Kansas City’s Jeff Francoeur has a strong arm in right. Detroit’s Victor Martinez is not fast. Dude’s 34 years old, you know? He wasn’t fast a decade ago. But here he is being waved home, kicking up dirt behind the also-not-fast Prince Fielder, en route to a home plate collision. What’s a guy to do in a situation like this? Plow through the catcher and try to score? Try to jump him? Slide?

If you’re Victor Martinez, you do your best impression of Grandpa Simpson at La Maison Derrière and book it to the dugout. Compare and contrast the above video with the following GIF:

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"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???" *quack*

Chances are you’ve probably already been buried by the news and Tweets that Chip Kelly is leaving the Oregon Ducks, despite previous claims that he would be staying with the program. Because I didn’t see any other reporters freaking out about this on Twitter, I believe that ESPN’s Chris Mortensen broke the news earlier this afternoon.

Chip Kelly is the new coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, according to league sources. No announcement yet.

— Chris Mortensen (@mortreport) January 16, 2013

Of course, the Philadelphia Eagles fans that I know well – those who have lived through so many years of anger and rage – are taking this hire with a grain of salt, because who the hell knows what to expect from college coaches who make the jump to the NFL anymore? Sure, Jim Harbaugh has done wonders with the San Francisco 49ers, but to that I simply retort, NICK SABAN NICK SABAN NICK SABAN.

But if Saban has taught us anything, it’s that Oregon fans shouldn’t be too shocked by this announcement. Coaches are dirty, rotten liars and the sooner that we accept this into our lives, the sooner we can all recover from their treacherous deceits. For the fun of it, though, I’d like to share how I imagine the typical Ducks fans’ day went down with some help from the delightful Ralph Wiggum.

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Without looking, I'm guessing that is Dustin Pedroia, Cole Hamels, Pete Rose and Dusty Baker.

I had no clue that The Cleveland Show, the spin-off of Seth MacFarlane’s wildly popular Family Guy, was still on the air when I saw today’s news that the show will have a special baseball-themed episode when it returns after the World Series. But apparently the show is still alive and kicking, and I don’t mean this to knock its producers and whatnot, but I always thought that if any of the original show’s characters should have had a spinoff, it was Quagmire*. But that’s another conversation for another UPROXX site.

Throwing another log on the “Simpsons did it” fire, Cleveland will be joined by some of Major League Baseball’s best players in an episode that features Peter Griffin’s black friend. Sadly, the episode will not feature time traveling Jose Canseco.

Not long after this year’s World Series, Fox’s The Cleveland Show will round the bases with an episode devoted to America’s pastime. And though Peter Griffin’s old pal won’t actually become a star baseball player during the half-hour, he’ll get close when he realizes his dream of becoming a major league scout.

We’ve got your exclusive first look at the November episode, which includes the guest voices of the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier, the Boston Red Sox’s David Ortiz, the Philadelphia Phillies’ Jimmy Rollins and the Cincinnati Reds’ Joey Votto. (Via TV Line)

Above, obviously, is Ortiz, Rollins, Votto and Dusty Baker, and after the jump you can see Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier yelling at someone. Probably Magic Johnson.

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It’s impossible to overstate the brilliance and cultural impact of ‘The Simpsons’. It’s the reason why most of us think what we think is funny is funny, whether we’ll admit it or not.

It’s just as impossible to agree on what constitutes the “golden age” of the show. Everyone agrees that there’s a certain time frame in which ‘The Simpsons’ was the best show on television (and possibly ever), but we all have a different interpretation of when that era started and stopped. Some people think it was the first 9 or 10 season. Some people narrow that down to 1-8. Some people with impossible f**king standards think it peaked from seasons 3-5, or even 4.

For this week’s Sports On TV column, I used the most generally agreed-upon definition of the show’s prime: season 2 through season 8. Tackling the best sports moments of a monster like ‘The Simpsons’ is tough, so consider this a Part 1 of its own series, destined to include a Part 2, Part 3, and even a Part 4, should we delve into those wretched, later season guest star hives like “Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass”.

So please enjoy the 20 best sports moments from the golden age of ‘The Simpsons,’ and be sure to drop us a comment and share your love. Special thanks to Ari Amaru for the screencaps.

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Thanks, Omar Infante, now that guy going the long way around to get a hot dog is soaking wet. (Via Cosby Sweater.)

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A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay: Super-Family Week |Gamma Squad|

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This is basically what I look like when I’m watching ‘The Wire’. Somebody draw this guy a warm bath for Christ’s sake. (via Awful Announcing)

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Links

Potentially the 11 Most Crowd-Pleasing TV Deaths of 2012 |Warming Glow|

The 20 Best Ozzie Guillen Misquotes |With Leather|

Memes Do Come True: ‘Texts From Hillary’ Bros Meet With Hillary Clinton |UPROXX|

Donald Glover Talks About His ‘Amazing Spider-Man’ Easter Egg |Gamma Squad|

The Most Obnoxious Generation: An American Reunion Review |Film Drunk|

On Urban Meyer, Amateurism & Winning |Smoking Section|

The James Van Der Beek 6 Stages Of Fame |UPROXX|

The Incredible Portrait In Portrait Art Of Kim Dong Yoo |UPROXX|

The Start Of Your Ending: Mobb Deep Breaks Up On Twitter? Hav Calls Prodigy Gay? |Smoking Section|

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming |Film Drunk|

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Five “Science Reports” We’re Tired Of Seeing |Gamma Squad|

Chevy Chase on ‘Community’: It’s a ‘F*cking Mediocre Sitcom’ |Warming Glow|

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