You know you’re in dangerous territory when the mascot starts facepalming.

Another Independence Day has come and gone, and with it must come and go our contractually obligated coverage of the Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest. Joey Chestnut took home his sixth consecutive championship and $10,000 for an effort that saw him eat nearly seven hot dogs per minute for ten minutes. It’s the kind of performance that makes you swell with pride or vomit, or possibly both.

The 28-year-old San Jose, California, man nicknamed “Jaws” scarfed down 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes in the sweltering summer heat to take home $10,000 and the mustard yellow belt. He bested his main rival by 16 dogs.

“I feel good, it was a great win,” Chestnut said after the contest, adding he wished he could have eaten a record number of hot dogs for the audience. “I tried my best. I’m looking forward to next year already.” (via Associated Press)

Full video of the contest is below, if you had to go to a wedding or your DVR went on the fritz or something and you couldn’t watch it. Also included is the facepalm-worthy clip of New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg rattling off every single hot dog pun known to man, causing even an anthropomorphic hot dog to be embarrassed for him. Choice quote: “Who wrote this shit?”

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Here we see the latest in Austin, Texas’ quest to lose all of its cool points — shifty rape jokes on its local bar marquees. This pic comes to us via the Twitter of area improv comic/copywriter/friend of mine Reagan Ward, and I’m proud to say she told people about it immediately instead of waiting for someone to find out. Cough.

The Ranch is advertised as the “best bar in Austin, Texas for nightlife, bottle service and a general good time”, and I’m pretty sure their idea of “a general good time” and mine conflict. To their credit, heavy drinking is really the only way to process the Jerry Sandusky thing. To their discredit, they are offering a drink special with a child molestation theme. Why not just advertise it as “Anal Grape” and go the full nine?

The next time you’re in Austin, drink anywhere but The Ranch.

Actually, I give Sports Illustrated a lot of credit for going with that terrible pun on their cover, because I assume that it was meant tongue-in-cheek. After all, Sports Illustrated has featured New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin on its cover something like 63 times in the last 9 days, so it’s cute that SI can make fun of itself and the rest of the national media for relentlessly blowing this kid while so many other interesting stories have been overlooked. I mean, did they even see the Kate Upton Carl’s Jr. commercial?

But since baseball season is creeping up on us, and it’s my favorite time of the year, I thought I could help SI out with some future headlines in case they decide to reflect on the Miami Marlins’ season and the excitement surrounding their big additions of Jose Reyes, Carlos Zambrano and Mark Buerhle.

MARLINJURIES: Jose Reyes hits the DL because he’s Jose Reyes.
MARLINCARCERATION: Carlos Zambrano facing murder charges after Mike Stanton homers off of him in batting practice.
MARLIN THE RED: Front office stress builds as attendance dips below 6 people.
MARLINSOLVENT: Jeff Loria busted paying players with checks printed on Saltines.
MARLINDICTED: Ozzie Guillen finally brought down after chewing Jeff Loria’s spine from out of his rectum.

See? They practically write themselves.