On Friday, as the majority of us sold our belongings, cleared out our DVRs and awaited our golden light beams to meet our makers, Los Angeles Clippers center Chris Kaman Tweeted that he was also preparing for the rapture, just in case. Kaman is widely regarded as a gun aficionado (USA Today called him the Ted Nugent of the NBA, probably in a pie chart) so he already has a collection of firearms and was just making a joke about the people who honestly thought we’d be eternally judged this past Saturday.

Of course people are upset with Kaman for taking pictures posing with rifles, but mainly because it’s hard to defend themselves when their sticks are shoved up their butts.

Read the rest of this entry »

The world’s most publicized doomsday proclamation to date came and went on Saturday. We all gathered on the hill to hold hands and sing, but it turns out the comet was no bigger than a dog’s head. I’m sorry, I’m getting “The Simpsons” and The Bible mixed up again. Sideshow Raheem was in The Bible, right?

Anyway, let’s all be respectful of those extremely extreme religious types in our lives, and not use this as an excuse to mock or deride Christianity. With that in mind, here is a link to something called “rapture bombs” and a bunch of jokes about the Pope.

Our Links, What Art Not In Heaven

Saturday’s Best Rapture Bombs - Man, a “rapture bomb” turns out to be way less scary than you’d imagine. People put their empty clothes on the ground to pretend like they got taken by Our Lord, then take pictures and put them on the Internet. It seems like this would be more fun if they filled the clothes with straw. I’m gonna Gamorrah Bomb somebody and fill my clothes with salt. [Uproxx]

Pope Makes First-Ever Phone Call to Bless Astronauts - “He says even though Catholics in space are weightless, they still need mass.” Now that the pope has been left standing there holding his suitcases, I guess he can move on with his life and start accepting things like science and feelings. [Fark]

Read the rest of this entry »

A loosely organized Christian movement has spread the word around the globe that Jesus Christ will return to earth on Saturday to gather the faithful into Heaven. Some people believe it, even though there’s a whole big part of the Bible that says nobody can know when Judgment Day is upon us (not even James Cameron) and that anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. There is a theological difference in the amillennial and postmillennial views of The Rapture, as well as inconsistencies in pre and posttribulation planning, but former Buffalo Bills All-Pro linebacker Darryl Talley will be live-tweeting the entire thing, including his after-rapture pool cleanup.

A few things to keep in mind should Jesus not actually return to Earth this weekend:

1) A failed prediction of The Rapture, even if it is believed by well-meaning Christians, should not be seen as proof that Christianity is “wrong.” These guys don’t speak for every Christian, and most rational people aren’t locking their dogs in the pool house and preparing to be taken. The “outspoken” representatives of any religion are usually the ones ruining it for everyone else.

2) Space out your episodes of “Growing Pains,” because Kirk Cameron is leaving no matter what you say happened and they aren’t gonna make any more.

3) Darryl Talley is not an authority on anything and should not be praised for trolling hastags.

But since we’re in the business of praising a-holes for being a-holes, click through for the best of Darry Talley Presents: The Rapture.

Read the rest of this entry »