Teddy finally won the GEICO Racing Presidents race at Nationals Park. Previous to this, he was 0-525. I don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t felt this way since Barack Obama won the Presidency.

I’m a diehard Cleveland Indians fan, but after their 0-81 second half and descent into jamming their fingers up each others’ asses madness, I’ve been forced to fall back on my favorite National League team, the Washington Nationals. I lived in Bethesda, Maryland, for a year and have spent many an afternoon sitting in an empty ballpark, watching Mets fans (or whoever) cheer as Nyjer Morgan throws hissy-fits and gives up inside-the-park homeruns. I’ve clapped along to THUNDERSTRUCK~ with 35 other sad people.

Despite their amazing season, my hopes for a deep playoffs run for the Nats have been light. The issues with Strasburg, the post-season inexperience of players like Bryce Harper … I just didn’t know if the Nationals could pull it off. Then, Teddy Roosevelt won the Presidents Race with the help of a phony Phillie Phanatic who lost his snout somewhere in the middle. Now … I don’t know. I feel like they could accomplish anything.

Video of Teddy’s glorious moment (and a training montage that helped build to it) is after the jump.

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I almost went with “n/t” for the body of this, but here goes.

Baseball season is upon us (f**king finally), and to celebrate, I wanted to find the perfect video to encapsulate how the arrival of pitchers and catchers to Spring Training and the onset of Our National Pastime makes us feel as a people. What I’ve decided on is this clip (courtesy of Sportress Of Blogitude) of the GEICO Racing Presidents from Nationals Park trying to hurt each other on a hockey rink. Oddly enough, it’s a solid choice.

If you’ve seen a Presidents Race before (I’ve seen plenty, having spent a year living in Bethesda, Maryland, watching Nyjer Morgan whiff fly balls and give up inside-the-park homers), this one plays out like you’d expect … Teddy Roosevelt takes an early lead, but gives in to his hubris and ends up getting checked into the bench by George Washington. Later, he gets revenge with a flying cross-body from the top to take out all three remaining competitors at the finish line.

I have missed you so much, baseball.

Between Cleveland and Texas, I spent about half a year living in Washington D.C., and I can say without hyperbole that the best part of living there was the GEICO Racing Presidents race at Nationals Park.

The video I just posted is of beleaguered President Theodore Roosevelt shocking the world by winning, only to be disqualified at the last minute by a baseball playing Eagle and his wallflower friend the GEICO Gecko for using a Segway. Roosevelt has never won a race since the competition began in 2006, and although precedent exists (he was once disqualified for using a bike) the manipulation and abuse of Teddy remains infuriating. Why would they do this to a GEICO President? Is it because he was in the Progressive party?

The race was awarded to Thomas Jefferson, just as it was that time Teddy got bowled over at the last second by the Kool-Aid Man. Jefferson celebrated the victory by having sex with his slaves.

This national nightmare needs to end. Teddy needs to be allowed a victory by any means necessary, especially if Ketchup can win so many Hot Dog Races in Cleveland by nefarious means. Teddy: Avoid transportation, dodge any oncoming spokespeople, and run your rough riding ass off.

[via Let Teddy Win]