Here’s Lithuania’s Danielius Nomanovas taking a slapshot against Great Britain in Wednesday’s round robin portion of the Under-18 World Championship. The only problem is that … uh, he wasn’t actually slap-shooting anything, threw his stick at the referee and totally brained him. Walk it off, referee! (via TBL)

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Links

Meme Watch: ‘Attractive Convict’ Will Drive Away…With Your Heart |UPROXX|

Louis C.K. And Big Daddy Drew Magary On Howard Stern’s Show |Warming Glow|

From Homoerotic Softcore To Kids’ Movies, the Strange Filmography of David DeCoteau |Film Drunk|

Suddenly, I Need To Renew My FHM Subscription |With Leather|

Oh God, Hopefully Nobody In Hollywood Sees This Fan-Made Gritty Take On ‘Calvin And Hobbes’ |Gamma Squad|

Where The Hell Is… Craig Mack? |Smoking Section|

Presenting A Hilariously Sad Defense Of Tony Romo |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Yesterday, we pondered aloud whether or not Los Angeles high school student Jake Davidson deserved to be taken seriously with his creative prom invitation to our beloved Kate Upton, and it appears that we came through for Jake, because she has responded to him.

The two-time Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model Tweeted at Jake last night, telling him to call her Katie, which is just complete BS because we just try and try and try and try and all we get is “Please refer to her as the plaintiff”. So is she going to make Jake the coolest wealthy teenager among all of his wealthy classmates?

The answer is an incredible, resounding – probably not. UPDATE: Jesus, either Kate is incredibly sweet or she’s going to go through with this.

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That's actually how I picture Dax Sheppard any time I hear his name.

The Teen Choice Awards took place last night in the fourth level of hell Los Angeles, and once again the big winners were the PR and marketing teams of Hollywood film and TV studios that busted their asses the hardest to make sure that people teenagers have never heard of inexplicably won awards. For instance, Zoe Saldana won Choice Movie Actress: Action for Colombiana, a film that .000000001% of teenagers actually saw. However, she won because she showed up, unlike Jennifer Lawrence, who would have won, because every teenage girl on Earth would have voted for her for The Hunger Games.

But that’s a different story for a different site. Instead, let’s pay tribute to those trendy teens and their sports heroes, as they once again voted to select the most relevant athletes of the day. The 2012 Teen Choice Award for Choice Male Athlete is David Beckham, while Choice Female Athlete is Serena Williams. Well, I am absolutely OUTRAG… actually, that’s not terrible. Beckham just re-upped with the reigning MLS Champions (I’d still have expected LeBron James to win), while Williams won both the singles and doubles titles at Wimbledon. So if teens indeed voted for them, I’m relieved. Of course, neither Beckham nor Williams showed up and Shaun White was the only actual athlete in attendance, but I guess it’s progress.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the future of this planet and our youth as a whole. Join me for a mini-rant after the jump, will you?

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This is a picture of Washington Nationals rookie Bryce Harper with UFC ring girl/Playboy playmate Brittany Palmer.

Compare and contrast that to the following video by YouTube’s Mallory Moreno entitled, ‘If Bryce Harper Was My Boyfriend’, a Justin Bieber parody song about how awesome of a girlfriend she’d be filmed longways on a Flip with about five minutes notice. Sample lyrics:

I got stats in my hands that i’d really like to show
show show to you
chillin at the ballpark while the sky’s blue
you don’t know about me but i know about you
so say hello to the bigggest fan of three four, swag

Long story short, this is the difference between Girls Who Like Bryce Harper, and Girls Bryce Harper likes:

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Thanks to an endorsement from Justin Bieber and a catchy hook straight out of Disney Channel primetime, ‘Canadian Idol’ third place finalist Carly Rae Jepsen has the “song of the summer” with Call Me Maybe. At the time of this posting, the video (featuring Carly being in love with her emo fitness model neighbor until he stops doing chores and tries to surprise buttsex a guy in her band) has almost 64 million views. And because in 2012 “you being famous” means “everyone who likes you also has to be famous”, YouTube has gotten clogged with at least 128 million Call Me Maybe covers and parodies.

This one comes to us from Zack Murray of North Andover, Massachusetts, a well-meaning kid with rosy cheeks and New England Patriots curtains. His version — “Call Me Brady”, about Pats QB Tom Brady and sadly neither Greg or Peter — is full of number identification and concerned eyebrows, but it’s just earnest (and thorough) enough to work. It’s one of those things you find that’s bound to go viral. And hey, bad signing or not it sounds like Steve f**king Wonder compared to the Texas Rangers Train people.

Maybe Bieber will give him a record contract, put him in videos with racially-indeterminate teen girls and market him to those 12-to-38-year-olds who can’t get enough of Ron Weasley.

[via Beantown Banter]

19-year old Washington Nationals rookie sensation Bryce Harper hit his first Major League home run during the third inning of Monday’s 8-5 win over the San Diego Padres. This brings him even with three-time MVP Albert Pujols on the season and puts him only 761 behind all-time leader Barry Bonds. It was a moment of celebration, especially for Washington-area sports writers who could not write “Bryce Harper hit a home run” in less than six paragraphs.

Harper’s opinion of his first home run ball is, to date, my very favorite:

After the game, the ball was sitting in his locker with “1st ML HR” written on it in ballpoint pen. The keepsake was going to get a place alongside his first home run ever — at around age 7 — and other mementos. He had a hard time remembering other saved items.

“I don’t really keep track,” Harper said. “All my stuff is in just a box. Posters, magazines — I don’t really care.” (via Sports Illustrated)

Somewhere out there, a nation of teenage girls who’d swoon if they knew young people played sports are swooning.

Of course, there are tons of “there are no words”-esque comments from Harper and his teammates to put the homer in a proper perspective, but I’m pretending they don’t. I want the Nationals to win the World Series on a Bryce Harper 9th-inning walk-off this season just for that moment when he’s interviewed after the game, shrugs and says “whatever, I’m outta here” before sulking away.