That jersey is real. It exists, and people wear it when they play hockey. In real life.

It’s the warm-up jersey for 2nd Eishockey-Bundesliga’s Landshut Cannibals, a “second-tier league” that is totally and completely fine with local whorehouses putting their logos on everything. Their primary sponsor is Germany’s Lustra brothel, which you probably figured out when you saw a hockey jersey with nipple silhouettes and a big bone across the middle. Remember last week when I wrote about the Tulsa Oilers having a Batman night? These jerseys are exactly like those, except instead of Batman, they’re for people who pay for sex.

The Reddit user who shared the image didn’t snap a pic of the front of the jersey, but thanks to the folks at Puck Daddy we can verify that yes, they are exactly the same kind of bad:

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German Nerd Dog says, "YOU VEEL STOODY!"

When you look at the state of colleges and universities in America, the conversation almost always turns to sports. On any given week, the headlines will be about whether or not student athletes deserve to be paid or if the government should be involved with eliminating the BCS in favor of a playoff system. Hell, this week is simply being dominated by the news of Joe Paterno’s resignation after 45 years as head coach at Penn State because his former defensive coordinator allegedly sexually abused young boys. Obviously, I’m not saying that isn’t huge news, but it just goes to show that we constantly neglect the true importance of college – an education.

Thankfully, Germany knows that education is the key to success. After all, why is all of Europe turning to Germany for economic help now? Is it because Germany is full of billionaires? Sure, that helps. But it’s also full of nerds, who spend more time studying than worrying about which conference their school’s team is going to join. And to help spread educational awareness, 24 students from the Technical University in Dresden made a calendar to show off their brains. And yes, I mean they almost got naked.

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Everything is coming up Germany as the newest Miss Germany was crowned, and while this has nothing to do with actual sports, it does involve competition, those crazy krauts in Germany, and a cow pageant. That’s right, Miss Germany is a cow, and not in the sense of “Hey bro, did you see the cow that D-Bone came home with the other night?” She’s a big old bovine beauty, and last week Krista the cow not only one this year’s title, but she also became a back-to-back champion.

To get her in top form for the competition, Krista’s owner sent her to a special training camp, where she was washed and brushed daily, in addition to being acclimated to the noise and stress that are part of each pageant. But it wasn’t exactly a supermodel-style weight-loss program. The cow from the town of Grossenkneten in Lower Saxony was actually encouraged to beef up with hay to achieve a round belly and firm, buxom udder.

For the owners, the beauty pageant is just for fun. But there is some pride that comes with helping a contestant make it to the top. Krista’s breeder, Jörg Seeger, was photographed giving the cow a happy kiss after her big win. (Spiegel Online)

Well of course he kissed her after he witnessed that firm, buxom udder. I’m getting so hot just thinking about it right now. But I’ll be honest, this all seems a bit tame for Germany, and I look forward to finding out that Krista is now a techno music superstar with a goat bondage porn addiction.

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It is futile to resist the comedy of Flula Borg, a Bavarian-born German DJ and Dirk Nowitzki supporter who has succinctly and amazingly stated everything wrong with the Miami Heat. I could blog about these guys for a hundred years and never get it this right. Highlights include LeBron James being French, velociraptor Chris Bosh changing Erik Spoelstra’s sh**ty diaper and Juwan Howard’s parents being 38 when they made him. “This is amazing! Congratulate, Juwan!” He might be clinically insane, he might be Borat, but his video is a must watch. And a must watch again.

I want this to be a fair and balanced sports blog, so if you see someone other than the Westboro Baptist Church protesting the Dallas Mavericks, please, send it along. I think my favorite criticism so far has been “Jason Kidd is old and not great.” Well yeah, obviously, but I was still shouting GAME OVER MAN when he drained that three.

[big H/T to Off the Bench]

With the futures of the NFL and National Basketball Association in jeopardy, we’re facing a world that would only offer us one great sport in baseball. After that, we’re left with that one game with the sticks and that other one with no hands. Thankfully, the cultural evolutionists in Germany are keeping their legacy of insanity and the future of sports alive, as the country hosted the third annual Office Chair Championships over the weekend.

The big winner was Pierre Feller of Luxembourg, as he bested a field of over 50 competitors while setting a new course record. Feller completed the 200-meter course in just under 27 seconds while hitting a top speed of 35 kph. My math may be off, but I believe 200-meters is 6,000 miles and 35 kph is light speed.

So how did Pierre do it, The Local?

“His lying-down technique was sensational!” gushed organizer René Karg of Feller’s winning run, before pointing out the strict regulations in place for the third championship of its kind: the chairs are allowed to be fitted with inline-skate wheels and handles, but no kind of motorized aid is permitted.

“We check each chair in advance,” said Karg.

See that, Major League Baseball? They check each chair in advance so there are no PED scandals here. Finally, a clean sport that I can get behind. And I’m already on my way. My co-workers call my office chair “Skid Marks”. Then again, that might have something to do with my love of Mexican food.

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The sports world keeps taking hits today, as Paul the Octopus has announced his retirement from the World Cup prediction business. Paul will instead now shift his psychic abilities to other ventures, as his handlers will weigh a series of offers that the eight-armed prognosticator has received. The octopus was, of course, a perfect 8-for-8 in World Cup match picks, making him far more famous than any of his cousins currently performing in Japanese adult films.

According to CNN.com, the people at Oberhausen Sea Life Center in Germany, where Paul spends his days honing his craft, have discussed bringing in more of Paul’s kind to create an academy of psychic octopi, with Paul as the headmaster. The other option is to use him in commercials for a variety of goods. When asked what he wanted to do, Paul replied: “What every rich octopus wants to do – two chicks.”

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