That's actually how I picture Dax Sheppard any time I hear his name.

The Teen Choice Awards took place last night in the fourth level of hell Los Angeles, and once again the big winners were the PR and marketing teams of Hollywood film and TV studios that busted their asses the hardest to make sure that people teenagers have never heard of inexplicably won awards. For instance, Zoe Saldana won Choice Movie Actress: Action for Colombiana, a film that .000000001% of teenagers actually saw. However, she won because she showed up, unlike Jennifer Lawrence, who would have won, because every teenage girl on Earth would have voted for her for The Hunger Games.

But that’s a different story for a different site. Instead, let’s pay tribute to those trendy teens and their sports heroes, as they once again voted to select the most relevant athletes of the day. The 2012 Teen Choice Award for Choice Male Athlete is David Beckham, while Choice Female Athlete is Serena Williams. Well, I am absolutely OUTRAG… actually, that’s not terrible. Beckham just re-upped with the reigning MLS Champions (I’d still have expected LeBron James to win), while Williams won both the singles and doubles titles at Wimbledon. So if teens indeed voted for them, I’m relieved. Of course, neither Beckham nor Williams showed up and Shaun White was the only actual athlete in attendance, but I guess it’s progress.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the future of this planet and our youth as a whole. Join me for a mini-rant after the jump, will you?

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Sports

Khal Drogo Was Hammered! Also He Writes Conan Fan Fiction, Apparently - If it happens at UFC, it is technically sports! Part of me wants to see the new Conan movie, because the old comic book covers are the best, and because a good God Of War movie will probably never exist. The more reasonable side of me says “there is a different movie about a gladiator battling snakes in 3D every year, skip this one, too”. [Film Drunk]

Which NBA Legend Is Getting LeBron Ready for the 2011-2012 Season? - Is it Vlade Divac? I bet it’s Vlade Divac. Oh, it’s still just Hakeem Olajuwon. Maybe if LeBron had won the NBA Championship he could’ve unlocked some new legends. [Smoking Section]

Daniel Bryan Hypes The Hammerlock - Watch my favorite pro wrestler explain how basic pro wrestling holds, when used in real life, can rip your arm in half. I want to see a John Cena-style STF in an MMA fight, where a guy is getting his ears rubbed by the inside of Cena’s arms AND IT HURTS SO BAD. [YouTube]

With Leather

The Best Athletes and Other Stars from the 2011 Teen Choice Awards - Skip through pictures of Justin Bieber and the living Jonas Brothers to get to a big happy picture of Maryse Ouellet at the end. And now, the award for “Best Athlete” goes to … SKATEBOARDER I’VE NEVER HEARD OF, C’MON, GET UP HERE SKATEBOARDER I’VE NEVER HEARD OF [With Leather]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/8 - I’m getting some negative feedback because this week’s BAWOR is more negative than usual. Please note that while I appreciate negative feedback, Best and Worst is not the “Like Everything Every Week” review, and sometimes I’m just not gonna like the show. It’s not a big deal. [With Leather]

The Pittsburgh Steelers Are In The Dark Knight Rises - So what, the Cleveland Browns have been in the last 10 Tyler Perry movies. [With Leather]

The 80s Sitcom Daughters Guide To Fantasy Football Wide Receivers - Don’t sleep on Burnsy’s awesome fantasy football guides, which are some of the best and most useful content we’re producing. No, Punky Brewster didn’t make the list. Yes, I think that is disappointing. [With Leather]

Not Sports

When Bad Movies Happen to Good Actors - Or, “we’re going to keep wondering why Harrison Ford looks like that and acts like that and is in Cowboys & Aliens until we figure out what the hell happened”. Also, about 90% of Alan Cumming’s filmography. [FARK]

Bill Murray vs. Betty White Is Beloved Nightmare Fuel - To be honest, Betty White’s head with Bill Murray’s face just kinda looks like Bea Arthur. Argh, I miss the Golden Girls. I miss when the lady channels had Golden Girls reruns and Supermarket Sweep, and weren’t just “watch these white folks look for homes” over and over and over and over. [UPROXX]

10 Famous Fictional Characters You Didn’t Know Were Based on Real People - I knew about it because I know a lot about pro wrestling, but if you didn’t know Shrek was based on a real guy, click this link and have your mind blown. [Buzzfeed]

5 Ludicrous Jurassic Park Movie Vehicle Toys - “Dino Damage!” is one of my very favorite references. I feel like any of this stupid G.I. Joe bullsh*t would’ve made Jurassic Parks 2 and 3 better films. [Topless Robot]

15 Super Fun Futurama Tattoos - I want to get a Church of Robotology tattoo. Futurama is the best. [Gamma Squad]

The 2011 Teen Choice Awards took place on Sunday and if you’re unfamiliar with the event, it’s basically a competition between PR reps, agents, and studios to whore not only their young talent (and their respective vehicles) out to the most important demographic, but also their aging and increasingly irrelevant stars of TV and movies. It’s also a spectacular example of why even 18 is too young for people to be voting. Go ahead and make the national voting age 17, and I guarantee we’ll welcome President Kevin James in 2012.

My typical cynicism would suggest that I’m not a fan of award shows, and that’s a valid estimation, as I believe shows like the Golden Globes, MTV anything awards, ESPYs, and even the Grammys are so void of credibility that even getting upset about them is a waste of time. So why then would I waste my time on a rant on something as decreasingly credible as the Teen Choice Awards? Because I’ve had about enough of these kids on my damn lawn.

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