It looks like tennis star Maria Sharapova [you know, as opposed to Wichita Federal Credit Union middle manager Maria Sharapova] finally has settled on a man. Cue the obligatory “That’s too bad, really, because I totally had a shot with her.”

Now comes word that [Lakers] struggling backup guard Sasha Vujacic and tennis star Maria Sharapova might be dating after the two were seen cuddling at a recent U2 concert.

And now the LA Times begins a cititation spree that may or may not force to lose control of bowels and leave you huddled in the corner crying for Mama.

In a recent posting, the website SportsByBrooks reported that CNBC reporter Darren Rovell revealed on Twitter the possibility of this power union earlier today. That was followed a few hours later by Matt Cronin of tennisreporters.net tweeting that it was indeed true.

But Tommy said that Heather said that Brandon said that they were just friends! Oh, who to believe; I’m sure he’s pounding that sweet, tender Vujacic all the same. It’s a good time to be a basketball player that nobody outside of LA has ever heard of. It’s also a good time to be a porpoise. I just think they’re nifty animals.

Former tennis great Andre Aggasi has released a new book called “Open: An Autobiography,” wherein he reveals that he was using crystal meth in 1997–the same year that he married actress Brooke Shields.

[A] publicist for Random House confirmed the news. “Those excerpts contain revelations about Andre’s use of crystal meth when he was a tennis player,” said Paul Bogaards, director of media relations at Knopf, a division of Random House. Agassi used in 1997. –Huffpo.

Help me out here: is crystal meth like a high-end version of regular meth? Is there such a thing as diamond meth? Platinum meth? Sorry, I know nothing about recreational drug use. But I did steal some of these little blue pills from my dad’s medicine cabinet. A few of these should give me time to forget about being such a fat, sadistic loner.

Here’s a guy on a home-shopping-type show trying to espouse the benefits of owning a Nintendo Wii. What benefits, you ask? Oh, like smashing the front of your flat-screen TV. No, it wasn’t supposed to do that! Whatever, ya big dumb cracker. And if this doesn’t give away where I found this vid, then I can’t help you. Why yes, it was Hot Clicks. Lucky guess.

I don’t know which part of the video is more ridiculous, the fact that Serena Williams might have a white aunt or that people really believe that she actually menstrates. Here’s that Tampax commercial that’s already made the rounds with Serena “outsmarting Mother Nature.” You can see that Mama’s holding a big red gift in her hands. See kids, that represents her monthly period. And then I honestly don’t know what happens to a woman after the period. I think she just goes outside and spends a bunch of money. via. Thanks, Matt.

I swear to God this is my last tennis post of the day, but it’s a good one. It’s the pride of Switzerland [Heyyy --Ed.] Roger Federer chasing down a ball and returning it cross-court. Through his legs, with his back to the court. It’s really not that amazing when you realize that he shaves his ass the same way. He’ll play Juan Martin Del Potro in the final, who beat Rafael Nadal in the semis. I guess that ends the debate about who the world’s No. 1 is on the men’s zzzzzz. Ah, tennis. via.

There’s something to be said for losing in a dignified way, or at least being undignified in a totally awesome way. But I found Serena Williams’ berating of a courtside official Saturday to be neither of those. Neither did the people that ran the US Open, who fined Williams $10,000 for her outburst in that Kim Clijsters match and opened an investigation that could result in all of her winnings being lost.

“The average individual would look at that and say, ‘A $10,000 fine for what she did? What are you guys, crazy?’ The answer is: the process isn’t over,” tournament director Jim Curley said in an interview with The Associated Press.

Bill Babcock, the top administrator for Grand Slam tournaments, will review what happened Saturday night, when Williams yelled at a linesperson who called a foot fault with the defending champion two points away from losing to Kim Clijsters in the semifinals.

If Babcock determines Williams committed a “major offense,” the rules allow for a fine as high as all of a player’s prize money from the tournament — and a suspension, although Curley did not mention that as a possibility. via.

The word is that Willams turned her ire toward an official that called her for a foot fault and yelled:

“I swear to God I feel like taking this ball and shoving it down your fucking throat.” via.

No excuse can justify that. Serena should have been fined for threatening, whether she was playing in women’s singles or playing linebacker for the Jets. Just admit that you screwed up and move on, girl. Just because you let some white girl kick your ass doesn’t mean you have to take it out on the Asians.