We don’t write a lot about soccer at With Leather, and when we do, it’s usually about dogs running out onto the field, Arianny Celeste’s nipples posing for cheesecake photos with a soccer ball or crazy fan brawls. You know, fun stuff. People getting kicked in the balls.

It’s less fun when life kicks somebody in the balls.

Real Madrid superstar Cristiano Ronaldo scored two goals in Sunday’s game, the team’s first victory after three rounds of the Spanish season, but nobody seems to care about that. What’s making the news rounds is that Ronaldo didn’t celebrate either goal. The reason? He’s sad, and if you knew him you wouldn’t have to ask him why, God, mom.

As reporters asked him about his two-goal night, Ronaldo solemnly said he didn’t celebrate in the team’s 3-0 home win over Grenada because he was “sad” for “professional” reasons.

“The people know the reasons why I didn’t celebrate the goals,” he is quoted as saying by Spanish news agency EFE. “I don’t do so when I am feeling sadness. It was due to a professional motive.

“The appropriate people inside the club know why I’m sad. I won’t say anything more.” (via ESPN FC)

As funny and melodramatic as that is, the response from his teammate is EPIC:

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Would you like to win a free trip to Australia and $300 to stand in the corner of Bob Sapp for the 40-50 seconds it takes for whoever’s fighting him to knock him out? This is the contest for you!

The details:

Create a 30 second video that demonstrates your admiration (or hatred) for The Beast!
Upload to your youtube account.
Submit your video in the reply section below.
Make sure you have the address “youtube.com/BobSappTV” in the video and the video’s description.
Please title your video “BobSappTV Video Contest”
Winner will receive:
1 Round-Trip ticket to Sydney Australia
$300 spending money
Free Hotel and Meals
VIP access to the fight (CFC 21)
Become The Beasts Cornerman for the fight.

*Contestants must be 21 or older with a valid passport

*Contestants must know nothing about fighting and think Old Spice commercials are hilarious

Whether you care about Bob Sapp or not, you should give this contest a shot. It’s 30 seconds of work for 300 bucks and a free trip, and chances are he’s gonna get like 10 responses so if you’re even moderately funny and don’t slur his worthlessness you should be all right. Just put on boxing gloves and go BLAGH at the camera, he loves that.

[h/t Cage Potato]

Right now you’re probably saying, “But With Leather, Hulk Hogan lost his dignity YEARS ago!” Yes, I’ve seen Mr. Nanny, but you can always give more.

What you’re watching is a clip from the #ChallengeHulk series, a YouTube channel of promotional videos from Hogan and weight loss product Body By Vi that are a lot like the show ‘Shaq Vs.’, except Hogan just stands in front of a green screen and challenges himself to be as pathetic as possible. In this installment, Hogan listens to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” once, puts on some props a lame person would have in a photo booth at a wedding and tells us that we need to respect everyone on the planet because he has the largest arms in the world. Or something.

My theory (as the headline suggests) is that our Ten Jokes To Tell About The Upcoming Hulk Hogan Sex Tape and its sequel made Hogan go “oh no, brother” and feel fear deep in his melting, leathery core, so he’s pulling a Tila Tequila and being as sad as possible every day so seeing him naked and humping will be an afterthought.

Either that, or his message to gay teens is, “it doesn’t get any better”.

[h/t John Canton]

Viewer warning: Starting about when Meredith Marakovits says she “tucka loaka round”, this video clip from P.J. Whelihans in Downingtown becomes extremely Pennsylvanian.

Feast at least part of your ears on the continually-distraught “Angry” Greg Ryan, Philadelphia Eagles fan and local celebrity drinker whose impassioned commentary on his favorite downtrodden football team’s performance during their 21-17 loss to the Arizona Cardinals borders on “It’s Still Real To Me, Dammit” and draws the most amazing look of “this f**ken guy” from Meredith. She should win a cable Emmy for her face during this.

Highlights of the video include the impossibly-disgusted way he says “deh Cleveland Browns”, his extended ship allegories and that amazing moment at 2:01 where she asks him if he’ll keep supporting the team and he’s forced, if only for a moment, to reevaluate his entire life. The highlights of the video’s YouTube page are those crazy comments about the FBI has declassified documents about how many Super Bowls Michael Vick would’ve won by now had it not been for George Bush and Dick Cheney.

Also, how creepy is the Comcast team at the end? The “what Meredith doesn’t understand is that there is no next week” comes off sounding less like football talk and more like ominous prognostication. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t root for the Eagles.

[h/t Cosby Sweaters]

Imagine, if only for a moment, a fantasy situation wherein an evil witch or wicked stepmother casts a spell on two gluttonous, hyper-masculine men and turns them into pigs. Boars, whatever. Now imagine that in their lowered evolutionary state, these transformed men lose control and spend the next thirty minutes squeeing and trying to hurt each other with their pig arms and pig bodies.

Now that you’ve imagined that, compare and contrast it with this depressing-ass video of UFC 11 heavyweight tournament rivals Tank Abbott and Scott Ferrozzo having their scheduled 15-years-later rematch in somebody’s backyard. It was supposed to go down on 10/30 at the Dixie Cowgirls Night Club in Dayton, Ohio, and was advertised as a no time limit match (in a strip club) that would only end if one of the fighters died. Somehow “fight to the death in front of naked ladies” turned into “good-natured ground-hugging in front of some random dudes at a barbecue”, and the transition appears as jarring for the fighters as it does the people watching.

Some the highlights, courtesy of Cage Potato. Viewer (and listener) discretion is advised.

4:52: Tank lands a big left hand from the top, and poetically, two dead leaves float down into the frame, reminding us that life is fragile, and this fight is really happening in a f**king backyard.

10:54: Ferrozzo has both of Tank’s hands completely locked down. If this was legit MMA, the ref would call for a standup. But in Ohio Backyard DeathMatch Rules, there are no standups.

17:09: “I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I am a f**kin’ BEAST!”

20:50: They separate after a brief clinch. Tank backs up and doubles over with fatigue. If Ferrozzo had anything left, he’d end this sh*t right now with a flying knee, but he clearly gassed himself out yelling during the 15-minute opening round.

No matter what you think of Tank Abbott after watching this, remember — this isn’t as low as he’s gone.

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If you’ve ever wanted to see two desperate-for-fame baseball players from the 1980s sadly destroying each other while an Octomom and possibly an also-ran Kardashian cheer them on, this is the story for you — embattled former slugger and mouth-haver Lenny Dykstra has been named a replacement opponent for Jose Canseco’s upcoming Foxy Celebrity Boxing match. He’s got a great reason for doing it, too, that has nothing to do with money or people looking at him through cameras!

Via the press release, by way of Market Watch:

Alki David, founder and CEO of FilmOn.com Networks, announced today that he has approved the last minute change in the upcoming title fight between controversial baseball player Jose Canseco and Tareq Salahi, the White House Party Crasher.

“Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies. I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco,” said Dykstra in a statement.

I want to see Canseco punch him in the jaw and cause the left side of his face to explode like a tobacco-filled pimple.

The press release then quickly jumps to explaining what “virtual cable television” is and spends seven paragraphs explaining how it works. Here’s the gist: You can watch television on the Internet, and on one of that television’s channels is a title fight (not sure which title, possibly “most depressing person”) between a 48-year old convict in physical and emotional shambles and a 47-year old who once fought Danny Bonaduce to a draw. Oh, and that 48-year old had to beg a guy who got temporarily famous for sneaking into parties to get his spot. On a different channel you can watch somebody catch and gut a fish, which should be a more humane and competitive thing.

Perhaps the saddest celebrity boxing news is that Tila Tequila is still scheduled to fight “TBA”. Can’t we find a ballplayer to fill in? How about Milton Bradley? I bet he’d kill her.