Southern Cal has filled their football coaching vacancy. With Lane Kiffin. And the indignation coming out of the Volunteer State is eclipsed only by the desperation of what I thought was the best job in college football. Between the weather, the Pac-10 scheduling, and smatterings of California coeds, no program could sell itself as effortlessly as Southern California football.

Kiffin continues to fail upwards like some sort of entertainment executive at NBC, and doing so in a way that makes landing the top job in Los Angeles almost appropriate. With USC waiting under the NCAA’s hammer, it seems that a guy that spent his one year of experience in FBS racking up minor violations wouldn’t be their guy.

And that’s just the thing. Nobody wanted that job. Jeff Fisher? No thanks. Steve Marriucci? Rolled to voicemail. Hell, Jack Del Rio decided to stayin Jacksonville. Whatever the hell was going on in LA, everyone’s aversion to the job says a lot about the state of that program, and probably gives a clue to why Pete Carroll was so eager to get the hell out of there in the first place.

Tennessee defensive back Eric Berry has a solid piece of viral Heisman Trophy marketing in his corner, and he’ll need it if he wants to be only the second defensive player ever to win college football’s equivalent to “Miss America.” [Can you name the first? Answer's after the jump] It’s a spoof on those credit report commercials that some of you probably find annoying. As you can see from the end of this spot, you’re not alone. Thanks, Wayland.

We mentioned on Monday that Pat Summitt’s Tennessee Vols lost to Ball State in first-round action of the NCAA women’s tournament over the weekend. But when you’re a living legend in Knoxville, your season doesn’t end until you’re damned good and ready. And so, with no game to play for another six months, Coach Summitt ran her team back onto the practice floor. And the hilarious thing is that Summitt’s still gonna get more press than the other teams that are actually still playing for the title. Oh, Pat. Don’t you ever change.

Arian Foster, the Tennessee running back poised to become the Volunteers’ all-time leading rusher, has been troubled by a fumbling problem, talented backups cutting into his playing time, and the Vols’ general suckitude.  So he’s taken the approach of not speaking to reporters.  Unless they speak Pteradactyl, that is.

The Tennessee starting tailback… was requested for media interviews. He had a demand: whoever interviewed him had to speak Pterodactyl, some made-up dinosaur language. No interview was conducted.

It was kind of funny and it fit Foster’s quirky personality. But… 10 yards away, Coach Phillip Fulmer was addressing reporters about his quarterback crisis… It was a national story about an offense looking for leadership. It could determine the fate of Tennessee’s season and Fulmer’s legacy.

“Veeeeek! Veeeeek! Veeeeek!” Foster shrieked.

Yes.  This is precisely the kind of crazy we need from our athletes.  I’m tired of all the Jesus freaks and “I need the ball more” guys and clinical depression cases getting all the attention for being crazy.  I’m not sure how we can get more athletes to act like this, but I’d guess that naming a black guy “Arian” is probably a good start.

[The Sporting Blog]

Tennessee coach Pat Summitt — the winningest coach in women’s basketball history — underwent surgery because she done tussled with one a them thar raccoons.

Summitt had offseason shoulder surgery, not for a sports injury but because of a tussle with a raccoon.

The winningest basketball coach in NCAA history had problems with her right shoulder after dislocating it while chasing a raccoon poised to attack her Labrador.

Let’s not give the raccoon too much credit here.  Chasing a raccoon away is about as strenuous a task as looking for the remote control.  But don’t ask her to do that, either.  You’re just going to find her sprawled out on the floor with a broken hip, with the remote somehow jammed into her chest like a wooden stake.  Again.

[Sports by Brooks and Deadspin]

NCAA Football — #18 Tennessee began its season on the road at UCLA, and left 0-1 after losing 27-24 in overtime.  Bruins quarterback Kevin Craft threw four interceptions in the first half alone, but rallied the team in the second half by not throwing more interceptions… After a thrilling 0-0 first half, Fresno State beat Rutgers 24-7 in New Jersey.  The Bulldogs were comfortable because Fresno is the New Jersey of California.

MLB — Cliff Lee handcuffed the White Sox in a five-hit shutout that improved his record to 20-2, becoming the Indians’ first twenty-game winner in Gaylord Perry 34 years ago.  Hee hee, Gaylord! … Arizona’s Stephen Drew and the Mariners’ Adrian Beltre both hit for the cycle last night, a statistical anomaly that hadn’t happened since Woodrow Wilson was president.  Great job on World War I, jerk… Greg Maddux picked up career win number 345, tying him for 8th with Roger Clemens on the “steroid-inclusive” list.

Beach Volleyball — One match removed from their gold medal run in the Olympics, Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh had their year-long 112-match winning streak snapped.  Don’t worry, ladies.  You still have each other.  (Maaaaaaaaaaaaake ouuuuuuuuuut.)