No, seriously, meet FLiZ. MEET IT.

Ever wish you could do less riding and more running on your daily bicycle commute? Neither have we. But that seems to be the idea behind the German-designed FLIZ, a new concept velocipede that nixes the pedaling and suspends its rider runner from a harness. (via The Atlantic)

If you haven’t said “haha what the shit it is” out-loud yet, let me help you by asking you to remember that episode of ‘South Park’ where Mr. Garrison creates a giant wheel you drive by fellating a knob and letting it f**k you in the ass for a quick compare/contrast.

I guess the basic idea was to create a scooter apparatus to take your body weight out of the running motion. That’d be easier on your knees and maybe allow you to run farther and faster without getting tired. The rub here is that to scooter-run you’d have to remove the scooter from your feet area, and also apparently crush your ribcage in the process. The best part is that the guy isn’t wearing a helmet. If that thing hit a rock and flipped you over, it’s pretty much designed to DDT you to death.

Ugh, look at the still photos of this thing. It looks like the Cloverfield monster:

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In America’s latest attempt to turn sports into Diddy Kong Racing, here’s the sixth annual “Extreme Race Day”, a Minnesota area event featuring ostrich heats, racing camels, helium-enhanced horse races and more. Please note that we’ve had six of them. We may have finally topped Backflips And Beatdowns, everybody. Congratulations.

The following clips come to us from Awful Announcing, and if you’re wondering why they’d be the ones covering Extreme Race Day, here’s a sample of the hyper-literate banter accompanying a bunch of dudes falling off ostriches:

“These birds are crazy, look out, one might fly in the crowd, start peckin!”

At different points in the video the ostriches are said to have “devilish eyes” and are called “two legged terrorists”, leading me to believe that nobody in Minnesota has ever seen a f**king ostrich and thinks they’re some kind of ancient dragon. They’re ostriches, guys. If you don’t cram them into a starting gate and make someone sit on them they probably won’t try to kill anybody.

Anyway, I’ve kept you away from Extreme Race Day highlights long enough. Check them out below.

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As the Florida Miami Marlins prepare to open their new stadium and begin their new season in their new uniforms with their new shortstop who will hopefully hit a bunch of home runs to light up their new home run fish statue/shrine, it was only fitting that the team would add some new flair and style to the stadium as well. But it was a little alarming when a new Marlins song, “We are the Marlins”, was making the web rounds yesterday under the guise that it would be the new Miami theme song for celebration.

And we were all like, “Oh hell no.”

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Michael Jordan has a fragrance. David Beckham has one, too. Even Maria Sharapova offers ladies the chance to smell like her. But the New York Yankees are bigger than just one person, which is why they’ve become the first team to develop and market its own fragrance, so male and female fans everywhere can smell like a combination of Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez.

I call it “Erotic Centaur Musk.”

Ads bearing classic black-and-white shot-on-film photography and the slogan “Past, Present, Forever,” will show up everywhere from one entire side of the No. 4 train that goes to Yankee Stadium to a bullpen sign and a “Fragrance Day” event inside the ballpark. There will also be billboards in the metro area, and national magazine, newspaper and internet ads in a seven-figure campaign created in-house and aided by Media Kitchen, Carrot Creative and PR shop DKC.

What does New York Yankees cologne smell like? “We hope it reflects the smell of success, not to sound too cheesy,” said Duncan Bird, a veteran of Grey Global Group, BBDO, Anomaly andBBH who’s now creative director of the Cloudbreak Group, marketer of the Bronx Bomber scent. “It’s not too challenging. It’s a very refreshing smell.” (Via Ad Age)

The release of “Yankee Stink” (Boston fans can have that one for free) will coincide with the start of the 2012 season, and apparently Yankees fans have been quite receptive of the concept. Then again, they also surveyed fans about this back in February when the team still had A.J. Burnett, so I assume fans were just excited to have something hard to throw at him.

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I read through a lot of gossip sites and strange, random fan blogs each week, not because I want to actually know anything about the personal lives of fame-starved reality trolls, but because we like to make fun of really stupid stuff that people do. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go much further than NFL.com for this week’s most asinine celebrity idea, and of course it involves our favorite Man of Every Hour, Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow.

There’s no doubt that Tebow’s stock is higher than ever after the Broncos’ win over the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday – even the mayor of Pittsburgh is Tebowing – and he has already been dealing with rumors that he may have been responsible for skier Lindsey Vonn’s recent divorce. So apparently that was enough for NFL.com to ask: “Hey, what if Tebow knocked up a bunch of married women? What would those little hell-bound, soulless bastards look like?”

And thanks to the site MorphThings.com, the fine folks at NFL.com got their answers. Their incredibly weird-looking, borderline creepy answers.

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In case you missed it during that weird period when a video goes viral and the person who made it gets butthurt and takes it down, then realizes it is their only shot at ironic fame and puts it back up so they can get on Tosh, please enjoy this video of University of Alabama Panhellenic Association Board combining their awful white teen girl powers to form some Godless approximation of musical Voltron. In layman’s terms, white girls are stealing from every culture imaginable, be it Greek to African-American to Internet, and they feel totally amazing doing it. Vince Mancini and Josh Zerkle gave the track (cough) a listen on the latest Frotcast, and it is my job to sorta shuffle it over here. Every day I’m shuffling.

Highlights include a namedrop of football coach Nick Saban, a big “ta-da” finish inside Bryant–Denny Stadium and a Rebecca Black remix, because that’s something people still think is funny. Who am I kidding, the only highlight is that you’re watching this and not one of the people in it.

From the Daily Mail:

The school’s media relations director, Cathy Andreen, told The Huffington Post: ‘It was supposed to just be to welcome the girls who were going out for Greek rush.’

Ashley Getwan, president of the Panhellenic Association at the university, said: ‘We didn’t realize it would get so much publicity… Any publicity is good publicity, we hope.’

CBS42.com reported that the school’s rush week has seen a record number of would-be pledges, with more than 1,700 and counting.

Counterpoint:

One YouTube commenter wrote: ‘This is f**king embarrassing. I love this school, but this is why people can’t stand these sh*theads.’

I’m going to throw in with the second guy.