OJ Simpson’s quest to find the real killers was derailed in 2008 when he was sentenced to 33 years in Nevada state prison for armed robbery. That mission hit another bump in the road when Simpson got his ass kicked in the prison yard, according to a report released today by the National Enquirer.

Inmates cheered as a muscular young skinhead knocked him to the ground, punching and kicking him to a bloody pulp and inflicting injuries so severe he secretly spent nearly three weeks in the infirmary before he recovered.

The humiliating beating left 63-year-old Simpson in agony – and threw him into a spiral of depression so deep that he’s now afraid to venture out of his cell, divulge sources.[..]

Unknown to the former NFL star, The Juice has been a marked man behind bars ever since white supremacists overheard him brag about his sexual conquests of beautiful white women.

Oh, sure. Label the guy a racist. He had to watch The Naked Gun movies just like the rest of us. Like the Queen of England could ever throw a curveball like that. We’re not idiots, Hollywood!

Via The Score, whose Naked Gun joke was much better than mine.

UPDATE via Will Brinson:

Just got off the phone with Nevada Corrections: “no truth whatsoever” to OJ Simpson story. “He’s perfectly fine and healty” [sic]

Wow. This could seriously damage the credibility of the National Enquirer.

*…presuming that anyone else is.

Former NFL wideout and current guest of the city of New York Plaxico Burress is making plans, yo. Drew Rosenhaus, Plax’s agent, has already declared that Burress will be making plans to return to the NFL upon his release from Rikers Island in June. Burress was sentenced to two years in jail after an accidental discharge in a Manhattan nightclub. Firearm discharge. Pervert.

“I’m not a big advocate of making predictions on teams because so much can change,” Drew Rosenhaus told Josina Anderson on Showtime’s Inside the NFL. “But I am not afraid to make the following prediction: Plaxico Burress will be playing in 2011, and he will play very well. And it will be a very happy ending to a very tough, tough story for him.”

–PFT.

And this is where I would make a Shawshank Redemption reference, but I’ve never seen the movie all the way through. I caught the last 20 minutes or so when Tim Robbins crawled through the poop tube and then wound up on a beach, and Morgan Freeman was nice enough to not mention that he smelled like poop. Robbins must have a thing for feces; how else do you explain Susan Sarandon?

Cincinnati’s own Dana Stubblefield has been sent to jail for stealing his girlfriend’s mail. Whoa whoa whoa, stealing mail is a crime? This was inevitable as long as the postal service kept making stamps more expensive. Yeah, I didn’t think that was funny either. Stubblefield went to three Pro Bowls during his 11-year NFL career, but since he’s been dis big fat mail thief now, I wonder if any of those invites to Honolulu were actually his.

Stubblefield, who was sentenced Thursday in U.S. District Court in San Francisco, had admitted to turning in a change-of-address form to have his former girlfriend’s mail (and her unemployment checks) delivered to him.

Last year, in connection with the Balco case, he was placed on probation after pleading guilty to lying about his steroid use as a player. Stubblefield played for the San Francisco 49ers, Oakland Raiders and Redskins from 1993-2003.

–WaPo.

Stubblefield is scheduled for 30 days in jail, so he might serve, like, a week. To be fair, dude totally has a girl’s first name. If he had dotted the i in his last name with a little heart, he probably never would have been caught.

Pop some champagne and kiss a stranger on the street, because ESPN talking head and notorious asshole Jay Mariotti has been arrested and jailed in Los Angeles, where he was booked on suspicion of a felony offense. The L.A. Times says:

A source with knowledge of the case described it as a domestic disturbance charge involving his girlfriend. He was being held on $50,000 bail.

Mariotti’s legions of fans raced to Twitter to provide a groundswell of support for the columnist who makes Skip Bayless look sympathetic:

“I heard about Mariotti’s arrest and instantly heard the ‘clo-doink’ sound effect of Tony Reali taking points off his score.” – @edsbs
“I guess [Mariotti's] taste for killing and eating babies finally caught up with him.” — @mattufford
“Seeing that Jay Mariotti was arrested is like finding a bicycle made of naked women under my Christmas tree.” – @MayorBurnsy

We’ll have more details on Monday. Until then, we wish Mr. Mariotti a long, sleepless weekend of violent prison anal gang rape. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Plaxico Burress, that guy who caught the game-winning touchdown against the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, is acting up in jail. He lied to a prison guard, and now he’s no longer allowed to go outside. I thought that’s what jail was…

The former receiver, now in the protective-custody wing of the Oneida Correctional Facility, was slapped with a violation on Nov. 6, 2009, after he told a guard he had permission to phone his attorney, according to his disciplinary report.

The guard believed Burress, who was allowed to have his own cell, and let him make a call. In addition to losing recreation privileges, he was barred from using the phone for seven days. –NY Post.

Whoa whoa whoa, these guys are getting cell phones now? Can they use the internet? Because that would make jail awesome. It would be like a gay resort where one could be violently sodomized against one’s will. Actually, jail doesn’t sound so hot after all. Not when I can stay in mom’s basement rent-free.

Former NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress began his two-year prison sentence after surrendering himself to New York authorities this morning.

Defense lawyer Benjamin Brafton said, “This is a very real tragic case in many, many ways.” He called Burress “a fundamentally decent man.”

Burress, who caught the winning touchdown for the Giants over the previously undefeated New England Patriots in the final minute of the 2008 Super Bowl, and former teammate Antonio Pierce were at the Latin Quarter nightclub in Manhattan last November when a gun tucked into Burress’ waistband slipped down his leg and fired, wounding him.via.

I really don’t understand where all the sympathy for Burress is coming from: he carried a concealed weapon into New York City limits and carelessly discharged it. His defense team fruitlessly procrastinated in hopes of getting a deal that everyone knew wasn’t coming. Yeah, it’s sad–and possibly pointless–that Burress will be taking up a space in jail that could be better served for some rapist or murderer or whatever other criminal caricature meets your fancy. But he did the crime. And he’ll be paying a price to the state that only seems extraordinary because he had so much to lose.