Canada (or #canada, if you’re on the Internet) has had it rough lately. The NHL lockout is nowhere in sight. The NHLPA is considering decertification. Canada needs hockey. They can’t play anything else. Look at Toronto’s mayor, he can’t take a snap without tripping and falling flat on his face. Now he’s getting kicked out of office. See how that works?

Canada’s next best option is to put all of their apples into the Toronto Raptors’ basket. They can find succor in the loving tweets of Raptors star player Amir Johnson, who did his best to appease the country’s sports-starved masses by doing the most Canadian thing ever:

The only way that could’ve been more Canadian is if he’d played late night hoops with Bonhomme. And by the way, THIS is how sad the hockey situation is. We’re doing posts about Amir Johnson Instagram updates instead of Paulina Gretzky. She’s off somewhere aimlessly taking pictures of dogs.

Anyway, because no Justin Bieber-related post can be complete without somebody who likes Justin Bieber getting SUPER PISSED about anyone else liking Justin Bieber, here’s the harmless celebrity photo’s immediate Instagram response:

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I don’t know what it is about fame that makes people think they can be musicians. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian made sex tapes to become famous, and then to maintain their celebrity statuses they decided to become pop singers. Plenty of actors have done it – Keanu Reeves, Gary Sinise, Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, to name a few – and God knows there are quite a few athletes who think they’re regular Scott Stapps. I’m no Darren Rovell, but I’m willing to guess that 99% of them have failed.

But for some mind-bending, unknown reason, becoming a music star has always been a favorite hobby of professional wrestlers and every single one of them that has tried it has been terrible. Sure, that’s personal opinion, but I’d love to know who I’m overlooking. In the meantime, I’m sure that I’ve overlooked plenty of the most terrible singing wrestlers, but I could only handle 15 videos in the YouTube wormhole before I was screaming in agony.

Witness the horror for yourselves and feel free to add your least favorite songs in the comments.

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By way of Sportress Of Blogitude comes this hilarious/cautionary clip of a young boy asked to participate in Hot Chelle Rae’s 2012 Pro Bowl performance, trying desperately to heed the Myth of Icarus and not fly too close to the musical sun.

Watch closely and see if you can blame him for doing what any of us would’ve done:

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To their credit, that’s mostly just “ugh, look at this asshole”. Via Mentality Magazine.

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Links

30 One-Hit Wonders Who Deserve Their Own TV Shows - 31. “Shave Tonight”. Eagle Eye Cherry gives you tips on how to prepare for that ever-important first date, because tomorrow you’ll be gone. [UPROXX]

Ranking the 10 Most Profoundly Stupid Characters Currently on Television - There should be a follow-up list of the most profoundly stupid characters EVER so Kim Bauer could rank. OH NO A COUGAR LET ME RUN TO THIS HERMIT RAPIST’S HOUSE AND CHANGE CLOTHES. [Warming Glow]

RIAA-Ruined Rap: The 20 Worst Platinum Hip-Hop Albums Of All Time - LOL at Chingy having a platinum album. And while I’m at it, there’s no way Vanilla Ice’s album is worse than Willennium. [Smoking Section]

Five Reasons the XBox 720 Should Embrace Used Games - The only way I’m buying an XBox 720 is if I can ride it through a skatepark. [Gamma Squad]

What to Expect When You’re Expecting is Dr. Pepper 10 for Chicks - And if you drink Dr. Pepper 10 while watching What To Expect When You’re Expecting it turns you into a hermaphrodite. [Film Drunk]

If The Posters For Oscar-Nominated Movies Were Honest - I flipped through this WAITING for the making-fun-of-Hugo poster that would make me rage and quit the UPROXX network. Thankfully it didn’t show up. [UPROXX]

Life Has Turned Out OK For Zahia Dehar - If you missed this yesterday, UNF. Also, sorta ew. [With Leather]

The 53 Most Ridiculous Outfits From Paris Fashion Week - Or, “every outfit from Paris Fashion Week”. The only thing worse than people who are into fashion is people who are into music reviews. [Buzzfeed]

17 Cats Sitting In Things - I feel like if you add up all the random numbers from these lists it’d unlock the hatch on ‘Lost’. 17? I’m sure you can find 3 more things a cat is sitting in. [HuffPost Comedy]

11 Signs That Pat Sajak Is Always Drunk - The guy’s job has been saying “heh, continue playing the easiest game show in history, everybody” for like 40 years. I’d be drunk all the time, too. [The FW]

Eating Only Chicken Nuggets for 15 Years Lands British Girl in the Hospital - The worst part is that she’s got a bunch of posed photos with McDonald’s stuff, and nobody ever stopped to tell her she was being a weird spoiled little regressive creep. [Brobible]

7 Great Movies That Take Place in Freezing Weather - I don’t know when Mystery, Alaska started being great and not just a 2 hour illustration of how the New York Rangers would almost lose to a bunch of random citizens. [Unreality]

In this promotional clip for Ultimate Fighting Championship’s broadcast television debut on Saturday, November 12, teen pop singer turned inspirational Christian actress turned alt-country wife turned Disney princess Mandy Moore offers her opinion on who she thinks will win the heavyweight title bout between Cain Velasquez and Junior Dos Santos. At no point was Willa Ford interviewed about Bellator 57. Hold on, I can get more obscure than that. At no point was Samantha Mumba interviewed about EliteXC. What does Skye Sweetnam think of the fight going on in my parking lot?

Anyway, Mandy’s right about what’s going to happen in the fight, but she’s got this thing where she’s incapable of expressing sincere emotion and just furrows her brow and points up her eyebrows to make it look like she means what she’s saying. She’s making UFC predictions with the same face she uses to tell her badboy teenage boyfriend she’s about to die (in the next five minutes) from a fatal disease. I guess that’s how she ended up dating Zach Braff for as long as she did.

Dana White should convince her to throw on a cocktail dress and pop-and-lock her way through the UFC On Fox theme, Faith Hill style.

[via UFC on Facebook]

“HeeeeeeEEy.”

“HeeeEEEeeey.”

For some reason I’d convinced myself that the Buffalo Bills remix of ‘Kokomo’ was going to be the worst and most forced fan anthem of the year, but I severely underestimated the ability of Texas baseball fans to sit in their garage and sing into a beer bottle without any music, rhythm or reason. It’s not like Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” is a great song by any stretch of the imagination, but this lady’s hypnotically depressing version makes the original sound like the f**king Symphony No. 3 In E Flat Major. I looked in the YouTube description for some sort of context, or maybe a clue that this was all a big joke.

Mr Fister…. Bhhaahhhhahahhh

The best part is either the way they leave in some parts of the original (“radio, stereo”) despite it not vibing with the rest of the lyrics so they’ll have something to rhyme, or the way the song kinda devolves into misogyny for no reason (“you throw just like a girl, y’know”). I bet Mr. Fister is pretty happy he doesn’t sing like a girl, at least.

Be sure to watch this video now and save it somewhere, because when these people wake up at 3 PM this afternoon they’re going to remember that beer and laptops don’t mix, and take it down.

[h/t Outside The Box Score]