t done anything better than being the object of affection for Zack Ryder’s dad on Z! True Long Island Story since about 2008. She currently runs a Twitter account that makes you feel weird about her real-life personality and informs you of her love of Skittles.

WWE wishes her well in her future endeavors, but they say that to everybody. There is a 1:1 chance she will be TNA Knockouts Champion before Wednesday.

Chris Masters
Masters joined World Wrestling Entertainment in 2005 and was a regular contender for both the WWE and Intercontinental Championships until his release in 2007 for multiple violations of WWE’s Substance Abuse and Drug Policy. “The Masterpiece” returned to WWE in 2009, reinventing himself first as a muscular guy who could make his pecs bounce to music (don’t ask) and then as a legitimately fantastic, under-the-radar pro wrestler on their “Superstars” show. Masters is most famous for his submission finisher “The Masterlock”, a full nelson that couldn’t be broken until Bobby Lashley showed up and started ruining everything for everybody.

With a great look and a new-found passion for pro wrestling, Masters should be able to find a job competing anywhere, especially Japan. The joke about him showing up in TNA as “Masterful” Chris Mordetzky (“we know who THAT is, Taz!” etc.) would’ve been funnier a few years ago.

More after the jump.

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I tried to find a picture of a bull standing triumphantly in the streets of Pamplona with a bunch of dead, trampled people and some destroyed buildings in the background, but apparently that never happens, and it’s just about 50,000 people herding an animal to a stadium where it’s stabbed in the neck repeatedly until it dies, and then a guy dressed like a figure skater celebrates like he accomplished something difficult.

Sports

Bulls on Parade: A Heartwarming Gallery from the 2011 Running of the Bulls - There’s a big post about this directly beneath me, but if you’re the type who clicks directly into these things and/or has problems with short-term memory loss, please revisit Friday’s gallery of drunk people, confetti showers and bulls about to stomp Spanish people to death. With Leather

The Hot Girl Swedish Sweater Swap - Another choice post from Friday that you might’ve missed is this one, which starts off as a “can ya believe this happened?” sort of deal and evolves into a hot girl gallery with a Swedish lady’s sweaty butt. And then it ends with a Parks and Rec joke. Basically it is the perfect way to spend 10 minutes. [With Leather]

Six People LeBron James Should Meet During the Lockout - I try to let others on the Uproxx network handle stories and editorials about LeBron, because mine are always the same. The first person I’d have him meet would be the Black Racer (from DC Comics, not from Kenya) and then the rest of the article would sort of build from that. [Smoking Section]

Not Sports

People Really Did Shut Up and Eat Their Awesome - Transformers 3: A Momentary Lapse of Reason brought in a record 999 billion dollars at the box office over the weekend, proving that we truly deserve every terrible movie some asshole spends 200 million to make. Lesson learned: People don’t want to see super heroes, they want to see blackface robots with big swinging robot balls. (note: The picture of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley featured is the best picture of her ever, because you can’t see most of her face) [Gamma Squad]

TV’s Most Memorable F-Words - Any list that features both “The Wire” and the British version of “The Office” is awesome. All it needs is an F-word from “The Wonder Years” and it’s covering the best shows ever. [Warming Glow]

10 Unfortunately Named Doctors - This is one of those things you don’t think you’re going to laugh at because, come on, you’re an adult. But then you see a guy named “Dr. Dooms” and start laughing, and pretty soon you’ve ready 45% of Buzzfeed and your Morning Links post is almost late. [Buzzfeed]

Paul Blart: Zookeeper Is the Kevin James Falling Downingest Film of the Summer - I’m happy Kevin James had a TV show for like 10 years so I can know for sure to avoid anything with Kevin James in it. You might be Paul Blart, but I’ll always remember you as the dormant homosexual who wanted to do it with Hitch. [Film Drunk]

I’m just gonna spit it out, because the headline is the punchline: A Massachusetts woman was arrested Thursday for hitting her boyfriend in with a baseball. And not one of those River City Ransom things where you hold the baseball while you punch, she threw it at his face.

26-year old Maritza Alvarado faces a charge of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon after a heated argument led to a fastball to the f**king forehead. The story refers to her as a “Methuen resident” and it seriously took me five minutes to look at the AP header and realize that’s a place in Massachusetts. Not surprised to see a couple of Meth residents having a run-in with the cops.

The boyfriend in this story is what we on “The Wire” like to refer to as “a good soldier”.

The man, who police did not identify, was found with fresh bruise on the left top of his forehead. When asked what happened, he told police Alvarado got mad and threw something at him then refused to speak further about the beaning. He refused to seek a restraining order against her and would not talk to police.

It was unclear if Alvarado had an attorney.

…because it’s totally this guy.

In a related story, I wonder if Derek Jeter could get police to arrest a woman by saying she hit him with a baseball, whether she actually did or not?

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

I spent my weekend watching Minor League Baseball and attending an independently-promoted women’s professional wrestling tournament, and since those are the two things I love nobody else in the world wants to read about, here are links to other things.

Sports

The Greatest Atrocity in the History of Sport - If you didn’t read Punte’s piece about BMX and Raisin Bran from last week, you’re missing out on one of the best things I’ve seen since I got here. In a perfect world, we’ll be doing stuff like this more often. Support it! [With Leather]

10 Things I Learned From Watching the NBA Draft - And don’t forget Burnsy, who manages to produce something like this every week and blow me out of the water. Also, my review of watching the NBA draft would just be a multi-pager with “uhhhhh” and a picture of David Stern on every page. [With Leather]

Ron Artest = Metta World Peace - It became a tired old Internet thing to mention before it even became news, but in case you need to know what the jokes are about, read the Smoking Section’s take on Ron Artest and his humorous name change. Changing With Leather’s name to “Beta Blog Read”, brb. [Smoking Section]

Everything’s Bigger in Texas - Kissing Suzy Call-ber (© TH of The Wrestling Podcast) is on vacation, so listen to the House of Punte podcast in five minute intervals for the remainder of the week. [KSK]

Not Sports

Bieber’s Kelly Kapowski Shirt: The Domino Effect - I feel pretty sad to live in a world where a Canadian teenager can wear a shirt and change it, but I’m happy to live in a world where people wear Kelly Kapowski t-shirts. Technically shouldn’t a “Kelly Kapowski t-shirt” be a bra with a floral print? [Uproxx]

Every Opening Quote from ‘The Wire’ in Under 3 Minutes - Create your own The Wire opening quote! Here are a few examples: “Things we do? We just do ‘em.” – Bird. “How’m I spose’d t’open this can without a can opener?” – Lester. “Go Fish a game of chance, yo.” – Omar. [Warming Glow]

Battle of the Kirks - William Shatner was too awesome and handsome to’ve devolved into the wierd Center of Attention Shrek he’s become. However, I will support any television show that gets Avery Brooks TV time. [Gamma Squad]

Twilight Are Book Now? - It’s hard to believe people like this exist, and also extremely easy. Create your own Twilight quote! “I die in the light… but without you, I never would have found the darkness.” Ha, somewhere that hoggish British lady is bursting into tears. [Film Drunk]

Have you ever wanted to see Peyton Manning set someone on fire with a football? Well now you can, thanks to “Football Cops”, the upcoming DirecTV docu-drama (I’m assuming) from the producers of “The Wire” (I’m assuming) that pairs together the Manning brothers as cops from the “Sabotage” video and has them literally killing people (other than Giants fans) with passes.

The most fun part of the Football Cops video is reading every blogger’s attempt to figure out whether or not it’s an actual show or just a fun viral commercial thing. You can check out the “>show’s official home page and decide for yourself, then hop online and explain it thoroughly. My opinion? I just like jokes about football-themed cops being “out of bounds”. If it turns out to be real, I will send them $100 if they film a scene where a bunch of kids run by yelling AY YO OMAR COMIN’, OMAR COMIN’ and then Omar Gaither comes around the corner whistling “Farmer in the Dell”.

I think A.J. Feeley would work well in the Prez role.

Maybe they could get more than four people into Progressive Field. Hey Cleveland, maybe your owners would take your criticisms more seriously if you paid to see a game in any month besides “the last one.”

Sports:

Sari About Our Cheerleaders - Hockey got me into cheerleaders by putting them in yoga pants, and now the Indian Cricket Premier League is using cheerleaders to get me into cricket by making them a culturally-specific kind of hot. Although I still don’t understand cricket. I gotta know what a crumpet is to understand cricket. [Best Week Ever]

How Much Will You Save if There is an NFL Lockout? - A little spreadsheet math to make losing your favorite sport easier. I don’t know how much money I would save personally, but I hope I can draft Keanu Reeves as my quarterback in Madden 13. [Sara Sprague via Hot Clicks]

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