As a human being attached to a sports blog, it is my contractual duty to report any and all Slayer-related sports news. If you are not interested in Slayer or Slayer sports news, please go to www.cuteoverload.com, lift your computer monitor above your head and bring it crashing down onto your face.

ESPN recently continued their decades-old attempt to top that one SportsCenter commercial with Gheorghe Muresan dancing with an effort featuring stuffed-shirt analyst John Clayton as a Slayer-loving burnout who still lives with his mom. It’s great, and it blew up on the Internet, with the original video getting over 2 million views.

Artisan News recently interviewed legendary Slayist (Slayerist?) Kerry King about the clip, and he loved it. Video of him reacting to it and showing it to everyone he knows is after the jump. If you want to have bonus fun with the clip, take a drink every time someone says “Metal Masters”. Pretty sure that’s the most metal way to watch a YouTube video without eating your friend’s brains.

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Links

Christmas Commercials from the 1950s and ’60s Are the Best - … but none of them are as good as that McDonald’s one. And the McDonald’s one isn’t as good as Peter returning home for Folgers. [Warming Glow]

Television’s Biggest Douchebags in 2011 - I’m not sure Glenn Beck qualifies as a “douchebag” so much as he does for “person who should not be allowed to say things on TV and influence people because he’s basically a televangelist and is making things way worse”. [Warming Glow]

The Prometheus Trailer Is Finally Here - I really hope this movie ends with Catwoman kicking Michael Fassbender in the nuts. [Film Drunk]

The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag: Aaron rodgers Is Going To Screw Us, Isn’t He - Probably. Tim Tebow isn’t going to screw us, though, he’s going to be a nice person forever. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Hollywood’s Hottest Jews: Some People Are Just A Little More “Chosen” Than Others - Yes, Alison Brie and Kat Dennings are amazing, but holy sh*t this article title. If I wrote “hollywood’s hottest jews” on something and published it I’d probably hang myself. [Pajiba]

5 Design Problems Video Games Really Need to Fix - Is “that frost dragon grabbing me with his mouth and shaking me around until I’ve died” a design problem? Because somebody needs to fix that one, too. [Gamma Squad]

5 Features That Will Make Me Buy The iPad 3 - One feature that will make me buy the iPad 3: my girlfriend’s angry face. [Smoking Section]

The 30 Craziest Facebook Stories Of 2011 - Also known as “cool story bro 2011″. None of these stories are as interesting as that picture I took with J. Worthington “Honest John” Foulfellow at Disneyland. [Buzzfeed]

MMA Gif Party: The Best Gifs Of 2011 - I can’t decide whether this list makes me like MMA more or less. Probably more. [Cage Potato]

The Most Awesome, And The Most Awesomely Bad, Metal Album Covers Of The Year - I can’t believe people still make metal albums. [FARK]

The Seven Best Steven Spielberg Movies - In order: Raiders, Empire of the Sun, Jaws, Jurassic Park, Schindler’s List, E.T., Always. Ha, just kidding on the last one. [Unreality]

Up next in the category of Bad Ass of the Year, Jaydin Goldenstein is a 16-year old three-sport star at Holyoke High School in Colorado. In a small-town school with 200 students, Goldenstein was already a god among boys, but just in case it wasn’t clear to the rest of his classmates, teammates and neighbors, he solidified that status in a baseball doubleheader against Wray High School.

Needing to win both games to win the Lower Platte League, Holyoke sent Goldenstein to the mound for Game 1 and he pitched a no-hitter, striking out 10 and walking 2. In the second game, Goldenstein switched to shortstop and hit four homeruns to complete the day’s sweep of Wray and win the league title. Oh, and he did all of this only two days after he sat by his mom’s bedside as she died from a stroke.

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I tried typing “Kate Upton Is On Us,” but my fingers broke. She’s figured out a way to get us talking about her every day, without ever really doing anything. I’d rather write about that pressurized glass than, say, Jeter. And so yeah, I guess as long as you’re in Sports Illustrated a couple of times you qualify as “sports,” so I can confidently cover things like Ms. Upton, Beyonce, or the Chicago White Sox.

Sports

Kate Upton is Good at Twitter - Well, she is. WWTDD has a gallery of examples, and they’re all almost as great as the one up there. This is way better than our “Paula Poundstone is Good At Twitter” slideshow, which was just pictures of neckties and a 50-year old comedienne who looks like The Mask. [WWTDD]

10 Tips From Sugar Shane Mosley About Getting Ready For A Fight - It’s an interesting list, if not a little obvious. Exercise! Get sleep! Practice punching! I’m guessing tip #11 is “wear a helmet the next time you fight Manny Pacquiao.” [Smoking Jacket]

PoV: Nike Basketball “Epic” x LeBron 8 P.S. - I’m not sure what those words mean, but this is some pretty cool Nike promotional material featuring Kobe Bryant, someone you won’t be seeing again until next season! Also, reminding you guys for the 40,000th time, you can’t give yourself a nickname, and Black Mamba is a lady. [Smoking Section]

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While I don’t think I even need to remind you, the Track Cycling World Cup took place over the weekend at the Manchester Velodrome in England, as international teams competed in what was one of the first true tests for track cycling before the 2012 Summer Olympics. But the highlight of the event came during the Keirin Final – whatever that was – as four cyclists crashed on the final bend of the race. One of those cyclists, Azizulhasni Awang of Malaysia, got back up and finished the race, earning a bronze medal. While it’s already an impressive enough feat to crash and recover to still win a medal, Awang’s finish had a bit more style. He had a 9-inch wooden splinter jammed through his leg.

And if that wasn’t cool enough, Awang’s bronze medal finish earned him the overall Track Cycling World Cup title. Early word is that he plans to compete in the London Olympics after sawing off his feet and lighting himself on fire. Meanwhile, I was raking the trap after a bunker shot on Saturday and I got a 2mm splinter in my hand. I still finished the back 9 without a problem, so I totally know how Azizulhasni feels. We’re the real heroes.

Video after the jump…

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A Detroit man has postponed his pacemaker surgery, originally scheduled for today, until next week because he wants to be able to watch the Michigan/Michigan State game this weekend. Major Hester, a 69-year old man suffering from a weak heart muscle, said that he’s willing to suffer the ultimate consequence of delaying life-or-death heart surgery just so he can watch the No. 17 Spartans and No. 18 Wolverines try to recapture the glory that once was Michigan football. Basically, dude’s either super nuts or totally metal.

Gee, ESPN, I hope he has an awesome quote to go along with his football ambition:

“You never know,” Hester told The Detroit News. “It’s like going into combat. You may come home alive or you may come home dead.”

Hester suffers from cardiomyopathy, a condition where the heart muscle is weakened. He says he’s willing to take the risk of putting off the surgery.

“Whatever happens, I want to see the game,” he said.

That’s a lot of pressure for the players to put on one hell of a game when people are willing to die to watch a solid rivalry. Not to be outdone, MSU coach Mark Dantonio plans to coach this game, only a few days removed from spending time in the hospital for a mild heart attack, followed by the discovery of a blood clot in his leg. Meanwhile, I got a paper cut while watching the UCF-UAB game last night and I almost needed a Band-Aid. See? We all make sacrifices for our teams.