… or, “seven minutes in Texas”.

By way of my Facebook friendship with With Leather legend Josh Zerkle comes the story of a Texas family’s attempts to jump a small ramp on bikes that I can say without hyperbole is worth every second of its 6-minute, 58-seconds run-time.

Listing off the funniest parts of the video is like trying to explain the plot of Duck Soup. Hot Rod Lincoln and the Keystone Cowboy. Keystone Cowboy wearing a “reggalah oh oven mitt” because he couldn’t find his other glove. The fact that it’s “Daredevils take two“. “Aw lawd Hot Rod Lincoln”. Hot Rod lying on the ground hurt for like a minute and a half while his Mom taunts him, only to making lurid jacking-off motions to her. The dog who threatens to take a sh*t in the middle of the proceedings. Keystone Cowboy’s aborted backflip. Hot Rod only being able to communicate via WWE hand gestures. “Mawma LOOK Mawma LOOK Mawma LOOK”. “Speedy” being quiet the entire video and riding his bike over the ramp like it was nothing. At some point I expected Chico to wander onscreen in a Texas Longhorns shirt to make it even more absurd.

I probably live down the street from these guys.

[h/t to Chloe Alexander Reuland]

I was born in southern Virginia, so I can say that. Some of my best friends are drugged-out, gun-toting white people.

I’m guessing former NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield never thought he’d end up on half a page of TMZ, but here we are — 42-year-old who hasn’t raced in NASCAR since 2009 after failing a drug test (and failing nearly every drug-related thing after that) was arrested in North Carolina last night after cops say they found methamphetamine, stolen racing equipment and over 40 guns in his house. Yikes. If you need more clues to the kind of guy Mayfield is, he was last in the news back in April when five of his dogs attacked a mail carrier. Hooray for substantiated stereotyping!

As we previously reported, cops had searched the home on a warrant after receiving a tip about stolen property inside Mayfield’s pad. Captain [Joel] Fish says cops seized all sorts of items they believe to have been stolen — including Red Bull Racing gear, commercial sound equipment and industrial machinery. Cops also claim they found 1.5 grams of methamphetamine inside the house.

Mayfield was arrested for felony possession of meth. He was released after posting $3,000 bond.

To his credit, if I had access to a Red Bull promotional speedsuit I’d have stolen it, too. Honestly, my biggest concern is what Captain Fish (who sounds awesome) and TMZ consider “industrial machinery”. Like, did Mayfield somehow sneak a smelter in his home? Maye that’s how they qualify meth labs, and he had an assembly line or something. I don’t know, I don’t do meth.

Pete Townshend, the frontman axman for that one band that does all the intro music for the “CSI” shows, registered in Britain as a sex offender in 2003 after being caught in the middle of a child pornography sting. And now the advocacy group Protect Our Children is sending these cards to about 1500 residences near the site of Super Bowl XLIV to “alert” the community. As if The Who would be driving down their route to the stadium from the airport and then suddenly veer off-course for a quick bite of third grader. –Big League Screw.

It seems like just a month ago that I was depressed by the existence of the Redneck Games in Georgia.  Well, fire up the Zoloftmobile, because those Redneck Games inspired Texans to host their own Redneck Games.  And good times were had by all, with thousands of revelers either participating in or watching such noble events as the "mattress chuck" and the delightful "butt-crack contest."

By the time the latest Redneck Games ended Sunday, more than 54 arrests and citations had been issued on charges ranging from public intoxication to speeding…Officials are considering charges against the organizer and landowners where the event was held.

"I'm an old fuddy duddy and all that, but you got a vehicle, you got alcohol, and you got illegal dumping, and you're making a contest out of that?" said Lt. Pat McWilliams, sheriff's spokesman. "We are very fortunate that we didn't have a fatality."

Yes, I totally agree.  If by "fortunate" he means "unfortunate."  And by "fatality" he means "cleansing asteroid strike."

As Deuce of Davenport pointed out, the Redneck Games were held last weekend in East Dublin, Georgia, and dear God this makes me want to kill myself.

Bobbing for pigs feet was one of the highlights of the games… Some of the other events included a mud pit belly flop contest, redneck horseshoes [using toilet seats instead of horseshoes], seed spitting and, of course, an armpit serenade.

ELIZABETH CURRY, REDNECK: "They probably think it's a lot of fighting and drinking, which, there is some drinking now. A lot of fighting, carrying on, that we ain't got no sense but there's a lot of folks out here that's got some sense."

One of the great things about America is that it's this big melting pot where there are like three or four neighborhoods that actually have true diversity.  Most often, people live in homogeneous communities and embrace their jackass stereotypes, ensuring that racism lives on for another generation.  They may as well have the Italian-American Olympics where all the athletes speak in ridiculous accents.  "Hey!  Why-a you make-a fun-a Luigi?"  That, or sent a bunch of white reporters to cover the NBA All-Star Game in Vegas.