If you missed out on this week’s big baseball news, San Francisco Giants relief pitcher Jean Machi farted in the Giants bullpen. This is seriously the only important thing that happened in baseball this week. What are we supposed to write about, Derek Jeter being injured? Alex Rodriguez being cleared to walk on a treadmill?

Actually, that is kinda funny. So hey, while I think of some gay stereotype things to type in capital letters about centaurs, please enjoy today’s edition of The Dugout, which is about Jean Machi’s awful, stank butthole.

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horrifying photo credit: Shutterstock.com

Look at this guy. Haven’t you always wanted to smell like him? Now you can!

Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

Two important notes:

1. I did not make this up, I swear to God.
2. The Dugout template is being difficult, so please excuse our mess.

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Hey guys, what’s going on in this chatroom?

Baseball season is officially underway, and with it comes the return of The Dugout, the long-running, critically-acclaimed thing we do sometimes where baseball players curse at each other in a chatroom. We’ve been doing it so long, when we started people still used chatrooms.

Anyway, the big MLB news of the day is Yu Darvish and his perfect almost perfect game.

The Texas Rangers’ right-hander struck out 14 batters in 8 2/3 innings before yielding a ground ball up the middle to Houston Astros shortstop Marwin Gonzalez. He threw 111 pitches, 78 for strikes, before manager Ron Washington pulled him. The Rangers won 7-0. (via USA today)

If you missed the game, here’s a verbatim reenactment of the final inning. The Dugout is after the jump.

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Jim Thome is now a Baltimore Oriole, and “Jim Thome trades” are between “Phillie Phanatic got injured” and “Kate Upton uploaded naked pictures of herself” on the list of important stories for me to cover. It’s just what I do.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, we’ve set up our first ever cross-site Dugout promotion. For part one of this Dugout, you’ll want to head over to Progressive Boink, the strip’s original home.

Like that, leave a comment, then head back over to read part two, which has fewer curse words but more overt references to The Wire. It’s fun for all, and I love my friends at P-Boi, so stick around over there and read some dumb stuff.

Anyway, Dugout, Thome, Orioles. After the jump.

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Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon and Washington Nationals manager Davey Johnson have spent the last few days insulting each other over an incident involving pine tar on Joel Peralta’s gloves.

The Washington Post has a full rundown of choice quotes — including Maddon saying Johnson had made a “pussy move” (or “cowardly”, depending on who’s story you’re reading) and Johnson calling Maddon a “weird wuss” with a “Tweeter”. We can only hope this goes on until the end of the season, when the Rays meet the Nationals in the World Series and Fidel Castro is throwing out the first pitch.

Anyway, the “what” of this story is less important than the “why”, so for all your Why needs, today’s Dugout is after the jump.

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Last night, San Francisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain threw a perfect game. The 10-0 victory over the Houston Astros was the first perfect game in Giants franchise history and only the 22nd in Major League Baseball history. Some are calling it the greatest game ever pitched.

Cain, the longest-tenured Giant, has been through it all in his eight seasons in San Francisco. He has seen highs — a World Series title in 2010 — and lows — dozens of losses on nights when he was brilliant.

Through it all, Cain has been unflappable, but that trait never has been tested as it was Wednesday night.

“There’s really nothing like it,” said Cain, who previously had taken five no-hitters into the seventh inning and had a perfect game into the sixth inning of his second start this season.

“I was having to recheck myself to see the signs that Buster (Posey) was putting down. I was thinking about it. It felt like it was the World Series, but it almost felt a little louder.” (via Mercury News)

Cain’s special night is the feature of today’s Dugout, after the jump.

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