"And look Sammy, the bird flies into the pigs!"

By now, you’ve surely seen the glory that is former MLB slugger Sammy Sosa’s Pinterest page, which was unveiled by Deadspin yesterday and quickly pinned on every blog and Tumblr across the Interwebs. If the year ended today and I was forced to throw together my Pulitzer-winning Biggest Sports Moments of the Year feature, there’d be little doubt that this would be No. 2 behind only this GIF of Oregon’s cheerleaders.

Of course, the year doesn’t end in January, because that would mean we’d miss my birthday and that would be a dick move, Father Time. It also means that we’d miss out on the rest of whatever whirlwind public relations tour that Sosa’s handlers are creating for him, as he of course is one of baseball’s steroid era’s biggest personalities and probably in need of a little baby kissing, what with that whole Hall of Fame eligibility thing.

But why, then, was his Pinterest page so hilariously awful? Why does every picture have the same caption on it, proclaiming this to be the real Sammy Sosa? Well, because his team isn’t all that great at social media.

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I think I speak for everyone when I say Nolan Ryan headlocking Robin Ventura and bashing him in the skull like a boss is the greatest moment in baseball history. Okay, maybe not the best, but the list goes “Jackie Robinson,” “Kirk Gibson’s gimpy home run,” then Nolan Ryan emasculating Ventura.

If you are on the Internet, you do not need me to tell you that Reddit is a place full of wonderful things, but today there is nothing more wonderful than said Nolan Ryan/Robin Ventura railroading as interpreted by the 1987 video game classic R.B.I. Baseball.

It’s two beautiful artistic endeavors brought together as one:

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I absolutely hate this new MLB wild card scenario. I think it’s utter hooey, and I’m sorry for being so vulgar. It’s important to remember, too, that I’m a classy and intelligent St. Louis Cardinals fan, and I still think this wild card play-in game is crap. Yes, the rule is the only reason that my underachieving team is even playing for a chance to be in the playoffs today, and I still hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT.

It’s simply not fair to the Atlanta Braves, Texas Rangers, and Baltimore Orioles. And don’t give me none of that “Well it wouldn’t have been fair for the Rangers or Orioles and their 93 wins either” because they still would have had a play-in game, and I’m damn grateful for the convenience of their matching records, because otherwise my argument would have sucked more than it probably already does. By midnight tonight, we’re going to have two upset fan bases, and the AL fans will really deserve to be pissed. The NL fans, perhaps not as much. Either way, Bud Selig will probably give himself another raise.

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She’s just here to cause trouble.

That’s the entire YouTube description for this clip of an overly-excited Texas Rangers fan with a spectacular haircut who tells DFW sports reporter Jim Knox about how it’s her mom’s birthday, and also that she’s HERE TO F**KIN’ CAUSE TROUBLE. Knox takes the f-bomb like a pro, going right into (and I’m paraphrasing, here) “she looks like trouble, now let’s take a few steps to my right and talk to somebody who isn’t gonna straighten out their faux-hawk and yell curse words into my microphone”. It’s Local Emmy worthy.

In a related note, hey lady, ‘sup. Call me.

[h/t to Deadspin]

I don’t want to bag on the Atlanta Braves, because I have a lot of friends who are #BARVES fans and I respect their fanfare. I also just don’t have a reason to dislike the Braves, especially since they were kind enough to lose an assload of games at the end of last season so the St. Louis Cardinals could make the playoffs and win the World Series.

But come on, champagne? For clinching a spot in the Wild Card play-in game? To clarify, I’m in the “There should only be champagne at the World Series” camp, so I think it’s silly when teams do it at every level on the MLB playoffs. Here’s my alternative suggestion – Smirnoff Ice for the Wild Card win, beer for the Divisional Series, Jager for the Championship Series, and then champagne for the World Series. Hell yeah, bros!

Now on to tonight’s incredibly boring sports action…

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I plan on being in a pile of vegetative worthless flesh on my couch by the time any of tonight’s sports action begins, but there’s plenty of good stuff on tonight so you won’t have to watch Big Bang Theory reruns. I’ll be focused on the St. Louis Cardinals game, as the classiest and most intelligent baseball franchise will be attempting to gain another game on the Milwaukee Brewers, who are scaring the ever-loving pee out of me right now.

WWE Monday Night Raw – 8 PM ET on USA

I’m leading off with the WWE Raw action for two reasons – 1) Because everyone should join Brandon for his world famous live discussion tonight, in order to point out anyone with a “Burnsy Loves Tacos” sign on Raw, and 2) Because I just saw this awesome picture that CM Punk recently Tweeted.

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