… or, “seven minutes in Texas”.

By way of my Facebook friendship with With Leather legend Josh Zerkle comes the story of a Texas family’s attempts to jump a small ramp on bikes that I can say without hyperbole is worth every second of its 6-minute, 58-seconds run-time.

Listing off the funniest parts of the video is like trying to explain the plot of Duck Soup. Hot Rod Lincoln and the Keystone Cowboy. Keystone Cowboy wearing a “reggalah oh oven mitt” because he couldn’t find his other glove. The fact that it’s “Daredevils take two“. “Aw lawd Hot Rod Lincoln”. Hot Rod lying on the ground hurt for like a minute and a half while his Mom taunts him, only to making lurid jacking-off motions to her. The dog who threatens to take a sh*t in the middle of the proceedings. Keystone Cowboy’s aborted backflip. Hot Rod only being able to communicate via WWE hand gestures. “Mawma LOOK Mawma LOOK Mawma LOOK”. “Speedy” being quiet the entire video and riding his bike over the ramp like it was nothing. At some point I expected Chico to wander onscreen in a Texas Longhorns shirt to make it even more absurd.

I probably live down the street from these guys.

[h/t to Chloe Alexander Reuland]

It looks like I’m going to have to turn “Texas football guys dying” into a daily feature. Yesterday, we shared the story of Prestonwood Christian School assistant football coach Wade McLain, who collapsed and died when he stood outside all day in one of the state’s 40-plus days of 100-degree-plus weather. Today’s story takes place amidst air conditioning but is no less brutal — the storied college sports rivalry between the University of Oklahoma and the University of Texas at Austin evolved from aggressive car decals to full-on knife fighting at a San Antonio Applebee’s. Applebee’s©, where stacking food on top of different foods constitutes a new menu item!

The report and video, courtesy of Alamo Graphics News:

An argument over college football escalated into a knife fight at a San Antonio Applebee’s that sent two men to the hospital.

Police said officers were called to a northwest Applebee’s restaurant just before midnight on Monday in regards to a fight that started as an argument between an Oklahoma Sooners fan and Texas Longhorns fan. The argument escalated, and the Oklahoma fan pulled a knife and attacked the Texas fan.

Both were taken to University Hospital, where the Texas fan was last reported in stable condition; the other man in critical condition.

State pride legislation permits me to point how how the Oklahoma fan is the one who pulled the knife and attacked, but is the one in critical condition. Oklahoma, ladies and gentlemen, the Poland of the central United States. I hope by “pulled a knife” they mean he picked up the steak knife he was using at the Applebee’s and tried to stab a guy. I wonder if he got Garlic Mash in his wounds.

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It’s too bad we don’t have a button you can click to tell me how you thought this was “win” (and possibly “old”), because this clip of University of Texas baseball head coach Augie Garrido flipping the hell out and explaining his team’s utter futility through extended, graphic metaphor is a definite LOLing, oh-my-godding win. Watch in amazement as he paints a canvas of curse words, somehow making it through without his heart exploding from his mouth like it was shot from a potato cannon.

The two major reactions I’ve read so far have been “haha what is wrong with this guy” and “this reminds me of [hateful person] who motivated me in the past.” Maybe I’m not the type with the testicular fortitude to make it in the world of college sports, but if this guy started screaming at me like this I’d consider doing something with my life that wouldn’t eventually turn me into a guy who gets so mad he turns the same color as his burnt sienna-ass t-shirt.

If you’d like to see more, check out this clip’s origin in Richard Linklater’s documentary Inning By Inning: A Portrait of a Coach, which also features Ethan Hawke telling Julie Delpy about how he F**KING BELIEVES IN F**KING REINCARNATION AND THE NOTION OF A F**KING ETERNAL SOUL YOU PIECE OF SH*T

[via Buzzfeed]

Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young is at the center of a NFL investigation today after his involvement in a physical altercation at a Dallas strip club early this morning. Young allegedly struck a fellow patron of the gentleman’s establishment after he flashed an upside-down Longhorns gesture at the former Texas star. For his efforts, Young was issued a Class C assault citation, which comes with a maximum fine of $500, and is comparable to a traffic citation. Of course, that’s the “Hey, you can’t turn on red here” variety, and not the “Look out! It’s Donte Stallworth!” kind.

A statement was already issued on behalf of the NFL this morning, and the league will be investigating this situation to determine whether or not any disciplinary measures will be necessary. In fact, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello announced the league’s intention this morning via Twitter, thus making the job of “NFL spokesman” as effortless as Luke McCown.

Give me an inverted, double-flipped, backwards DeVry gesture, USA Today:

The last thing Roger Goodell needed was another high-profile player involved in an incident in a strip club…

Still, with the way that Goodell has put the hammer down on any indiscretion, you have to believe that Young will get at least a lecture from the commish.

Young has yet to release a statement, but he was most likely just upset with all the confusion about which conference the Longhorns will be playing in come 2011. Meanwhile, he’s got Lendale White crashing on his couch and eating him out of house and home. And to top it all off Kerry Collins keeps following Vince everywhere, “icing” him – in the gym, the shower, the mall, his bedroom, and finally at a Dallas strip club – so Young was probably just under a lot of pressure.

While nobody was left with a life-threatening injury or paralysis, Adam “Pacman” Jones reached out to Young this morning to assure him that if he works hard and continues to put forth an effort of 110 percent, then maybe one day he, too, can be involved in a real strip club altercation.

Surveillance footage of the big, sloppy fight is available after the jump.

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Texas Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy proposed to his girlfriend Rachel Glandorf in Texas Stadium earlier this week. Deadspin had photos of the how he did it: he took her into the stadium at night and had the scoreboard operator flash a message on the JumboTron. I would have flashed something else. You know, like my wang. McCoy, seriously here, says his injured shoulder should be ready to go for the upcoming NFL scouting combine in Indianapolis. He’s currently considered optimistically a low first-day pick. Rachel could have done so much better.

The Texas Longhorns now have the highest paid college football coach in all the land. Football coach Mack Brown just agreed to a raise on his current deal that will see him earn at least $5 million annually. That’s a lotta dimp.

Brown was scheduled to receive a one-time $2 million payment early next year. University system regents agreed to make that an annual payment for the rest of his contract, which runs through 2016.

The length of the contract has not changed. Brown also will continue to receive an annual $100,000 raise already in his contract. He’ll also get a $450,000 bonus if Texas (13-0) beats Alabama (13-0) on Jan. 7 in Pasadena, Calif. –FOXSports.com

ESPN reports that Texas football brings in over $80 million in revenue, over $20 million more than the next most lucrative FBS program. And honestly, if any football coach should be earning that kind of money, it should be a successful D-I coach in the state of Texas, where football rules everything. And a guy playing for his second national title in six years. Those aren’t job requirements that one can simply enumerate on CareerBuilder. People might be upset about the titanic sum of cash, but Texas wouldn’t be dishing that out if they weren’t happy with the return on their investment.