I’ve never fought professionally, so this video has taught me a valuable lesson — if a guy has his body wrapped around my arm and is trying to break it, I shouldn’t stand up and shake my arm around to make him stop.

By way of Cage Potato comes this clip from ‘The Ultimate Fighter: Brazil’ of Rony “Jason” Mariano Bezerra giving Team Wanderlei its first win, a first-round submission victory over Anistavio “Gasparzinho” Medeiros de Figueiredo. When they’re done ultimately fighting they should have a contest to see who can have the most names.

Anyway, sh*t gets real at the 1:40 mark, and a few moments and horrible noises later, Gasparzinho walks away with a spaghetti arm. Now Jason gets to square off with Hugo “Wolverine” Viana in the featherweight semis, and if I know anything about Wolverine I know it’s gonna take a lot more than that to break his arm. Advice: dismember him and bury the parts on different continents.

Two additional notes:

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NMA should turn this into an ongoing series. I want to know what happened to the poor Dodgers fan who had a McCourt lurking in his bushes.

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Links

The Animated GIF Bracket’s Final Four: Where Dreams And Nightmares Come True - YANKEE ENTHUSIASTS was robbed, that thing should win a Pulitzer. Please continue to vote MORTIFIED MICHIGAN PUNTER into the championship. [SB Nation]

Tommy Lee Jones And AMC Are Developing A Show About Football - I hope it’s just football guys going “I DIDN’T FUMBLE THAT BALL” and Tommy Lee Jones saying, “I don’t care!” [Warming Glow]

The 15 Greatest Knockouts in ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ History - Gifs of people being punched to death are a great way to start your Friday. Poor Solomon Hutcherson. [Cage Potato]

The South Park Memeing Episode: Instant Classic And KSK Relevant - Also, Everywhere Relevant. Here’s to hoping Faith Hilling doesn’t take off. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Conan’s Celebrity ‘Why Would You Tweet That?’ Bit Killed Last Night - Lenny Kravitz’s first love being “recording the same song over and over” is amazing. Maybe he’s like the lady from 50 First Dates. [UPROXX]

Two Boss Ways To Play Mario Kart - The day I was most jealous is when I found out the Cleveland Indians scoreboard guys played Madden on it. If I got to play Double Dash on that thing, I’d feel like God. [Gamma Squad]

Pranked Texas Granny Demands an Apology from Justin Bieber - Get in line, lady. [The FW]

Latest Entrant Into The Epic Drunk Hall Of Fame - A guy in a sombrero wears boxing gloves, jumps onto a cop car and shouts his name. Then he takes THIS mug shot. Worth your time. [Film Drunk]

Question Of The Day: Kidada Or Rashida Jones? - How is this even a question? What’s tomorrow’s question of the day, Alison Brie or the guy that plays Leonard? [Smoking Section]

Apparently Earth’s Mightiest Heroes Will Rock Out To Earth’s Crappiest Soundtrack - You sorta don’t expect it to be that bad when you read the headline, but holy sh*t, Papa Roach? In 2012? What is this, the WWE? [Pajiba]

Cats Vs. Dinosaurs - Technically don’t cats win for still being alive? [Buzzfeed]

Sports

Vegetarian Pig Slop and Heat Wave Rasslin: ACW’s Distrust, Dismay and Antisocial Behavior ’11 Review - I spent my Sunday night watching the best independent wrestling in Texas, and if you hop over to TH’s wrestling blog (“The Wrestling Blog”) you can read a bit about it. AND see my wonderful, cheesing mark photo with one of my favorite wrestlers in the world. [The Wrestling Blog]

First Look: NBA 2K12 “Greatest Trailer” - Hooooooly. I am going to buy this game the moment it comes out and pretend it is the greatest imaginable upgrade to Bulls Vs. Blazers. I am going to UTEP Two Step these guys SO HARD. I hope Tom Chambers is in here somewhere. [The Smoking Section]

Topps All Star Rookies Vs. Donruss Rated Rookies: Who Won Out? - One of my professional goals is to have the a scale replica of the Topps All Star Rookie trophy somewhere in my home. Also, to have a Pac-Man table machine. [SBN]

TUF 14 Cast Announced For Team Bisping Vs. Team Mayhem - I hope “Mayhem’s snitchy sister” is on Team Bisping. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

Joe Namath Inspired Wet Cheerleader Gallery - Easily the best thing Joe Namath has done since advising Bart Simpson about vapor lock. I wish there was a way Ice Girls could get wet. Maybe raise the temperature in the arena when they’re dancing? [With Leather]

Pro Wrestler Drives Car into Tree, Gets Arrested, Loses Mind - Get excited for today’s Best and Worst of Raw with a story about what happens when you stop being in the WWE and have to start being a real person. Also, failing miserably at being a real person. Also, getting angel blood? What? [With Leather]

Jim Irsay Isn’t Funny And 9 Other Thoughts - Football is happening, and if you’re the type who likes football (that is almost all of you), get in here and share your thoughts with Burnsy. Real sports coverage needs as much play and as many comments as the fake. [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - M’nerd Bill Hanstock has done a great job with this, which started off as one Dugout and turned into a multi-part event. Part three is coming today, so catch up on parts one and two. Part two has a great new screen name for Carlos Beltran. [Part 1] [Part 2]

Not Sports

The Best Quotes from Modern Family’s Gloria Pritchett - Sofia Vergara deserves your attention for something besides her amazing breasts. She deserves your attention for those, too, just for other things as well. For her amazing breasts. [Warming Glow]

Meme Watch: Annoying Childhood Friend Will Probably Find You on Facebook, If He Hasn’t Already - “Always asks for food at your house/won’t let you eat any of his food at his house” is so amazingly on point. Being an only child meant every friend I had was this kid, and that’s why I’m such a terrible friend. [UPROXX]

Fallon Set to Host SNL - This is fine, but please, don’t do the Barry Gibb Talk Show. It was something you shouldn’t have done twice, and you’ve done it about forty times. Justin Timberlake saying “no I don’t” is not funny. DO NOT DO BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW. [AOL TV]

Geeky Dog Costumes Have Never Been Cuter - Part of me wants to say “stick to bumblebees and hot dogs, those costumes are cute enough already” but no, I would absolutely dress my dog like a Totoro. [Gamma Squad]

I feel like we may’ve gotten off on the wrong clubbed foot with our new readers from Friday, so I want to dedicate an entire day to them. Today will be nothing but MMA coverage, from The Ultimate Fighter to UFC to our personally organized backyard hobo battles. Of course, by “today” I mean the first two links in today’s morning links, then probably nothing.

Sports

TUF 13 Finale GIF: My God, How Did Danny Downes Not Tap to That? - Like that image at the top of the post? Click over to Cage Potato to watch the gif. It’s sort of like the gif of the big fat guy powerbombing little girls into the swimming pool, except on television. I would’ve started tapping out the second they made me wear those shorts. [Cage Potato]

Joe Rogan Needs To Get Rid Of The Seaward - If you missed this unnecessarily controversial post from Friday, give it a read. If you already read it, go back and read the comments. You won’t believe how tactful people can be during anonymous conversation. One guy said I had a “jew face.” I can only assume that means “handsome.” [With Leather]

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Rumors of the death of MMA fighter Kimbo Slice have been greatly exaggerated. Slice, whose “government name” is Kevin Ferguson, was mistaken by someone on Twitter for a gentleman of the same name that died over the weekend.

Mr. Slice himself was alerted to his fans’ concerns, and logged on to reassure everyone. “I’m straight, y’all,” he tweeted. “Thnkx for the concern. Some1 else with the same name passed away earlier from my old neighborhood.”

–Zap 2 It.

But seriously, Twitter has been really light on the dead celebrities lately. Of course, Leslie Nielsen and Don Meredith both had to die on weekends. Thanks a lot, guys.

Kimbo Slice made his highly-anticipated UFC debut last night against the not-so-fit looking Roy Nelson, and it went about as well as the people that know said it would: Nelson got him on the ground and kept punching him in the face until the ref stopped it.

I was a bit disappointed in Slice. I think he would have had a shot here if he came out [for the second round] more explosive. He overwhelmed Nelson twice with punches and probably could have won if he was more aggressive. As I said before, it almost looked as if Slice was mentally defeated once they went to the ground. –Eric Gargiulo.

UFC president Dana White reportedly compared Nelson’s punching power to that of his own daughter. But to be fair, Nelson probably has better table manners and a vocabulary less becoming of an American sailor. I mean, “she’s coming about?” Who the hell talks like that? Oh, watch the full fight after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »