Back in June, adult actress Devon James jumped in on Adultererpalooza when she claimed to not only have had an affair with Tiger Woods, but that she made a sex tape with the embattled golfer and that he was also the father of her 9-year old son. Since then, a Florida judge told James to take a hike after she failed to show for a paternity case to prove her claims, and now a Philadelphia boxer is telling people that James and her husband hired him to film a sex tape with her because he looks like Tiger. Dude, happens to me all the time with Brad Pitt.

Teneal Goyco claims that Devon and Nick James asked him to film a sex scene with her for $10,000 because she had a fantasy involving Tiger, so Goyco said, “Sure I will have sex for $10,000” because he’s a man with an operative brain. But Devon is denying this claim, as she says Nick would never let her film a sex scene with another man. At least he has morals.

Tell us where the bad people touched you, Courier Mail:

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Tiny Davidson College trounced the mighty Wisconsin Badgers 73-56 to advance to the Midwest Regional final of the NCAA Tournament and thoroughly spoil my weekend. Instead of repeating "serenity now" in stressful situations, my new mantra will be "Big Ten teams do not cover" because, well, they can't even fucking win. I'm sorry, this isn't about me or how much money I wagered on this game, it's about the little school that could and their star player:

On the red trim at the bottom of his shoes, Stephen Curry has written in black marker, “I can do all things.” 

Where the hell did this guy go to camp? We just had to sew our names in our clothes at summer camp, but I like the way Curry thinks. Forget the Big Ten maxim, I'm going to begin reciting "I can do all things" on my way through life and let a judge decide if I've gone too far.

Oh yeah, Michigan State lost to Memphis 92-74:

“It just got out of hand so quickly,” Spartans coach Tom Izzo said.

Oooh, that's a good aphorism, too. I can use that on the witness stand. -KD 

Photo credit: Getty Images 

The Wisconsin Badgers travel to the well-lit Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome today to take on the mighty Minnesota Golden Gophers to renew the oldest and most-played rivalry in Division I-A football.  Of course they will play for Paul Bunyan's Ax because these states have nothing redeeming and are forced to compete for imaginary implements.  They used to play for a slab of bacon, but that part of the country is much more health conscious now. If you thought they were just a region of worthless fat fucks, you were wrong.  And the girls – top notch. Why don't they have any other Tall Tale college football trophies? Who wouldn't love to see a game for John Henry's hammer, Sally Hemmings' enchanted petticoat, or Joseph Smith's magic golden tablets? In other Big Ten Trophy action today:

• The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk: Northwestern vs. Illinois – The Fightin' Illini appear to be in line for the win and also appear to enjoy pissing off Indians.
• The Old Oaken Bucket: Purdue vs. Indiana – Interestingly, this  bucket is not referred to as "old" in the state of Indiana. This simple pail represents the height of technological advancement to the Boilermakers and Hoosiers.
• The Land Grant Trophy: Penn State vs. Michigan State – lame.

Oh yeah, Ohio State is playing Michigan for the trophy they compete for nearly every year – the Big Ten Championship trophy. -KD

After Michigan's come from behind win against its intra-state rival last week, Wolverine running back Mike Hart had this to say:

Well, the clock in Madison reads zero now Mr. Hart, and your team was just beaten by the Wisconsin Badgers 37-21.  The Wolverines still have a chance to win the Big Ten title though if they can beat Ohio State next week.  Yes, that's right – a squad that lost to Appalachian St. can win a "major" conference.  Anyway, why don't Michigan and Wisconsin play for a trophy?  They could for the Upper Peninsula (of Michigan).  The loser would have to take ownership of that desolate region of inbreds.  Speaking of the UP and teams sinking like ships, please observe a moment of silence for the 29 souls who descended to the depths of Lake Superior 32 years ago today. -KD

Remember last week when I telegrammed Norman, OK and Austin, TX to remind their football squads that they were in the Big 12 and not in the Big Ten, and thus were not allowed to lose to just any team.  I received many emails regarding the humor of that line that read something like "Good one, KD" or "You're funny for a Dutch-Irishman" (Note: No complimentary emails were actually received).  That wasn't a joke sexy readers, as the final tallies of the Middle West's 11-team conglomeration of fecal matter attests. 

First, Illinois defeated #5 Wisconsin.  And you thought you buried Chief Illiniwek at Wounded Knee.  Well you were wrong.  Really wrong.  And by 'you', I mean 'me'.  And by 'really wrong', I mean 'the Badgers will cover'.  Then lowly Northwestern bested mighty Michigan State.  Perhaps East Lansing's athletic squads should shed the Spartan nickname and adopt the name of that other tribe of Greeks that pussed out in The 300 – the Achaeans, I think?  Can #23 Purdue upset #4 Ohio State?  My pocketbook is strangely quiet on the subject. -KD 

Well, not really, but at least they have some great hits once in a while.  My head this morning feels a little like Kyle Jefferson's felt after this collision:

Wisconsin ended up defeating the warriors of Leonidas 37-34.  It's comforting to see a ranked team beat an unranked opponent, especially when 7 squads failed to do so yesterday.  Time to liquidate the baseball card collection – act now for reduced rates on Jack McDowell rookie cards. -KD 

{Andy's Blog}