Pictured L to R: Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow

“Here’s the story, of a lovely lady…”

‘The Brady Bunch’ is one of my favorite shows of all-time. Its reruns were my first real, sustained exposure to popular culture from before I was born, and something about a house full of lingo-spewing, disco-monster siblings appealed to an only child from the 80s. And hey, thankfully for me (and the Sports On TV column) the show is full of sports content, be it memorable (like Joe Namath showing up in a dream sequence to reveal he couldn’t have won the Super Bowl without a buck-toothed 8-year old) or the obscure (Wes Parker? Really?).

If you’ve never watched ‘The Brady Bunch’, flip through the column anyway. I’ve included applicable clips when possible, and at the very least you’ll want to see a Pony League game set to funk music. Show it to your parents or something.

And now, the 20 greatest sports moments from ‘The Brady Bunch’. Keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on clickin’ on through the post.

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That song makes everything funnier.

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Links

UPROXX Live Q&A With ‘Archer’s’ Amber Nash And Lucky Yates, AKA The Voices Of Pam Poovey And Doctor Krieger - “Is Lucky your real name, or do people call you that because of the time you slipped in pee-pee and got a structured cash settlement?” [UPROXX]

Here’s The Mitt Romney/Eminem Mashup You’ve All Been Waiting For - On the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down. [UPROXX]

5 Artists You Missed At SXSW While Waiting In Line To See Rick Ross - Rick Ross should’ve performed all four seconds of his verse from ‘Monster’, threw up his hands, yelled “THANK YOU AUSTIN” and disappeared. [Smoking Section]

Michael Bay And Michaelangelo Respond To The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Kerfuffle - “Relax, friends, I’m working with a guy in a TMNT shit from Hot Topic and he and I think aliens are awesome, so shut up. The first draft of our script is just the words ‘green explosion’ written on 150 sheets of paper.” [Gamma Squad]

Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch would like to report a Ninja Turtle sodomy - Meanwhile, ’3J’ from ‘Family Matters’ would like to report that he is extremely hungry. [Film Drunk]

5 Bleak British Television Series That Will Kick In Your Pretty American Teeth - ‘Fawlty Towers’ should be on here, that sh*t was bleak. Poor Basil Fawlty can’t get one second of peace in his entire life. [Warming Glow]

The Cast Of “American Pie”: Then & Now - This is just an excuse to juxtapose Tara Reid photos, isn’t it? Also, Shannon Elizabeth needs to start aging somewhere other than the neck. [Buzzfeed]

Kimmel Unveils Rick Santorum-Approved Pornography - Not looking forward to this guy being President and me having to masturbate with a handful of gravel. [HuffPost Comedy]

Modern-Day Icarus - Not interested in seeing this guy’s contraption again unless he’s plummeting down a cliffside during a mission in Red Dead Redemption. [High Definite]

10 Skateboarding Sneakers For People Who Can’t Stand Skateboarders - My awesome David Otunga-style argyle Vans better be on here somewhere. [Brobible]

16 Celebrities With Mustache Eyebrows - The Internet, ladies and gentlemen. [The FW]

Before today, my only knowledge of shootfighting came from when Buddy Hinton picked on Cindy Brady for lisping and Peter goes into training to kick his ass.

Thankfully, lookoutawhale and Chaplin’s House have boiled down the history of Ultimate Fighting Championship to a ‘Brady Bunch’ parody theme with animated cartoon graphics and I’m finally able to provide the analytical MMA insight you expect from a mainstream sports blog. Brock Lesnar’s going to try to reason with that bully Alistair Overeem but it won’t work, so Brock’ll punch a lisp into him and send him back to WWE, right? And then Brock will sit on the cage wall and yell “BABY TALK BABY TALK IT’S A WONDER YOU CAN TALK”.

Wait, that’s still not right, is it? Ugh, fake fighting is so much easier to understand.

[via CagePotato]

Sports

The Most Unfair Characters in Video Game History - Bo Jackson from Tecmo Bowl, the Miami Heat from NBA 2K11 and Michael Vick from every football game for like four years are included on this list, right alongside Dr. Wily. If we’re throwing in people from sports games, I’d like to nominate the entire roster of the American Dreams from Baseball Stars. [Smoking Section]

Behind Every Man: A Retrospective on Derek Jeter’s 3,000 Hits, Women - The most important aspect of Derek Jeter getting to 3,000 hits is that he has slept with (or at least Troy McClure-dated) nearly every attractive woman in Hollywood. I’d invite Jeter to my birthday party, but I’d be afraid he’d show up with Hayley from Paramore or whoever and just make out with her in front of me. I hate you, Derek Jeter >.< [With Leather]

Best and Worst of Raw 7/11: The Defining Moment of Our Generation - Actual important and cool things are happening on pro wrestling, so if you are one of those types who cheered for Stone Cold Steve Austin with your friends and haven’t given a sh:t since, jump in here and read all about it. Or, you know, don’t support the good stuff and we’ll have 10 more years of meandering crap. [With Leather]

On This Day in MMA History: July 12 - If you don’t like wrestling, you’ve probably never seen this baby photo of Brock Lesnar, and it is even better than you’re imagining. If I had three wishes, one of them would be to own a Baby Brock Lesnar. [Cage Potato]

Not Sports

RIP Sherwood Schwartz - Matt Ufford wrote a quicky eulogy for this guy, but he was actually super important to my life. I was a hyper-advanced only child without any form of ADD, so I spent way too much of my childhood staring at TV reruns, and without Sherwood Schwartz I would’ve been miserable and stuck watching NOVA. The Brady Bunch is shoot one of my favorite shows of all time, and last seasons Jan is the foxiest pre-birth crush ever. [Warming Glow]

Supercut: Cinemas Dirtiest Dirty Talk - I was hoping both American Psycho and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon would be in this, and I wasn’t disappointed. Not the kind of thing you should watch in front of people, but the kind of thing you should watch. [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: The Zuckerberg Note Pass Is the Meme That Keeps on Giving - I feel bad that I think of Jesse Eisenberg now whenever I hear “Mark Zuckerberg”, to the point that real pictures of the guy look like an imposter. I wonder if Eisenberg is actually Facebook friends with Rashida Jones? [Uproxx]

The Live-Action Akira Has Finally Reached Its Apocalypse - The fact that the Akira movie is never going to get made is one of those things that help me know God exists. They wanted to make it about Keanu Reeves shooting machine guns and doing kung-fu with his motorcycle. Jesus Christ. [Gamma Squad]