"Don't do it, broseph."

Providing further evidence that hiking serves no purpose, 64-year old Amos Wayne Richards picked up a copy of 127 Hours recently, and James Franco’s gritty performance totally inspired him. The film, of course, tells the story of hiker Aron Ralston, who decided to go hiking in Utah’s Little Blue John Canyon by himself and eventually had to amputate his own arm with a broken credit card after being trapped under a boulder for, well, 127 hours.

So Richards decided to take a trip to Little Blue John Canyon and go hiking by himself. Wanna take a guess at what happened next?

Canyonlands National Park rangers found Richards four days later. Along with the leg injury, he had dislocated his shoulder but was able to work it back into place.

“It took me about three or four minutes to work my shoulder and get it back in place, and once I got it back in place, I stood up and realized my ankle hurt a little bit,” Richards told WBTV in Charlotte, N.C.

Without cellphone service and only two protein bars to eat, Richards began crawling back to his car across the rocky terrain. He filled his water bottles with rain as he painstakingly retraced his steps, eventually dragging himself almost five miles.

(Via the Los Angeles Times)

Broken leg. Four days crawling across the desert in the middle of Bumblefart, Utah. All because he was inspired by a movie about a guy who already got trapped in the desert. I may not be the most fitness-crazy guy, nor do I really give a squat about nature (hooray technology!), but I’ve been told they have machines at gyms that can simulate this kind of exercise and adventure. Hell, if you want the experience of losing a limb, I’ll run you over in the parking lot. Beats the crap out of traveling 2,500 miles.

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn has raised an eyebrow this week over the concern that the National Science Foundation has been wasting a great deal of money on various projects that he believes aren’t worth a diddly and the squat it rode in on. Among those projects, scientists have been running shrimp on tiny treadmills to “measure the impact of sickness on crustaceans”.

That’s right – we’re training shrimp to be the best at exercising.

The Oklahoma Republican issued a new report Thursday that concludes the National Science Foundation has misspent $3 billion on “waste, fraud, duplication and mismanagement.” It offers a list of research projects that could have been left as questions for the universe.

Among them, $2 million to analyze 38 million photos on Flickr and cross-reference them against the site’s social networking service. Turns out, researchers concluded, that friends generally post photos on the Internet depicting the same place at the same time. (Fox News)

$2 million to analyze Flickr? Let me save them some effort – it’s 30 million photos of dudes in skinny jeans drinking PBR. But let’s go back to the part that really matters – shrimp on tiny treadmills. If there is video of these alleged shrimp running on their alleged tiny treadmills, then I would say the money is well spent. Until then…

*cowboy octopus riding a seahorse crashes through wall, sprays ink message*

Oh there’s a video, friends.

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I have never watched an episode of the Jersey Shore, but I’m fully aware of the terrible legacy that MTV has established by introducing the world to people like Snooki, J-Woww, the Situation, Vinny, Pauly D, and those other people. And that makes me sad, because I wish I’d never heard of them. Sometimes I really admire the Amish and backwoods hillbillies for not owning TVs, but without one I wouldn’t have been able to drool over the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night. Such a double-edged sword.

I also try not to keep up with tabloid gossip, but in this biznass it’s nearly impossible, so I’m well aware that when this calendar year wraps up, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will have made $5 million while having no discernible talents. The guy gets paid to show up to places and point at his stomach, for which I’m not knocking him. Good for him. I wish I could get paid to show up places and hip thrust. Instead, I get banned from Baby GAP. But as much as we bash the Guido culture, it’s given us a great deal of material to work with, J-Woww’s huge breasts, and Vince at FilmDrunk.

The Situation recently released his own workout DVD for the holiday season, called “The Situation Workout.” As I’m naturally ripped I have no need for such a silly product, but for those of you looking to be the best at exercising, you can pick up a copy at Amazon or in hell. In the meantime, the blooper reel from his DVD has recently turned up, and not only does it showcase his glaring lack of charisma, but he also has a special friend pop up. He gets a boner, is what I’m trying to say.

Follow along after the jump for a look at the bloopers and some other fine moments in the Sitch’s exercise portfolio…

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Matthew Partridge is a man with a dream – he wants to walk from one side of Britain to the other. This brave soul is doing it just because he wants to, with no social commentary or political agenda. Nope, Matthew simply wants to prove to himself that he can make the 1,200-mile journey on his own, and nobody will stand in his way. Except maybe a bad Internet connection.

Partridge’s walk from Land’s End to John O’Groats will take place entirely on Google Street View, because he’s far too busy to bother with things like training to walk. Instead he is training to sit at his computer for 10 hours per day and pretend to walk thanks to Google’s virtual mapping. And even though there are millions of people throughout the world whose jobs require them to sit in front of computers for 8 to 10 hours per day, Partridge is still treating this as it’s some sort of serious grueling physical task. Big whoop, I’ve made it through 2,000 pages of PornHub in less than three days.

Write this story with your poking stick, The Sun:

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