My good friend Jon Bois of SB Nation is always asking people who the most ____ player ever is. “Who is the most trade deadline player of all time?” My vote was for Orlando Cabrera, because he’s involved in literally every trade thing and people always pretend like getting him is a great idea. “Who is the most Baltimore Orioles player of all time?” (Chris Hoiles) “Who is the most Philadelphia Phillies player of all time?” (Von Hayes) I’d say that “who is the most ___ player of all time” is the most SB Nation question of all time.

That being said, we might have an answer for the question “who is the least Baseball Player player of all time?” Milwaukee Brewers utilityman Craig Counsell is that man (yes, he’s still playing … no, I didn’t realize it either). According to a report from Big League Stew and also baseball stats, the poor man’s B.J. Surhoff holds one unique distinction (being the only player to have been on base for two game-winning hits in Game 7 of the World Series) and is closing in on another — if he doesn’t record a hit in his next at-bat, he’ll tie a record set in 1909 by Brooklyn’s Bill Bergen for most consecutive ABs without a hit by a position player. He’s currently hitless in his last 45 at-bats.

Craig Counsell is some kind of perverse, anti-Moonlight Graham. The guy has been around since 1995 (1995!) with a lifetime .256 average and 41 total home runs. He’s had seven stints on five different teams and his absolute biggest selling point is a sorta high Spatial Aggregate Fielding Evaluation. Yet somehow he’s a two-time World Series Champion (sorry Tony Gwynn, sorry Ted Williams) and an NLCS MVP. I think it’s safe to say Craig Counsell is the most Craig Counsell player of all time.

The Cleveland Cavaliers offered Ted Williams (the other one) an announcing gig when he shot to fame with a viral YouTube video, and now that a little bit of time has passed and everyone has forgotten it, they can take it back. The story of Williams’ God-given gift of voice broke earlier this year, and in Internet time it might as well have happened in the 1700s alongside the birth of our nation, the invention of the cotton gin, and What What In The Butt.

It turns out the Cavs made an offer to a homeless stranger without realizing he was, uh, homeless. From the News-Herald:

The bum turned star isn’t working for the Cleveland Cavaliers. They famously offered him a deal after his YouTube video went viral, without realizing the long resume of drug abuse and criminal activity he’s provided society over the years as a derelict.

I guess somebody being homeless is only okay if you don’t know why they’re homeless. To the Cavs’ credit, Williams did sort of shoot himself in the foot by doing a bunch of drugs, getting detained by police for shouting at his daughter in a hotel, and getting talked down to by Dr. Phil in minute maybe two-and-a-half of his fame. He lost his macaroni commercial, he lost a few teeth, and now this.

In a related story, the Cavs also took back the organ player offer they made to Keyboard Cat after finding out he’s a real cat and can’t actually play the keyboard.

Golden-voiced panhandler Ted Williams is having a fire…sale. He’s planning to auction off his camouflage jacket and cardboard sign. Because where else could you get those?

The man with the golden voice wanted to put the sign on eBay to raise money for the “Ted Williams Second Chance Foundation.”

During his homeless days, Williams used the sign to panhandle and was holding it the day he was discovered by a reporter from The Columbus Dispatch.

–Fox 8 Cleveland.

I have a feeling that his “Second Chance Foundation” is a rubber coin purse in his sock where he keeps his booze money. You know what they say, after a second chance, and a third, and a fourth, you’ll surely find a fifth. Actually, I don’t know anyone that says that. It’s quite long and cumbersome to be a popular saying.

When you can pull off a Halloween costume that serves as the ultimate tribute to Frozen Head Baseball with a skosh of insinuated necrophelia, you’ve reached the big time. This guy took it upon himself to dress up as a post-mortem Ted Williams, and I should probably watch what I say in the event that all that hokey cryogenic crap actually works and he comes back from the dead with a vengeance and starts hunting down all of my children 20 years into the future. But the jokes on him: once those kids pass away, I’m off the hook for child support…unless he decides to cryogenically freeze them. Aw, crap.

More pictures at Unathletic Mag; thanks to Don Chavez for the heads-up.

It’s not every day that I’m at a loss for words, but this latest development on FOXSports, who apparently has hired Ted Williams’ frozen head to preview the MLB playoffs.

But I have to say, do you have any idea what kind of ribbing a guy would have taken in my day if his name was Pujols? We’d have never let up. We’d have been chirping on that top step all day long. Or at least until he hit one of his 450-foot rockets into the upper deck.

Guess it could be worse. I played with a guy named Mike Higgins who we called Pinky. Imagine if Pujols’ teammates did that. Pinky Pujols.

Good thing the guy is the best player in baseball.

And he’ll have a whole lot more success against those Dodger rag arms than Torre’s boys will have against Carpenter and Wainwright.

Sorry to make what you lame-ass sportswriters do look so easy, but it sure ain’t as tough as squaring up a round ball with a round bat or reeling in a 130-pound tarpon or flying a combat mission.

I never did care for you hacks. But now I got bigger enemies. Right here in the lab.

And when I get put back together, thawed out and reanimated, someone’s in for a beating. via, via.

I don’t know whether to start laughing my ass off or recoil in horror at what a bizarre lapse in decorum FOXSports has shown us here. A lot of times, bloggers will blast big media for doing stuff like this, but we do stuff like this all the time over at KSK [though, never with just a fraction of a person's anatomy, though Drew Brees' birthmark was "this close" to becoming his own character]. This really is brilliant, and this will be one of the only MLB previews I read in its entirety. And whoever hired the guy that wrote this, please send us an email. I’m sure Charles Haley’s penis would make a great columnist in your rotation.

The frozen head of late baseball legend Ted Williams was abused, according to an excerpt from an upcoming book. The book, Frozen, chronicles the remains of the late Red Sox slugger in the Alcor Life Extension Foundation, a cryogenic facility in Arizona. The book’s author, former Alcor executive Larry Johnson, describes how Williams’ body was mistreated and abused.

The book, out Tuesday from Vanguard Press, tells how Williams’ corpse became “Alcorian A-1949″ at the facility, where bodies are kept suspended in liquid nitrogen in case future generations learn how to revive them.

Johnson writes that in July 2002, shortly after the Red Sox slugger died at age 83, technicians with no medical certification gleefully photographed and used crude equipment to decapitate the majors’ last .400 hitter.

Williams’ severed head was then frozen, and even used for batting practice by a technician trying to dislodge it from a tuna fish can.

More nightmare fuel after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »