Probably the saddest thing ever covered by 24 hour news. They could’ve just put up a picture of Arnold from Diff’rent Strokes and photoshopped his collar popped. The Ebonics in the title are pretty funny too. They should’ve put “ay,” before it.

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Links

Reports: Beyonce Gives Birth, Twitter Reacts - They named the baby Blue Ivy because Jay-Z is gonna buy the Chicago Cubs and move them to Kentucky! Blergh! [Smoking Section]

Axl Rose Is A Hungry Time Traveler - Axl Rose is such a microcosm of life on this planet, going from a Stephanie Seymour-f**king sociopathic rock star beloved by Beavis to being a fat guy in comedy photoshops. Such is life. [UPROXX]

Which Superhero Franchise Has Produced the Worst Video Games? A (Sort of) Scientific Study - This is pretty interesting, but I don’t buy that Spider-Man had 11 good games. The closet a Spider-Man game ever came to being good was marred forever by MY BALLOOONNNN! [Gamma Squad]

Creepy Got Milk? Ads Throughout the Years - Nothin’ creepy about Yasmine Bleeth. WEll, until later, I mean. [Warming Glow]

An Exclusive Gif from Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie - So it’s come to this: exclusive gifs. Hopefully one day we’ll hype movies by getting the stars to warn you on AIM. [Film Drunk]

Sh*t Wookiees Say Is The Definitive Sh*t Said By Someone - Gonna put together a Sh*t Bodysnatches Say video where it’s just people pointing at you and screaming. [UPROXX]

54 Beautifully Offensive Desktop Wallpapers - Keep in mind, they get pretty offensive. I want to create the opposite of these, where it’s a picture of lynchings or Nguyen Ngoc Loan murdering a dude with CORGIS in big capital white letters in the background. [Buzzfeed]

7 Ridiculous Workout and Diet Commercials - Fat Jennifer Hudson is such a creep. Why are you wearing that? I know for a fact that your household has higher fashion standards than that. /coffee slurp [The FW]

Jaleel White Wants To Be On Breaking Bad - Accidentally knocks over the meth lab, asks if he did that, requests cheese, gets put in a headlock by one or more Bushwhackers. America’s white 20-somethings go apesh*t. [FARK]

‘The Simpsons’ Tries For Guinness World Record - The Simpsons should try to make a funny episode. [HuffPostTV]

Batman Gets Seuss-ified - The best part is that Joel Schumacher already made the modern day Grinch/Cat In The Hat-style Seuss Batman movie, where he’s just sarcastic the whole time and makes adult jokes. It’s called Batman & Robin. [Unreality]

The way he says “Mighty God” makes it sound like an infomercial. And yeah, none of those things you’re talking about have anything to do with how f**king nature works.

Links

Kirk Cameron Threw Himself The Most Depressing Birthday Party Ever (With Amazing Comments) - Show me that smile again. Don’t waste another minute on your crying, or on trying to explain to me how bananas are evidence that God exists. [UPROXX]

‘Community’ Just Blew My Mind - Unfortunately Dan Harmon has come out and said the episode isn’t as good as we think it is, so uh … thanks for helping us not enjoy your show as much, I guess? [Warming Glow]

Michael F. Assbender’s Hard Drive Is Filthy - So are his teeth. Didn’t he break his girlfriend’s nose? We should probably stop liking him so much. [Film Drunk]

Billy Corgan, Professional Wrestling Mogul - Man, if I’d known we could write about independent wrestling news I would’ve reported this six months ago. Anybody want updates on Honkey Kong in River City Wrestling? No? [UPROXX]

Drake Feat. Nicki Minaj – “Make Me Proud” - You know what would make me proud? Nicki being able to get through a line without using a computer to give her the proper amount of syllables. [Smoking Section]

Jedi Turtles: Need I Say More? - Sure, a little context would be nice. [Gamma Squad]

Lady Gaga Drops F-Bomb In Front Of President Clinton - Come on, Clinton’s vegan and hooks up with chubby girls, you know he says the f-word on the reg. [Buzzfeed]

The 23 Best ‘Simpsons’ Musician Cameos - “My image!” [AOL TV]

8 Things We Learned at ‘The Avengers’ Panel at New York Comic Con - One thing I’ll learn from the upcoming Wizard World Austin: Comic book conventions are a rip-off, and I shouldn’t have to give Melina 20 bucks to take my picture with her. [Moviefone]

Squidbillies Jack-O-Lantern Stencils - Don’t use stencils, America, freehand that sh*t. [Adult Swim]

Michael Jackson’s Neck During Moonwalk Cannot Be Unseen - Finally, something horrifying about Michael Jackson. [The Daily What]

Links

Atlanta Falcons’ Kicker has Golf Clubs Stolen by his Chinese Food Delivery Guy - Poor kicker. The defining moment of your position’s history is Charlie Brown failing. Also, you deserve it if you let your delivery man anywhere past your front door. [Brobible]

UFC Champ on Steven Seagal: ‘I don’t know how he got my number.’ - Seagal googling Jon Jones until he finds his personal information is hilarious. Almost as funny as the 200 guys who just run at Seagal and get destroyed by him barely moving his hands. You suck, Steven Seagal. [Film Drunk]

The 15 Best Nintendo 64 Titles Of All Time - Now here’s a list I can get behind. Blast Corps or it didn’t happen. [Smoking Section]

Video: Paul Rudd & Anne Hathaway Audition for ‘Jersey Shore’ - I think Rudd and Hathaway are in a competition to see which likeable person I’m tired of the most. So far I think Paul Rudd is winning. [Warming Glow]

Twitter Masses Angered That A Fake News Organization Tweeted About A Fake Hostage Crisis - The problem isn’t believing news reported by The Onion, it’s that The Onion should be way, way funnier. “Barack Obama died in a car crash, jk it’s satire.” [UPROXX]

Community’s Doctor Who Spoof “Inspector Spacetime” Makes An Awesome Meme - Forget Inspector Spacetime, somebody turn Asian Annie into a meme. Fantasy threesome: me, Annie, Other Annie. [Gamma Squad]

Maroon 5 Feat. Christina Aguilera & Mac Miller – “Moves Like Jagger (Remix)” - Did Mick Jagger win some kind of contest where every pop singer has to mention him in a song? Is it because his name rhymes with “swagger” and people are bad at rhyming, but HAVE to use the word swagger? [Smoking Section]

10 Manliest Men in Entertainment - Way to eschew traditional gender roles, Buzzfeed! [Buzzfeed]

No One Sinks Rihanna’s Battleship and 7 Other Things Learned on the Set of ‘Battleship’ - Lesson one: Do not make a movie about Battleship. [Moviefone]

‘Parks & Recreation’: 5 Things to Know About ‘Ron and Tammys’ - Hump day. Am I right, buddy? [AOL TV]

Attack of the Show Interview with Idris Elba - Kevin Pereira, is you taking notes on a criminal f**king conspiracy? I want your jobs, Attack Of The Show. I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR JOBS. [G4TV]

Adult Swim’s Time to Waste with Harry Shearer - Also wasted time with Harry Shearer: the last 15 seasons of “The Simpsons”. [Adult Swim]

Punk Isn’t Dead PSA with Henry Rollins - Somebody needs to remake Lost In Translation with Henry Rollins and have him just sit around Tokyo yammering on about politics and sociopolitical norms and everyone around him is just constantly going ughhhhh and walking away. [The Daily What]

Links

Reebok Broke, Reebok Broke: Company Agrees To Pay $25 Million In Toning Shoe Refunds - R.I.P., Reebok, I will always remember you in your better days, when you tried to sell me shoes by having Shawn Kemp dunk on a robot in a game of Killer Instinct and then scream to destroy him. [Smoking Section]

Today’s Column: How Moneyball the Movie Became the Opposite of Moneyball the Concept - I still haven’t seen this. I’m a bad sports blogger. I’m going to try to recreate the experience by sitting in a pitch black room and listening to an A’s game on the radio. [Film Drunk]

Jose Canseco And Octomom Sitting In A Tree - In case you missed it yesterday, the Octomom is probably the most legitimately weird person to ever be famous for something, and Jose Canseco thinks he’s good at fighting people, but he isn’t. Also, lol Coolio. [With Leather]

How Many Awkward Patrick Swayze Jokes Are in ’50/50′? - I love you, Anna Kendrick, like a real, lasting love, so I’m going to go see this movie you’re in, and you have to repay me by being super nice to me should we ever meet. Not weird-nice, just pleasant and happy, because Lord, I sat through this movie. [Moviefone]

Here Are The Nick Offerman High School Yearbook Photos Ron Swanson Fans Have Been Clamoring For - Nick Offerman isn’t a real person. I’m convinced Ron Swanson is a S1mone situation and his high school yearbook pictures are just part of the false memories. [UPROXX]

The Most Ridiculous Covers of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane - Comic books were awesome as hell before people like Judd Winick grew up and got put in charge of them. [Gamma Squad]

Creepily Specific, Poorly Made ‘Simpsons’ Cosplay to Haunt Your Dreams - I don’t do the “well, gonna have nightmares!” joke a lot, so please know it is not a joke when I say this is going to give me nightmares. Jesus Christ. [Warming Glow]

Meme Watch: Pug On A Slide Wins The Internet Today - Pretty sure this would win the Internet on any day. I get worried for pugs when they’re trying to walk forward, much less when they’re put on playground equipment. [UPROXX]

Awesome Quotes From 11 Famous Writers On Censorship - Important words to share with you from a website where the Dockers people will get mad and pull their ads if I type the f-word without stars over the U and C. [Buzzfeed]

The Road to Juggalo Recovery - I outlined the steps to recovery in yesterday’s Morning Links, but I’ll add a fourth: if you’re in public, put on a shirt. [Adult Swim\]

Popeye’s Scoop Shaped Dippable Fried Chicken Is a Real Thing - “What part of the chicken is a NUGGET??” the commercials ask. I don’t know, what part of the chicken is the “popcorn”? What part of the chicken comes out looking like a Frito, you psychopaths? [The Daily What]

28 Hi-Def Calvin and Hobbes Wallpapers - Just because. [Unreality]

Links

An All-’Simpsons’ Channel? Woo-hoo! - I know everybody’s into streaming and not having to move to access their media, but this is why owning seasons 1-8 on DVD is awesome. I don’t need a network, and unless I accidentally click on a clip show, I don’t ever get a bad episode. [Warming Glow]

Trey Parker & Matt Stone Detail How They Went Viral Before Going Viral Was Cool On 60 Minutes - Detailing it on 60 Minutes is a hilarious statement about growing older. Maybe in a couple of years they can show up to sing a song on A Prairie Home Companion. |UPROXX|

The Best Of #Boardwalk Empire - Between this and “Community” (and to a lesser extent, “90210″) I want “The Wire” to be back on television so bad. [UPROXX]

Anne Hathaway In The Full Catwoman Suit - The Dark Knight Cashes In doesn’t look great so far, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. I hope Judd Winick gets put in charge of part 4. And that part 4 goes straight to Cinemax. [Gamma Squad]

Justin Bieber Rented Out The Staples Center to Watch Titanic - Bieber is basing his grandest gestures on dark ages Adam Sandler comedies. Maybe Selena Gomez will get brain damage and forget she knows him every day. [Film Drunk]

You Know You’re Drunk When… - If you see the phrase “say no to crack” and it reminds you to PULL YOUR JEANS UP, you might be a drunk [Buzzfeed]

10 Nerdiest Objects in the Office on ‘The IT Crowd’ - Thanks to British television, this show only ran for 20 minutes before it ended and was canonized. [FARK]

9 Great Singers Who Can Also Act - “Can act” is pretty vague. Anybody “can act”, but acting and being good at acting are two very different things. Also, does Donald Glover count as a singer? “So Fly” is awesome, and Troy is still the best. [Moviefone]

Attack of the Show Interviews Chris Pratt - One day I will host this show, and I will only interview Chris Pratt. [G4TV]

5 Unsexy Reasons You Wouldn’t Want to Be a Male Porn Star - 1 unsexy reason I WOULD want to be a porn star: Allie Sin. Unsexy reason #2, Gianna won’t stop spitting on people. [The Smoking Jacket]

19 Creepy Shipwrecks from Around the World - Question: How many of these run the risk of being Chipwrecked? [Ask Men]

The 10 Biggest Opening Weekends for a Baseball Movie - Here’s every review of Moneyball: “It was good, but slow.” Now, every review from a blogger: “I JOTTED DOWN EVERY INCONSISTENCY IN THIS ‘FEATURE FILM’ AND WILL LIST THEM NOW, #1, OAKLAND DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A TEAM” etc. [Pajiba]

145 Reasons Spider-Man 3 Sucked - Well, that’s thorough. [Unreality]

“BEWARE LEST YE BECOME THE CURTIS PAINTED” – Jon Bois

Links

Fetushead Cannibalism Creates Possibility For Perfect Fat Hump Story - Headlines like this make me want to write for KSK so bad. The Colts keep getting better, and the only thing funnier than Brett Favre showing up to right the ship would be Curtis Painter continuing to exist. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

UFC 135: Jones Vs. Rampage Aftermath - Jon Jones “Bones” “Jones” is awesome, if only for the parade of weirdly racist comments that accompany him wherever he goes. You’d think racist people wouldn’t get upset at a black guy having confidence and being good at fighting, but here we are. We are a nation of Jeffs Dunham. [Cage Potato]

She Got Her Nails Did: The Finger Nail Retrogame Art Of Maya Pixelskaya - As long as nobody grows her nails out to 10 feet long and takes pictures for a This Week In WTF World Records, I’m cool with this. [UPROXX]

Blinky In Ink: ‘The Simpsons’ Famous Mutant Fish In The Flesh - For the longest time I wanted to get a Worker and Parasite tattoo. Still might. [Gamma Squad]

Confession: I Didn’t Hate ‘Whitney’ - Matt, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. /laughtrack [Warming Glow]

Black Star & Common Perform “Respiration” Live In Chicago - Look at this brutish thug, Common! I hope nobody ever lets him visit the White House! He’s a thug! [Smoking Section]

Lewis Black Killed On The Chaz Bono/DWTS Controversy - I don’t normally like Lewis Black a lot (outside of doing a pretty funny impression of him), but he absolutely murdered this. I still think the controversy around Chaz Bono being on Dancing With The Stars should be that Chaz Bono is not a f**king star. [UPROXX]

Simon Pegg Continues To Be Awesome - His best performance is still as a guard in the Maths episode of “Look Around You”. Best show ever. [Film Drunk]

Alex Morgan, Hope Solo And Women’s Soccer Still Being A Thing - Tossing this in here in case you missed it on Friday. These women are good at sports and attractive in important ways and you should support them. By, uh, looking at my gallery. [With Leather]

Porkins Finally Gets His Due In These Totally Real Star Wars Blu-ray Deleted Scenes - I hope there are some scenes where Boba Fett takes off his helmet and sounds like Charles Nelson Reilly so I can forget about Star Wars forever. [Gamma Squad]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About “Dazed and Confused” - Did you know? Milla Jovovich made out with me during the production of the film and I convinced her not to appear in 2,000 action movies between the years of 2000 and 2011. Three Musketeers never happened. [Buzzfeed]

Sly Stone Is Living in a Van - Now, Sly Stone is probably asking himself, “Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!” [FARK]