One of The Dugout’s favorite recurring characters over the last seven years (holy crap) has been art dealer and owner of the Florida Miami Marlins Jeffrey Loria. He’s created championship teams on minimum wage, he looks like the lovechild of John Lithgow and The Great Pumpkin and he wears sunglasses with colored lenses because that’s the kind of thing cool millionaires do. He’s also sort of a son of a bitch, and the kind of guy who can be completely racist without ever really being racist at all.

Anyway, at some point between then and now, the Miami Marlins turned into a financial contender. They’ve got new uniforms, a new stadium, a new name … they’ve signed big name free agents and positioned themselves as a legitimate, unsurprising contender in the National League. Previous rationalization led me to just assume Loria had gotten a concussion and his friends were too afraid to bring it up, but it turns out I’ve got a better explanation.

Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the "Wandering Through The Desert" Dream Sequence Chatroom!
	WeirdNakedIndian: /trudges forth
	fLORIdA: for the last time, tell shapiro that he can have brad hand and we’ll pay $413,986 of his contract for 2012 just to not be the team in the majors trying to convince people brad f**king hand is worth a shit
	fLORIdA: if 14 dollars is still too expensive, tell him i’ll swing by the dump next week and bring him some lunch
	WeirdNakedIndian: /stops as they approach a lone figure standing in the desert
	fLORIdA: who are you
	TheLizardOfId: I’m Jim Morrison.
	fLORIdA: cool. who’s he /points to spirit guide
	TheLizardOfId: Chris Antonetti, Cleveland’s general manager.
	fLORIdA: see i f**king new it no wonder you haven’t said a word to me this entire offseason
	fLORIdA: why have you brought me here, is this the part where i stick meg ryan and have an emotional hippie freakout
	TheLizardOfId: to help you find some answers, Jeff.
	fLORIdA: answers to what
	TheLizardOfId: Ask me a question.
	fLORIdA: is it a great idea to give prince fielder a 9-year contract, because yeah he’s a 27-year old vegetarian or whatever but he literally weighs 600 pounds, has the korean symbol for his own first name on his neck and named one of his kids "haven" so neither his legs nor his brain are gonna make it through year 3 of that shit an i’ll have to drag jeff conine’s decrepit asshole out of retirement to play first
	TheLizardOfId: no, ask me a question about your life.
	fLORIdA: … what am I supposed to do with my baseball team.
	TheLizardOfId: You should spend money on them, build them a beautiful new stadium with a retractable roof, change their name and make them wear clothes that look like something I might’ve worn when I was screaming about f**king my mother.
	fLORIdA: ennnhhh i dunno, that sounds like work and effort how am i supposed to fill a new stadium, our annual attendance is four buckets of orange paint
	TheLizardOfId: …If you pander to the Latin community, they will come…
	TheLizardOfId: any more questions?
	fLORIdA: will logan morrison ever get his sports illustrated football phone
	TheLizardOfId: tell him to stop being ironic, he’s a f**king thousandaire grown-up
	fLORIdA: got it how do i get back to the bottom of the division?
	TheLizardOfId: follow the Indian
	**Online Host** Three months later…
	TheLizardOfId: so you’re saying you guys took Nigel Wilson as your first pick in the expansion draft?
	GoodBarger: lol yep he went 0-16, vanished from baseball and didn’t get a hit until four years later
	TheLizardOfId: jesus, how is he not dead yet
	**Online Host** fLORIdA and WeirdNakedIndian have entered the chatroom.
	TheLizardOfId: excuse me Jeff, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Carl Barger.
	fLORIdA: who gives a sh*t
	fLORIdA: so anyway i forgot most of what you said before but i am now Kingshit of the latino community’s F**k Mountain, Ozzie Guillen is our manager now and he’s already gotten his retard kid to post upwards of 700 bitchy gay slurs about the reds or whoever on the Internet it’s great, other races are WEIRD on the internet
	TheLizardOfId: that wasn’t really what I was trying to say, what I meant was-
	fLORIdA: and then we brought in carlos zambrano, because how funny is it gonna be when he starts flipping out and his heart explodes and we have to go to a quinceañera
	fLORIdA: that’s a mexican funeral, right
	TheLizardOfId: hold on there’s a lot wrong with what you just said, let me-
	fLORIdA: we made an offer to pujols, but he wanted to play a year more than we were comfortable with so we took out our dicks, showed them to him, and gave jose reyes like 22 million dollars
	fLORIdA: it’s gonna be great, we’re gonna be so expensive and pissed off all the time
	TheLizardOfId: you’re freaking me out, man, let me drink this entire bottle of … wait what is this, sand
	TheLizardOfId: am i dead
	fLORIdA: we’re making each miami-area taxpayer pay 2 billion each to build a big f**k-off clambake spaceship with barn doors on the roof
	fLORIdA: we’re gonna call it "marlins park" and pretend like the price has gotten too high for bidders, then never change it because nobody offered and we’re getting enough money from local single moms and shit
	fLORIdA: also, because we’re out of our goddamn minds we’re building this colossal moving piñata thing in center so the crowd’s stupider children and the homeless people we let in as seat-fillers can go into epileptic shock the five times a year Emilio Bonifacio hits a home run
	fLORIdA: seriously look at this thing, it’s like somebody airbrushed my cock into centerfield /
	TheLizardOfId: oohhhhh goddddd
	WeirdNakedIndian: /cries single tear
	fLORIdA: hey, don’t cry! it’s almost baseball season
	fLORIdA: this whole thing is gonna be awesome, especially if it turns out this bad
	WeirdNakedIndian: /manages a smile
	fLORIdA: see?
	fLORIdA: oh btw you have brown skin, follow me back into waking reality and clean up some garbage for me
	**Online Host** Meanwhile, back in the Florida Marlins Waking Reality Chatroom…
	NoLomo: @persononphone loooool yes im callin you from a football
	NoLomo: @persononphone lol yes it’s funny, lol
	NoLomo: @persononphone meh no, if you don’t know why it’s funny im not gonna explain it to you #ordinaryf**kinpeople

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

hey guys, what's going on in this chatroom

After a brief hiatus caused by me doing this goddamn comic strip seven years in a row without stopping and needing a break inactivity in the world of baseball, The Dugout is back and ready to tackle the tough issues, such as Manny Ramirez going swimming with a bunch of old people in a T.O.-esque attempt to show he’s still athletic and able to play professional sports.

As we build to the greatest day of the year (pitchers and catchers report~), we’ll go back and touch on some of the stories we may’ve missed, like Jim Thome getting traded to Philadelphia, Kyle Farnsworth miraculously not being traded anywhere and Brian Wilson putting on spandex that looks like a tuxedo so people will write about him when he does his dishes. We’ll also become increasingly obsessed with Albert Pujols, despite his entire story being “I’m great at baseball so whatever, I’ll go play it for a billion dollars somewhere”. We may also write about Dan Quisenberry, even if you don’t give a righteous f**k who that is.

Anyway, welcome back to the weirdest, most well-established, most sorta-racist fictional world in pro sports reporting. Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Senior Citizens Gated Community Spa Swimming Pool Chatroom!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: nyah hee hee nyah /splashes around in duck floaties
	Ethel: excuse me, son I think you may be in the wrong place, this is an aquatic exercise class.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: manny bein granny
	Ethel: What are you wearing on your head?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: adull diper /
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i needit somthin to catch my doo
	Ethel: Well, that’ll do it.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: im praticin in swimmeng pool so busselig will lemme back into beisbol
	Ethel: You play baseball? Why won’t they let you play baseball?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: there mean
	MannyTheTorpedoes: also cause i did drogs an drogs is alegal, i did the strds an put all of them in my body, cream an clear, ate em up
	MannyTheTorpedoes: also i fleed the country so i woolent get caught
	MannyTheTorpedoes: also im like 46 yrs ol
	MannyTheTorpedoes: also i be my wife
	Ethel: I’m sorry?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: be her in the face w/ my hans — but case close because i close it
	Ethel: well I only understood about a third of that, but you seem like a nice young man, I’m sure you’ll be fine and they’ll let you play baseball again.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i wan play spies an i wanna do it the righ way /voice trembles
	Ethel: Spies? What do spies do?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: THISSS /dunks old lady
	Ethel: glarble glarble glarghhh
	MannyTheTorpedoes: no today evil commonist!!! manny ramirez is back an he will protenct beisbol!!! /pulls old lady up from drowning hell
	Ethel: OH MY GOD YOU’RE A MONSTER, SECURITY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /flees pool
	**Online Host** Two hours later
	MannyTheTorpedoes: im sorry ethel can u please give manny another chance at pool he want to do it righ, swim right for family /gets choked up
	Ethel: all right, you’re old and you tricked me and assaulted me and are wearing a diaper on your head, but you’re sorta interesting and good at swimming so here, come back in, all is forgiven
	MannyTheTorpedoes: yayayayaya /cannonballs into 3-foot-deep pool
	MannyTheTorpedoes: this is so much better than dominican republic, for a secon i thot i was gon have to chain my name
	**Online Host** Meanwhile, in the Dominican Republic Chatroom…
	BaseballScout: From now on, you’ll be Fausto Carmona in Cleveland, Ohio.
	BaseballScout: Let’s just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona", you’ll say "thanks".
	RobertoHeredia: Check.
	BaseballScout: Here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona.
	RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly
	BaseballScout: Remember now, your name is Fausto Carmona.
	RobertoHeredia: I gotcha.
	BaseballScout: Here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona.
	RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly
	**Online Host** A long time later…
	BaseballScout: ughhhhh now when I say "here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod
	RobertoHeredia: No problem.
	BaseballScout: here’s a 15 million dollar contract mr. carmona /stomps foot repeatedly
	RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly
	RobertoHeredia: /walks 8 straight batters

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

The St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series. More importantly, I found out that Jim Thome autographs the Halloween candy he hands out.

That’s a Jim Thome signed Kit Kat, shared with Dugout co-founder Jon Bois by @bretwallin, and it’s right behind “that time he dressed as Paul Bunyan” on the list of things Jim Thome has done in real life to pull him closest to our fictional depiction of him here. The only way it could get better is if he accidentally kills something by petting it too hard.

Halloween was two days ago, sure, but this is the reason it should happen every day. Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the One Neighborhood Where All The Baseball Players Live Halloween Chatroom!
	Child: trigger treat /holds out bag
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: whore you spost to be
	Child: spinerman
	SoccerMom: Trick’r treat! Isn’t m’lil’ nugget the CUTEST Spiderman ever??
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: firse of all its "spider-man" with a hypen its not his surname his name ain’t bill spidermun or harv spidermun he doesnt work at the f**ken front orifice of marvel comix
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: seconly of all what gen spider-man are you spost to be, does he have a costume where you can see his eyes an the lower have of his f**ken face
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: because if he does an peter parker or miguel santos or whatever the new ones name is wears a hat his pedestrious ass is gonna get pick’d off by the doctor octopus
	SoccerMom: He’s "your friendly Spiderman"! From the movies!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ugh
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: aight look full disclosure imma mad fitness robot so all i got in my candy bowel is l-glutamine cut into the shape of smarties an pea protein portion’t into plastic baggies would you like either both or none
	SoccerMom: c’mon, m’lil’ man, let’s try another house
	Child: /holds out bag /has no idea what’s going on
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wull wait, stone might have a strawbry candy wrapped to look like a f**ken strawbry given to him by his nee-naw b’cause she’s 70, do you want that
	SoccerMom: let’s go, sweetheart, maybe we can find "the Joker" at the next house!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: jesus christ how are you in charge of a child’s life
	**Online Host** Several houses later…
	SoccerMom: So what’d you think of the Young brothers’ house? Wasn’t it SUPER scary? And so full of candy! Too bad they didn’t give you any
	Child: enghhh /drags bag filled with 130 million dollars worth of Bit-o-Honey given to him by the Washington Nationals house
	SoccerMom: I think we can try this house, the jack-o-lantern just has "HELLO" written across the front in sharpie but whatever
	Child: trigger treat /holds up bag to closed door
	WordUpThome: HEY GUYS TRICK OR TREAT
	Child: trigger treat
	WordUpThome: TRICK OR ELSE TR
	WordUpThome: TREAT TRICK OR ELSE TREAT
	Child: trigger treat
	WordUpThome: DO YOU WANT A TRICK OR WOULD YOU LIKE A TREAT PLEASE CHOOSE
	SoccerMom: /nudges child forward
	WordUpThome: SO WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSING TO BE, MAMA’S LITTLE SWEET NUGGET MONKEY-MAN
	Child: spinerman from spinermaaan an um an he fice um he fice bad guys aaan um
	WordUpThome: UH HUH
	Child: an um /looks away, has completely lost train of thought an one time um he was in a building an he was um he was swingen an he saw silvermane an he was spinerman was
	WordUpThome: YES PLEASE GO ON
	SoccerMom: Maybe you should ask the nice man for some candy, honey
	WordUpThome: OKAY WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO SILVER MANE
	Child: spinerman he took a um, he took a crystal an he smashed it, an ummm an silvermane went to jail because um, because spinerman won
	WordUpThome: AND WHAT IS SILVER MANE, IS THAT WHAT KEITH HERNANDEZ WAS YELLING TO ME ABOUT FROM THE STREET
	Child: /can’t think of anything to say because nobody’s ever talked to him for this long
	SoccerMom: (do you have any candy)
	WordUpThome: HEAVENS TO MURDERTROID DO I HAVE CANDY DOES JI
	WordUpThome: M JIM THOME HAVE CANDY POP A NEIGHBORHOOD TYPE JUST INQUIRED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THE THOME HOUSEHOME HAS CANDY CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT
	WhatsUpChuck: KEEP IT DOWN I’M WATCHIN MY GARFIELD STORIES
	WordUpThome: DO WE HAVE ANY CANDIES MA’AM DOES A DEER’S HEAD LOOK GOOD WHEN YOU’VE SEVERED IT AND ARE HOLDING IT AMIDST YOUR MASSIVE SHREK HANDS
	SoccerMom: i don’t know what you’re asking me
	WordUpThome: WELL SHOOT FOR A SPIDERED MAN I HAVE THE GREATEST HALLOWEDWEEN CANDY EVER FORGED:
	WordUpThome: /reaches under cap, produces one Melster Peanut Butter Kiss loosely wrapped in orange wax paper
	WordUpThome: SO TO WHO OR WHOM SHOULD I MAKE THIS OUT
	Child: /holds out bag
	WordUpThome: /reaches under hat, produces orange sharpie
	WordUpThome: /writing, reading aloud "TO SPIDERED-MAN, ONE OF THE BIGGER OF MY FANS
	SoccerMom: /pulls son out of doorway
	WordUpThome: /still writing "I LIKED YOUR MAJOR MOTION PICTURES, NUMBER 2 ESPECIALLY. MAJOR MOTION PICTURE 3 DID NOT DO A LOT FOR ME YOUR JAZZ DANCING CAUSED A GREAT DISCONNECT
	WordUpThome: "HOWEVER, HALLOWEEN IS A TIME TO CELEBRATE GHOULS AND TO A LESSER EXTENT GHOULIES. IN CONCLUSION, HAPPY HALLOWEEN
	WordUpThome: "WARMEST FEASIBLE REGARDS FROM YOUR FRIEND AND NEIGH-BOR, JI
	WordUpThome: "JIM THOME"
	WordUpThome: THERE YOU GO ALL I COULD FIT ON THE FRONT WAS THE LETTER T BUT HOPEFULLY YOU CAN REMEMBER IT ALL SPIDERED-MAN
	WordUpThome: SPIDER-STYLE MAN WHERE DID YOU GO DON’T YOU WANT THIS SEMI-DELICIOUS HOLIDAY TREAT
	WordUpThome: WELL DARN ALL OF IT /lifts cap to replace candy
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hole on a tic ol man put that sh*t in my mouths
	WordUpThome: OKAY DO YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT FIRST
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: only if your def an signen "have at sh*t in ya mouth an eat it up kyle farnsworth" with your f**ken donkey from shrek hands
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /throws candy into air /misses mouth by like a foot
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /eats candy off floor
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /remains motionless for several seconds that wont a carmel cream was it
	WordUpThome: OH NO IT WASN’T I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the lil brown circles with like a entire sugar cube in the guts it wasn’t that was it
	WordUpThome: NO SORRY
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what was it jim thome
	WordUpThome: I DON’T KNOW I GOT IT FROM MY NEE-NAW WHEN I WAS BUT FIVE
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: …
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i dreamt it would end this way

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

The hilarious pull-quote featured to the right is from an ESPN article detailing Jim Thome’s address to the City Club of Cleveland, wherein he announces that despite the market not being flush for 41-year old designated hitters he’d still like to play in 2012. “In a year or two, this team can do some very special things,” Thome said. “They have put the groundwork in, done things the right way.”

He continued to praise the team, the city and the organization, but really the most important thing he said was about playing by himself in the backyard. In the spirit of sharing only the important things a man says, today’s Dugout presupposes — What if that actually happened?

Today’s Dugout is after the jump. Cleveland, if you’re reading this … keep this guy around for a while, would you?

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the 2012 Major League Baseball Season Chatroom!
	WordUpThome: HEY DAD I’M GONNA BE PLAYING CRACKERED-JACK BASEBALL IN THE BACK-YARD WILL YOU TELL ME IF ANY TEAMS CALL
	WordUpThome: DAD
	WordUpThome: HEY DAD HEY
	WhatsUpChuck: FER PETE’S SAKES JIMMY CAINT YOU SEE I’M WHITTLIN’, WHAT’RE YOU RAISIN CAIN ABOUT
	WordUpThome: IF BASEBALL TEAMS CALL ME ON THE TELEPHONE WILL YOU HOLLER AT ME
	WhatsUpChuck: BASEBALL TEAMS
	WordUpThome: YES THE TEAMS WITHIN THE SPORT I PLAY, SUCH AS CLEVELAND’S INDIANS OR THE MIAMIC MARLINS
	WhatsUpChuck: /makes indecipherable, guttural noise
	WordUpThome: OH DAD YOU ARE A BIG WIG AT THE CRACKIN’ ME UP FACTORY
	WhatsUpChuck: IF YER GOIN OUT TO PLAY TAKE RANDY
	WordUpThome: CAINT RANDY TOOK HIS RAMBO KNIVE AN GATTALLING LASER INTO THE WOODS TO HUNT MOUNTAINED LIONS JUST THIS MORN
	WhatsUpChuck: WULL YOU CAINT PLAY BY YER LONESOME
	WordUpThome: I’LL BE FINE PAPA I HAVE MY PASSION AS WELL AS A BURLAP SATCHEL OF SANDWICHES
	**Online Host** WordUpThome has left the chatroom.
	WhatsUpChuck: /makes dad noises
	**Online Host** Later, in the Thome Family Backyard Chatroom…
	WordUpThome: OKAY LADIES I’VE GONE OVER THE STRAT-O-MATICS AND PLAYED WITH THE PERCENTAGES SO HERE’S HOW WE’RE GONNA LOOK IN THE FIELD
	WordUpThome: PLAYER-COACH JI
	WordUpThome: JIM THOME WILL BE ALL TIMES HITTER AND PLAY FIRST BASE, SO LONG AS IT SHANT REQUIRE HIM TO MOVE
	WordUpThome: HUG ME BEAR YOU ARE ON SECOND
	HuggyBear: …
	WordUpThome: NIGHT FORCE CRAZYLEGS FROM GROUND INFANTRY JOE YOU’RE THE CORNERED STONE OF OUR INFIELD AT THIRD
	Crazylegs: /is action figure
	WordUpThome: SHOULD YOUR PELVIC BAND BREAK AGAIN WE’VE GOT CRIMSON GUARD AS A BACK-UP
	WordUpThome: BUT I PURCHASED HIM AT A FLEA’S MARKET FOR ONLY ONE DOLLAR AND HAVE SEEN MONEY-BALL AND KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDS
	WordUpThome: WE WILL HAVE TO UTILIZE A SYSTEM OF GHOST RUNNERS, WITH "GHOST" SUGGESTING ASSUMED AND IMAGINARY PERSONS AND NOT SATANIC SPIRITS WHAT ARE AN AFFRONT TO OUR LORD
	WordUpThome: ANY QUESTIONS
	Crazylegs: /spent at least 15 years crammed into a Sky Sweeper at the bottom of a toybox
	WordUpThome: /puts cassingle of Dolly Parton’s Star-Spangled Banner into a Teddy Ruxpin and plays it in its entirety
	WordUpThome: PLAY WITH BALL
	WordUpThome: /lobs ball into air /cranks ball 480 feet
	WordUpThome: COME ON CRAZYLEGS LET’S SEE SOME HUSTLE, USE YOUR CRAZY LEGS
	Crazylegs: /slowly starts to melt
	WordUpThome: LOOK LIKE YOU’RE ALIVE HUG ME BEAR I’M ROUNDING SECOND YOU CAN STILL GET ME
	HuggyBear: /lies in dirt
	WordUpThome: SIGH WHY DID I THINK THIS WOULD WORK
	WordUpThome: CRAZYLEGS WE’RE MOVING YOU TO SECOND
	Crazylegs: /isn’t even as good as the other guy who came in the two-pack
	WhatsUpChuck: JIMMY YOU GOT A CALL ON THE HOME TELEPHONE
	WordUpThome: WHO IS IT POP
	WhatsUpChuck: I DON’T KNOW IT JUST MADE A NOISE
	WordUpThome: ARE YOU SURE IT WASN’T JUST THE MICROWAVE
	WordUpThome: ARE VOICES COMING OUT OF IT
	WhatsUpChuck: JIMMY YOU GOT A CALL ON THE
	WordUpThome: IS IT THE INDIANS OR A STEAK N’ CHEESE HOT POCKET DAD
	WhatsUpChuck: I DUNNO JIMMY IT WAS DONE IN 90 SECONDS AND SMELLS AWFUL
	WordUpThome: THAT COULD BE EITHER ONE

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

The Texas Rangers lost last night’s Game 1 of the 2011 World Series to the St. Louis Cardinals, 3-2. It was another in a well-played string of games from Tony La Russa, who got an enormous faux-hawk and decided he’d rather not ever lose at baseball again. Game 2 goes down tonight, and then we head to Arlington for Dirk Nowitzki, Zooey Deschanel and everything else you think of when you hear “Texas”.

The real story of the game, at least in my household, was how long I could listen to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver speak before saying f**k it to baseball entirely and playing Arkham City. About three innings. The following Dugout is a verbatim recreation of those three innings.

Enjoy, if that’s possible.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Major League Baseball on Fox Chatroom!
	JoeBoo: two-and-one, now
	JoeBoo: /forty seconds of dead silence
	JoeBoo: Elvis Andrus
	JoeBoo: one away
	TheCarver: wait, what? what happened. what just happened
	JoeBoo: I think I explained it pretty clearly. Two-and-one now, Elvis Andrus, one away.
	TheCarver: those aren’t… those aren’t sentences. You’re just saying baseball words.
	TheCarver: like, what happens if somebody is listening to the game and needs to know what happened from the guy calling the game, how could they possibly put that together I can’t do a book report on Charlotte’s Web and expect "reading a book now, here’s templeton the rat, one away" to pass
	JoeBoo: what’s the problem, Tim
	TheCarver: explain to plot of "Rockabye Baby" to me
	JoeBoo: Rockabye Baby, in the tree top now. The bow has withstood the gust of the wind here tonight in St. Louis. No.
	JoeBoo: down comes baby, and isn’t it ironic that the day the baby was born was the same day Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game here in Philadelphia
	JoeBoo: /eighty seconds of silence
	JoeBoo: one away
	TheCarver: holy sh*t Joe, my brain is literally a puffy cheeto with a toothpick through the middle, when did I become the f**king brains of this operation
	JoeBoo: if you’d like to hear more, please insert $1,000
	TheCarver: Call the Itsy Bitsy Spider. The whole thing.
	JoeBoo: Eensy weensy spider now.
	TheCarver: /facepalms
	JoeBoo: and as you might know, the rain comes DOWN the water spout, and Ron Washington has got to be thinking "injuries"
	JoeBoo: two-and-oh the count now
	TheCarver: what are you even counting
	JoeBoo: /six minutes of silence
	JoeBoo: the spider, due to the rain, has been washed out.
	JoeBoo: Weather forecast calls for sun, so for all of us here at Fox Sports, I’m Joe Buck, and I’m going to stand motionless and stare at where the sun will be should it appear Tim Tim wake up
	TheCarver: sorry, lapsed into a coma
	TheCarver: seriously, do you seriously not see what you’re doing … do you not ever listen to this, do you honestly have no idea how you sound
	JoeBoo: like i give a f**k, this is my dad’s job
	JoeBoo: the only reason I’m here is because selling energy drinks door to door didn’t pan out i don’t care about baseball, i’ve been watching tv on my droid since this started, texas doesn’t even have a guy named elvis andrus
	JoeBoo: and speaking of TV, the critics are calling it "darling and irreverent", don’t forget to catch an all new episode of New Girl, this Tuesday on FOX
	TheCarver: ok i won’t
	TheCarver: so what’s happening now
	JoeBoo: men on first and second, one out. Jon Jay, now. Albert Pujols probably on deck. One away.
	TheCarver: jason jay is easily my favorite st. louis brown
	JoeBoo: mine too
	JoeBoo: just kidding, baseball’s been over for like two hours, we’re just getting paid to say bullsh*t on television I can say pretty much whatever I want Scotty McCreery is like Hitler. Fire me, bitch
	TheCarver: uh, I think there are people still out there /squints
	TheCarver: wait, has the game even started
	JoeBoo: /adds Chris Chelios to fantasy football team
	TheCarver: five-letter word: fail

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

Taco Bell has decided to follow up last year’s 2010 MLB postseason Mariano Rivera “closer” spots with San Francisco Giants reliever and self-proclaimed funniest man to ever live Brian Wilson. The results are about what you’d expect. Personal opinion of Wilson’s humor aside, you’d think they’d want someone who was actually in the playoffs for these commercials, wouldn’t you? How awesome would it be for a guy to be all “whew, can’t finish this XXL Chalupa” and Kyle Farnsworth comes running it, knocks it out of his hands and beats the sh*t out of him?

Today’s Dugout features the extended version of the commercial unsuitable for television broadcast because it contains harsh language, incorrect references to classic literature and an ingredient list for what’s actually in an XXL Chalupa. Reader discretion is advised.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Taco Bell Commercial Shoot Chatroom!
	XXLChalupa: /is disgusting as f**k
	Director: So, Brian, in this commercial the XXL Chalupa is SO BIG
	SMiLE: …you need a closer to finish it. FACT, NEW IDEA
	SMiLE: imagine this, I’M BLACK OPS, I’m gonna sneak up and finish these chalupas /does the robot to simulate "sneaking"
	SMiLE: where I show up, nobody knows CAUSE I’M BLACK OWPS!!!
	Director: what, no
	SMiLE: THESE MONSTERS ARE STACKED
	Director: why are you screaming at me
	SMiLE: I need to call my inner deliciousness, hello? /pulls gigantic Zack Morris phone from burlap sack labeled "pay attention to me"
	SMiLE: That double XL chalupa… never happened.
	Director: uh, all right, that’s an idea
	Director: only issues I have are 1. you’re a baseball player, and we put you in this cheap ass taco bell commercial because you’re a recognizable baseball star, not a black ops guy 2. why would you call your inner deliciousness to handle the problem when the deliciousness of the XXL Chalupa is what we’re trying to get over, and 3. are you feeling well
	SMiLE: okay, new idea, PICTURE IT, FACT
	SMiLE: I’m the great Captain Moby Dick, and I’m sailing the seven seas in search of THOSE XXL Chalupaz /does the running man to pantomime "sailing"
	Director: what
	XXLChalupa: what
	SMiLE: only, FACT, the XXL Chalupa is at Taco Bell, but Taco Bell is no longer a restaurant, now it is Literally a FLIPPIN WHALE
	SMiLE: but not just any whale, oh no, this is a UNICORN WHALE, which is a normal whale but with a spike stickin out of his FACE like my BEARD but up TOP
	Director: so like a narwhal
	SMiLE: like a GNARLY WHAL
	XXLChalupa: ugh if anybody needs me I’m going to be congealing in this box
	SMiLE: so I go down into the BOWELS which means BUTTHOLE of my ship and I say excuse me, ship? Or should I say, DELICIOUS-SHIP
	SMiLE: starwipe to 10 years later and that Gnarly Whal is mounted on my gnarly wall and I’m married to AND OR buttf**king the XXL Chalupa
	SMiLE: got heem
	Director: okay, what
	Director: look, why don’t we have the extra hold his stomach and look at the Chalupa confused, then you come in and say "I’m finishing this for you, like in baseball" and we list the ingredients and we’re done 20 seconds from now
	Director: why don’t we do that, okay
	XXLChalupa: yeah that sounds good to me too, I’m extremely large
	SMiLE: better idea, Taco Bell is delivering ingredients via TACO BELL AIRPLANE, I hijack that bad mamma jamma with The Machine and fly it into the ground
	Director: what
	XXLChalupa: holy shit what is happening
	SMiLE: starwipe to HEAVEN, I’m greeted by 40 virgins, all played by me in a wig in a dual role, they pleasure me by touching my RIGHTEOUS BEARD, which also electrocutes them
	SMiLE: enter: GOD, also played by me in a trual role, and he’s the BROSKI who can make 40 different menu items out of the same 7 ingredients
	SMiLE: but here’s the cinnamon twist
	Director: oh god
	SMiLE: FACT I’m really BLACK OWPS!!! And I hijacked that plane to GET to Heaven to SNEAK UP ON OUR LORD
	Director: to steal his chalupa
	SMiLE: but it’s a CRISIS OF FAITH, so I call up my pastor, REVEREND DELICOUSNESS and I ask him-
	Director: hold on, new plan
	Director: stand still for 20 seconds, we’re gonna film you looking forward and Clutch Cargo your lips to make you say "Taco Bell food is good, eat it"
	Director: I send it off to my editor and then immolate myself for having been put in this position
	SMiLE: hold on a TICK TACK, my beard is "bro"-ing me something
	SMiLE: what’s that?? you want NINJAS? oh silly billy why would CHINESE people be in a MEXICAN restaurant?? You’re a beard, you can’t talk!!!
	SMiLE: /wanders off
	Director: jesus christ
	XXLChalupa: sorry about that, just get somebody to paste his head on Mariano Rivera from the last commercial, it’ll be fine
	Director: yeah I’ll probly do that
	Director: wait, how are you talking?
	XXLChalupa: f**k if I know, I’m not even dead, forty minutes ago I was a horse, somebody wrapped me in a floor rug and put me on television

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

The key words here are “and other devices”.

Houston Astros’ outfielder Jordan Schafer has been arrested in Florida and charged with felony possession of marijuana.

According to an arrest report from the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s office, Schafer was arrested early Tuesday morning in Tampa after a traffic stop and was released on a $2,000 cash bond. It wasn’t clear if he had an attorney.

A police report says that black Land Rover driven by Schafer with its windows open pulled up next to a police car. Police say officers noticed a strong marijuana smell and saw Schafer smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Baseball players are doing drugs! Here at The Dugout we try to approach each breaking news bit about pro athlete substance abuse with dignity and respect, especially if we’ve never heard of the player, and pending that player not being Manny Ramirez or someone whose wife-beating bullsh*t makes us too sad for jokes. I don’t even think Jordan Schafer’s parents know who Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer is, so here’s a rundown of exactly what happened when he was arrested. And yes, the part about him having weed peanut butter cups is real.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Routine Traffic Stop Outside Of A The Cheesecake Factory Chatroom!
	LadyCop: /taps on window
	ElectricShafer: uhhhhhhhh /rolls down window
	LadyCop: jesus, son, it smells like Tim Lincecum’s asshole in your car, did you piss in a bong on your way over here
	ElectricShafer: naw mam
	LadyCop: I see you’re wearing a baseball cap. You play for the Braves?
	ElectricShafer: naw mam naw I do not at i just bought this hat because it match my shirt
	LadyCop: okay, good, because I don’t have great luck with baseball players
	ElectricShafer: i play for the houston astros
	LadyCop: What is that
	ElectricShafer: the uh, it’s a baseball team
	LadyCop: lol yeah right, what kinda seventies ass baseball squad named after damn outer space licence and registr-
	LadyCop: /glares
	ElectricShafer: /smokes dope
	LadyCop: you know I can see you, right
	ElectricShafer: aw shiit i forgot how eyes work /hastily tries to put it out by sucking cold end as hard as possible
	LadyCop: ugh, give it to me /takes marijuana cigarette now, license and-
	ElectricShafer: /eyes peanut butter cups in passengers seat
	LadyCop: i swear to the god I will pull out my night stick and cop your ass half to death through this window if you move
	ElectricShafer: ok sorry mam i just need to eat some snacks to relax
	ElectricShafer: glahhhhh /eats peanut butter cups
	LadyCop: they had weed in them, didn’t they
	ElectricShafer: i’m sorry officer i admit it, i am a doer of dope, i do dope
	ElectricShafer: i do it all the time, its so good
	LadyCop: I’ve heard of weed brownies, but weed peanut butter cups? Aren’t you getting like, weirdly specific?
	ElectricShafer: i got a plastic bag full of sh*t i made with dope in the back of the rover, look, dope peanut butter cups, dope pb+j, coconut cake with extra dope
	ElectricShafer: i like to go to jamba juice an order a 16 strawberry whirl and take it home, dump out all the strawberry whirl, fill the cup with dope and then eat the cup
	ElectricShafer: in fact i credit dope cup as one of the only reasons i’m still here living today, you know
	ElectricShafer: because "bullies"
	LadyCop: yeah I’ve shot you like three times already and you haven’t noticed
	LadyCop: You been drinking tonight?
	ElectricShafer: yes mam but only one beer
	LadyCop: how big was the one beer
	ElectricShafer: normal size but i emptied ilke six pixie stix in it injected the can with hgh, rubbed the outside with the clear an then shook that shti up
	LadyCop: let me guess, you got a funny name for that
	ElectricShafer: no but it is extremely hard to hold an now my brain is bloody
	LadyCop: ok, well, you admitted to drug use and possession but since you’re a white male all I can do is say "stop it" once, in a quiet voice
	LadyCop: stop it
	ElectricShafer: still pretty loud, honestly
	LadyCop: what are you doing with your life exactly though, I gotta ask
	ElectricShafer: i’m in the midst of a josh hamilton thing, where i do a bunch of drugs an f**k up my baseball career an then
	ElectricShafer: an then i don’t remember, but i do it
	ElectricShafer: /beer bongs an entire big thing of dope
	LadyCop: oh man if you were black right now
	LadyCop: Anyway, you’re free to go, have fun playing for the Houston Astros.
	ElectricShafer: uhhh on second thought could you take me to jail

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

Today at With Leather and across the sports-o-sphere has been a celebration of the “greatest night in baseball history”. If you aren’t up to speed, you can check out some of the amazing statistics or take a look at the emotional faces of men who both played in and watched the games.

The Tampa Bay Rays are going to the playoffs, and that works out well for The Dugout — that be-goggled gentleman in the photo is Kyle Farnsworth, relief pitcher and folk hero of the Official Chatroom For Major League Baseball. He pitched nearly a full inning against New York’s Scott Proctor, and if you’re a Dugout historian (and I know you are) you’ll know important that is to our epic, long-term storytelling.

Regardless, please enjoy today’s Dugout, which is technically the first in our semi-annual, semi-daily recapping of the MLB playoffs. (And drop us a comment, would you?)

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Tropicana Field Chatroom!
	DoctorProctor: Here we are in the bottom of the 10th — Yankees Rays, with playoff fates hanging in the balance.
	DoctorProctor: It is the true definition of baseball excitement and is shaping up to be one of the greatest nights in history, and after all this time in chat together, who does it come down to?
	DoctorProctor: Scott Proctor and Kyle Farnsworth. Former teammates, former best friends, now locked in a battle of nerves and skill, sweat and bone.
	DoctorProctor: Don’t you think that’s just … amazing??
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no i am at this precipiece Literally every day
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: did u see when don johnson hit a homerun straight into a chump’s nuts-sack
	DoctorProctor: …no?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: brb
	**Online Host** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth wants to directly connect. **Online Host** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth is now directly connected.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: if you look closeally you can see it bounts off his foul pole spider-man-sense lines added for rob liefeldesque impact
	DoctorProctor: Well, that’s the last home run the "Bronx Bombers" are giving up tonight! We’re gonna win this game!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: watch the video u can see the duder huncht over like "ohhhh shiit" i’d embed it but baseball.com doesn’t let me
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: probly cause the only person allowd "embed" with major league baseball is BIG BUISNESS
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: am i right up high
	DoctorProctor: Could we have this conversation later? I’m tring to strike out José Lobatón.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: lobaton that’s easy just underhand it a lot
	** Online Host ** José Lobatón has struck out looking.
	DoctorProctor: whew, got him Say, shouldn’t you be keeping warm? After I strike out Johnny Damon with my patented "baseball" it’ll be your turn to pitch again!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no im on a strick four pitch liment it only took 5 guys for me to strike out the side i am p. much done for teh year
	DoctorProctor: are you serious This is the most exciting night in baseball history, Kyle! You’ve got to stay in there and pitch!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: "most exciten night in baseball history" what’re you a virgin blogger, 45 goodish minutes dont suddenly make baseball exciten, scott, it is boring as f**k an you an i know it most exciten night in baseball history go blog about you’re are mom’s basement
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: im gonna change into my worlt series combat goggles an iPad the f**k outta some The Pretty Reckless
	DoctorProctor: okay :( How are they?
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i would say fairly reckless
	DoctorProctor: May the best team win!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the best team would not have scott proctor on it your f**ken terrible have you not rullized this since 2004 imma start pooring asti spumanti down the curve a my jock an splashen folks with powerful hip thrusts, PEACE
	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Bottom Of the 12th Inning at Tropicana Field Chatroom!
	DoctorProctor: /why is scott proctor still pitching
	EvanAlmighty: /hits ball like it stole something
	** Online Host ** EvanAlmighty has hit a home run. The Tampa Bay Rays have defeated the New York Yankees 8-7.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: YEAH WHAT NOW SUCK MY JIM THOME CAPITAL LETTERS NEW YORK YANKEES WE ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS AN U BOUT TO GET PLAYED OFF CAPITAL LETTERRSSSS HOLY SH*T LOOK AT MY PANTS
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /thrusts hips
	EvanAlmighty: hey, watch it
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: YEAHHHHH BLEERRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH /smashes six pack of Miller Light against goggles, tries to drown Sam Fuld
	WontGetFuldAgain: glarg glarg
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: MY ARMS ARE F**KEN WEIRD LOOKEN GO RAYS GO YOU F**KEN RAYSSS /smashes bottle of wine over Reid Brignac’s head
	BrignacPaddywhack: /collapses
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: SUCK IT SCOTT TASTE THE YELLOWISH-GREEN DISCHARGE OF FAILURE, HOW DOES IT TASTE SCOTT HOW DOES THIS VILE PUTRID OFFAL TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH DOES IT TASTE LIKE ARBYS
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: DOES MY DYACK TASTE LIKE BRONCOBERRIE SAUCE SCOTT /thrusts hips
	DoctorProctor: Are you serious? The Yankees finished 32 games over .500. We clinched the AL East in like, February.
	DoctorProctor: We’re BOTH going to the playoffs! And we might even PLAY each other again! Won’t that be great??
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ugh no i put on my emasculaten goggles for nothin
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what happent to the greatest night in base balls history, who did we even beat
	DoctorProctor: The Red Sox, maybe!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: well thats good i guess
	DoctorProctor: Check your iPad! See what the score is!
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i broke it in half poured boones farm in its insides and taped it back together in ecstacy i should pay more attention to base ball
	** Online Host ** Meanwhile, in the Oriole Park At Camden Yards Chatroom …
	FredFlintstoneAndino: /singles to left
	FranconaBun: /throws up hands
	RedSoxFans: /gave up a month ago

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Yesterday, we shared with you the news that beloved (cough) Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has parted ways with the organization because he couldn’t fly to Spain on their dime and wanted a bigger boat. In the Bard’s own words, by way of the Chicago Sun-Times:

“If I leave here, I will say, ‘I leave here because I want to make my [bleeping] money,’ ” he said. “You know why? Because no [bleeping] fans, no [bleeping] Jerry or [bleeping] anybody is going to take care of my grandkids and put me in a 62-foot boat. That’s why there’s free agency.’’

The Dugout has been on a brief hiatus while I was away on vacation and/or readjusting to the rigors of going to work every day in my underwear, so please enjoy this super-sized edition featuring the entire Ozzie Guillen saga, from his announcement of free agency to his Floridian journey and all the way back to Chicago, where the managers flow like wine. If you get concerned about the accents as you read, please remember how Ozzie Guillen actually sounds, and consider that I did him a favor.

The strip will be back in our regular rotation again from here on out (because baseball season being over is the best time for Dugouts, because I’m not watching baseball and things are actually happening) so be sure to like us on Facebook to keep up with the stories and drop us a comment either here or there. We’d also appreciate feedback in the form of 62-foot boats.

Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Chicago White Sox Chatroom!
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: do i have any doubt abou my decision, no, i have no doubt at all
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: woul i like to sleep on it a lil longer? i slep enough, or lag of sleep
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: i’ve hay errybody else biting nailce, so i guess its time for them to stop chooing … the anser to the queshin errbody wans to know … ozzie guillien what is you decision
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: in this spring this is very tough im tayging my talence to south beach to join a miami marlins
	GitRDunn: who’re you talkin to
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: i will miss you slim jim
	GitRDunn: what
	** Online Host ** OzzieOzzieOzzie has left the chatroom.
	GitRDunn: /strikes out
	** Online Host ** Later …
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: c’mon come play for me in miami i no how to when
	KaZambrano: you a south side guy, ozzie, im a north side guy, what happen when fans see us play together, we will stinks in they eyes
	KaZambrano: i coul never play with you, is embarrassing, is embarrassing
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: carlos, put aside this coastal gang war for a momen an remenber one importan thing:
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: we have the same race
	KaZambrano: oh thats right ok ozzie we shoul be best frens
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: how abou you, armis, take you talence to a southern beach
	ReadOnlyMemory: ehhhh i dunno
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: you will like it, there are fish in a backstop an our uniformce will be blag an green an yellow an blue an orntch an white an teal an probly red
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: they give me so much money i buy a f**ken boat, which i put a airplang blade on the back of an speedboat into a backstop
	ReadOnlyMemory: don know, i hear miami not so gray for peoples of hispanic descent
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: haven you hear the song "welcom to miami" by willsmith
	KaZambrano: youve heard it, is the one where he say he got a prada bag with a lot a stuff in it, because he rhyme like jean-ralphio from park and re-creation
	ReadOnlyMemory: o right that’s the one about miami
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: DREMTEM
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: play for me we have a DREMTEM in miami firce one ever
	KaZambrano: ok im lebrong your dewayne wane aramis is crisbosh
	ReadOnlyMemory: no im lebron you dwangwang ozzie is crisbosh
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: f**k u im no f**king crisbosh crisbosh is no good, im lebron AN dwayne wait u 2 are crisbosh
	KaZambrano: /gets mad /goes to the media
	ReadOnlyMemory: /gets mad /goes to management
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: /gets mad /goes to Twitter
	** Online Host ** Later, in the Miami Marlins Chatroom
	fLORIdA: so let me get this straight
	fLORIdA: you wanted to make millions of dollars and have a successful career managing a team full of your dominican and venezuelan friends
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: righ
	fLORIdA: so you decided to leave chicago and come play for me, jeffrey loria, on a team that treats hispanic players like dog-servants in funny jackets on the reg and treats their managers even worse
	fLORIdA: and you understand that the man you’re replacing was literally methuselah from the holy bible because the hispanic guy before him hated it and quit almost instantly
	OzzieOzzieOzzie: yase
	fLORIdA: awesome, here’s your signing bonus of four dollars and a 2 liter of mountain splash, have fun in 1000 degrees
	** Online Host ** Meanwhile, in the Chicago White Sox Chatroom…
	KennyMoveItLikeThis: Joey, we’re going to move forward with you as manager.
	JoeCorasWild: Wow, thank you sir, that’s a great honor.
	KennyMoveItLikeThis: In Ozzie’s absence, we feel like the manager should be an infielder of Hispanic origin with deep ties to the organization.
	KennyMoveItLikeThis: We’re having a meeting about it later today, I’m texting you the info right now.
	JoeCorasWild: okay!
	KennyMoveItLikeThis: This is your moment, Joey. We believe in you.
	JoeCorasWild: Thank you sir, I won’t let you down.
	** Online Host ** JoeCorasWild has received a text message.
	JoeCorasWild: /checks phone
	JoeCorasWild: :(

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Finally, a Pirates of the Caribbean Dugout that doesn’t have to be about Pittsburgh.

Philadelphia Phillies star John Mayberry Jr. made headlines this week when he asked his agent to hook him up with Antoinette Nikprelaj, an actress who played a sexy mermaid in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I’d be lying if I could tell you which one she is, even with Google image search. From an article in the New York Post:

An agent at CAA’s baseball division, which represents Mayberry, has been firing off e-mails to rival agency Innovative Artists, asking them to “connect” the outfielder with their client, sultry model and actress Nikprelaj.

The story goes on to say that Andy Roddick met Brooklyn Decker when he saw a picture of her and got his agent to talk to her, so I guess “get your agent to e-mail somebody” is the new “bathe her and bring her to me”. As the official archivist for the chatroom of Major League Baseball I can’t hear “a guy on the Phillies wants to do it with a mythological creature” and not share this, so please click through to enjoy today’s Dugout, all about a man with a dream. A really specific, out-of-his-league dream.

The Dugout

	MaybeItsMayberry: hi, I’m a 27 year old 2nd gen professional baseball player who makes 400K a year, I can’t figure out how to get a girlfriend, can you help
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: Sure! Here at the CAA we make introductions or hook up stars with suitable partners.
	MaybeItsMayberry: what does that mean exactly
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: we’re like eHarmony for people who are lazy instead of desperate
	MaybeItsMayberry: ?
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: beards and prostitutes
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: Let’s start from the top: in as many words as possible, describe to me your Dream Woman.
	MaybeItsMayberry: the upper part of her would be a woman, an like the lower part of her would be a fish
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: so, a Mermaid
	MaybeItsMayberry: oh ok i didn’t know that was a actual thing
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: Sure, many of today’s top sports stars are both narcissistic and drugged out of their minds, so often times we find matches by opening up ESPN the Magazine and the D&D Monster Manual on the same table and seeing which pairings would be the funniest.
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: this is how Ryan Howard ended up with a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader, and why Derek Jeter was recently photographed f**king a Shambling Mound
	MaybeItsMayberry: is he back with mariah carey, i thought she got married
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: who even knows anymore
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: and you’re sure you want the woman part on top, and not vice versa
	MaybeItsMayberry: yeah I want her to be hot, I want to be able to see her hoozits and whats-its galore
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: you want thingamabobs?
	MaybeItsMayberry: i’ve had twenty they’re no big deal
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: the reason I ask is because fish reproduction is tricky; instead of loving human intercourse, the female makes eggs, and you just sorta swing by and fertilize
	MaybeItsMayberry: that’s fine, it’s like sex with any other woman, only backwards
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: how would you describe yourself? /readies Newton
	MaybeItsMayberry: first of all i would tell a lady that I have a .240 career batting average, then i would explain how i’m the type of guy who gets his agent to send e-mails to people to set up dates, because it’s 2011 and my only perspective on women or romance is wanting to put my dick in the magical things i see in movies
	MaybeItsMayberry: i also own 80 fish tanks
	MaybeItsMayberry: i sound a lot like Barack Obama, which is weird
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: so we’ll go with "a great guy, down-to-earth, humble, Stanford-educated, etc."
	MaybeItsMayberry: down-to-earth is great
	MaybeItsMayberry: be sure to mention how i hate looking people in the eye or using the telephone
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: I think that’s included in "great guy"
	MaybeItsMayberry: oh ok sorry
	MaybeItsMayberry: so hey, if this doesn’t work what are my options, i am contractually obligated to make a john mayberry 3
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: you could make a connection with a person in real life, fall in love, treat her like a partner and not like a thing to win
	MaybeItsMayberry: too much work
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: you could ejaculate into one of your fish tanks
	MaybeItsMayberry: also too much work
	MaybeItsMayberry: oh hey look while i’m here i gotta go to the bathroom, is there anything you could do to help
	TakeThisJobAndLovett: sure, dook onto this iPad and I’ll walk over and scrape it off in the toilet
	MaybeItsMayberry: living in the future is great

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