Hot damn, that's some serious hokey hockey humor.

I have been told that there is a strange underground movement in this country, and especially in the collective igloo villages beyond America’s northern border, for a barbaric competitive effort that involves men trying desperately to avoid falling through ice into freezing water by distracting the other men with a small black circle that is made of tobacco and bacon. They call it… hockey. At least that’s how it was described to me by the homeless meth head outside of Starbucks when I just paid him a dollar to flash a bus.

I plan on having my comprehensive NHL lockout-shortened season preview up by the end of this week, once I’ve finished looking over the league’s 4-day schedule that leads into a one-game Stanley Cup Finals. That’s what happens, right? My meth head was hit by the bus, so he didn’t get to finish.

Read the rest of this entry »

As we learned during Saturday’s UFC on FX 7 live discussion, Dana White’s empire has once again teamed with the restaurant franchise Hooters to make it the official watch party location for the new season of The Ultimate Fighter, which debuts tonight at 8 PM on FX. So if you’re excited about Team Sonnen vs. Team Jones – as you should be – and you also prefer your fried food to be delivered by the daughters of former hair metal video vixens, then today is your Christmas.

Alas, I type before you today with a heavy heart as the bearer of bad news. It seems, friends, that the fine people at the Buffalo wing breastuary have decided that Hooters, in spite of its empowering history, needs a makeover. That’s right, the franchise that helped a young Jon Gruden earn his first paycheck and many a sorority girl sidestep membership fees on SeekingArrangements.com is going “family friendly”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here Heidi master 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Watermelons'.

First the bad news. I was doing my morning reading, scrounging for in-depth, intelligent stories – AKA pictures of cats wearing sombreros – when I stumbled across the headline, “Heidi and Spencer saved from eviction…” I stopped reading at “eviction” because I was like, “Well f*ck, who the hell is saving these worthless losers?” but it turns out that they were saved from eviction on Celebrity Big Brother, which means the worse news is that people still think these clods are celebrities. But the good news is that this is the British version of Celebrity Big Brother, so that means England is stuck with them now. That’s how this works, England. You f*ckers gave us Cher Lloyd, so you have to take “Speidi”. Tough tits, Brit bros.

Now on to the sports news. Speaking of horrible fake celebrities and wanting to punch things, The Ultimate Fighter 17 debuts on Jan. 22 as Team (Jon) Jones and Team (Chael) Sonnen will undoubtedly make for a season of incredible trash talk. As our good friends at Cage Potato have pointed out, one of the guys competing on this season is already pretty well known. It’s former Strikeforce middleweight Kevin Casey, who sports a 5-2 career record.

Unfortunately, he’s also the guy who taught Heidi and Spencer Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and I’m afraid that we can’t let him off the hook just yet.

Read the rest of this entry »

OH GOD I JUST READ MY OWN HEADLINE

Ray Elbe — you may remember him from season 9 of ‘The Ultimate Fighter — suffered an injury that no man should have to suffer. If the headline didn’t make you gag and step away from the computer, here’s the nicest way I can put it … he was having sex with his girlfriend, slipped out of her as she was going up, then suffered the consequences as she was coming down. And by “consequences” I mean SHE BROKE HIS PENIS IN HALF.

“I ended up fracturing my penis bone … I tore the urinary tract, tore some membrane — as it happened you can imagine the shock and the horror that was going on,” Elbe said in the video. “I jumped up from the intimate moment, blood shooting out of my groin. I immediately tried to run to the shower, felt myself losing consciousness, tried to walk back to the bed at which point I collapsed, knocking myself out. I gave myself 10 stitches and fractured a couple teeth.”

Elbe wrote about the situation (pretty accurately described as “as close to death as you can come without dying”) on his blog, MagicalRay.com, and if there’s ever been a time to NOT end a sentence with LOL, it’s this one:

This is probably the worst nightmare you can think of. The biggest problem people suffering from this medical emergency encounter…is not immediately seeking medical attention … I hope my story helps someone with a similar injury in some way…as this experience is truly something you would never wish on anyone..lol

Nobody is laughing.

[h/t (or should that be a d/t?) to Larry Brown Sports]

Pat Barry says what needs to be said. Pro gun control or anti-gun control or liberal or conservative or what, just shut the hell up and hug your friends. We’re going to try to be funny this week, and if we fail, we’re sorry. It’ll come back to us eventually. (via Cagewriter)

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

The Best And Worst Things About The Sci-fi Movies Of 2012 |Gamma Squad|

The Internet’s 15 Best Tributes To ‘Home Alone’ |UPROXX|

‘SNL’ Recap: Martin Short And Paul McCartney |Warming Glow|

Mysterious package addressed to Indiana Jones arrives at U of Chicago |Film Drunk|

Some Iowa Baseball Players Are Being Haunted By A Ghost That Steals Panties |With Leather|

10 Must-Have Liquors For The Holiday Season |Smoking Section|

Danny Amendola Got Grit In Your Eyes |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Read the rest of this entry »

Chael Sonnen, on Jon Jones:

“I have friends on the card. I have fighters who and scratching and clawing their way through the undercard to the prelims, even the main card guys … their whole future depends on the check that they were gonna earn for doing their job next week. That’s all been taken away from them, because one selfish brat didn’t want to go in there and fight. You know, I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand how you could put yourself in front of the company and the industry. … He’s with Nike, Nike should change their motto with Jon Jones to ‘Just Do Nothing’.”

Jon Jones, on Chael Sonnen:

“The things you say about me hold absolutely no weight, you disrespected Anderson and his country but fought like a child. If you’re going to disrespect me out of nowhere, at least disrespect me to my face like a man. And you call me a punk, I’m more man than you’ll ever be. #Coward #Cheater. You’re not worth my time. Earn a title shot instead of trying to talk your way into one and I’ll be glad to hurt you.”

They’ve got a title fight set for April 27th and have been named as opposing coaches for the next season of ‘The Ultimate Fighter’. This is serious business, and shit’s about to go down. Here’s a picture of them palling around at Thanksgiving, taking cheesy holiday pictures.

Wait, what?

Read the rest of this entry »