This clip has been making the rounds over the past few days, and I didn’t want to be the last person in your sports blogging world to say, “hey, check out this guy using a weight bench to swim and/or tear every muscle in his body.” Who needs a spine, anyway?

This is my new excuse for half-assing it to the gym. Sometimes I want to change it up and do a new exercise, so I’ll find a bench of a machine and just sit there mentally trying to figure it out or physically trying to adapt my body to however I’m supposed to sit, and … no. Occasionally I’ll look up an instructional video on YouTube and work my way through it. But how am I supposed to do that when I know the entire gym is armed with smartphones, and are just waiting to pounce on my futility and upload it to mass applause? I’M JUST TRYING TO WORK OUT MY DELTOIDS, WHATEVER THOSE ARE, STOP LOOKING AT ME.

Anyway, I hope the follow-up to this video is him jumping into a swimming pool and swimming super f**king fast.

[h/t to Bob's Blitz]

With so much global attention being focused on the promotion of both healthy bodies and body image acceptance, it’s sometimes nice to see stories about people who have taken up weight loss challenges and followed through. But it’s even nicer when those stories involve animals, because animals are cute and people tend to suck. In this case, two pets from Bradford, West Yorkshire, England were pitted against each other in an adorable weight loss contest, and the big winner was the above cat, Fifi Bottomley.

When she was entered into the contest, Fifi weighed more than 20 pounds. Six months later, she now weighs 16-pounds, which some people might call the purrfect weight. *punches self in balls, coughs up hairball*

Fifi’s owner Monica Bottomley said: “Fifi is so much more active now and it’s clear she’s happier. PDSA’s advice was vital in helping Fifi to lose her extra weight; I really couldn’t have done it without them. My advice to other owners in a similar position is simple – don’t keep putting it off. Get proper advice and stick to it – it’s worth the effort for your pet’s wellbeing. If you love your pet, don’t keep delaying.” (Via The Telegraph and Argus)

Also, if you love your pet, don’t overfeed it and let it get morbidly obese. Maybe try that first before you spend a bunch of money on pet fitness programs. But that’s just me and my whack job theories.

The real issue at hand here is that Fifi’s opponent was Deco, a Labrador retriever. Indeed, that means that a cat has defeated a dog. This is a very troubling blow to my ongoing life thesis work that will ultimately prove that dogs are better than cats. This is a huge counterattack to that theory and now I’m scared that my work may ultimately be in vain. How scared am I? This scared…

Read the rest of this entry »

Over the weekend, while we were busy with more important things like Tiger Woods’ knee, Peyton Manning’s jet and Dwight Howard’s flip flops, people were gathering in major cities across the globe to help preserve a better future for our billionaire athletes and us to live in. On Saturday, hipsters galore shed their clothes for the World Naked Bike Ride to raise awareness for various global issues, including oil and fossil fuel dependency, traffic safety and, of course, stone cold nudity.

So what better way for cyclists to tell drivers they’re fed up with being struck and killed in traffic than by risking their droops and sags being caught in spokes and chains? At least that’s what more than 300 people in Peru did, as they brought awareness to the 3,000 cyclists who were killed in Peru in 2009. And all 9 of the New Zealanders who rode for clean air. Come on, New Zealand, you’re better than that.

Anyway, this was one rabbit hole of pictures I was not prepared for. Maybe next year I’ll join in ride to raise awareness that nobody wants to see a bunch of old hippies’ penises. Until then, enjoy some SFW highlights from around the world.

Read the rest of this entry »

"GET SHREDDED, BRO!"

If you had 6 days in the “How Long Until People Will Start Complaining About Something Stupid?” pool, then pat yourself on the back, because you win. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a prize, because all my money is tied up in my new gym membership at Equinox, where “It’s not fitness, it’s life.” And it’s Equinox that is causing a stir with its latest ad campaign that features attractive models doing things that wealthy people do. Why, I’ve never heard of something so outrageous!

According to ABC News, the complaint du jour, by actual Equinox members, is that the models are too skinny and don’t represent the healthy lifestyle that a gym should promote. It makes me so angry that I don’t even want to finish bench-pressing my butler.

Equinox members peppered the company’s Facebook site this week with criticiam, saying the models looked “anorexic.”

“Why did all of the models have a runway physique?” one member wrote. “Equinox is promoting health and fitness, so I would like to see some healthy and fit women on their ad campaigns who look like they could actually survive a typical Equinox class. Can we maybe see a little bit of muscle on the ladies next time around? The Nike ads are great examples of strong, fit women!” another member wrote.

An Equinox membership costs approximately $135-183 a month, not to mention the $400 “initiation fee”, which I assume includes an elephant walk at a private country club and running across the Aventura Mall while carrying a diamond between my butt cheeks. Needless to say, it’s an upscale fitness club.

So the fact that people are bitching because the ads – check them out after the jump – for their fancy pants gym – that specifically claims it’s not about fitness – are coming across too fancy pants is pretty damn ridiculous. But that’s why I stick to a simple, timeless workout routine.

Read the rest of this entry »

Yo girl, your titty.

If you’re worried that the special lady in your life has been packing on a few extra pounds this holiday season, you’re in luck. Kim Kardashian wants to help women look more like her and starting after Christmas, they’ll be able to when they watch her new workout DVD, Ultimate Butt Body Sculpt.

Basically, as that title implies, Kardashian’s ass is the “Ultimate Butt” and it is the derriere that all women should aspire to have. So all they have to do is follow Kim’s quick and easy workout routine that involves two tiny dumbbells and the ability to step up and down, and VOILA! They’’ll have an ass like two honey baked hams.

A DVD as genius as this should have been given to us years ago. So what the hell took so long?

The DVD, which was made in conjunction with Kardashian-endorsed weight-loss supplement Quick Trim in 2009, will be released in the UK on December 26.

The decision to promote the video comes after Kris, whom Kim filed for divorce from on October 31, made derogatory comments about the star’s shape.

(Via the Daily Mail)

Ah yes, that whole thing with Kris Humphries calling Kim fat. How convenient. But that Quick Trim bit, that’s pretty interesting. You see, Quick Trim is just another BS “lose weight fast” product that doesn’t actually do anything for people and really only ends up making them fatter.

Honestly, I’m just surprised that Kim hasn’t teamed up with the transgender doctor in Miami Gardens and endorsed women injecting cement into their asses. I’m sure that’s on the burner for Valentine’s Day, though.

Read the rest of this entry »

As someone who is naturally chiseled and often compared to most Greek gods (not like you, Fatasseus), I understand how seriously some people are about a proper fitness regimen. Staying in shape is not an easy task, so when it comes to hiring an assistant, it’s important to find someone who can not only complement your style and intensity, but also stay out of your way and let you work your magic. For instance, a gentleman in Vancouver recently posted an ad on Craigslist announcing his desire to find the perfect fitness assistant for his needs, and he held nothing back. No pain, no gain, ladies.

Admittedly, I just assumed the typical Vancouver workout consisted of throwing trash cans through store windows, but according to this ad after the jump, there’s so much more to it.

Read the rest of this entry »