Stripper enthusiast Pacman Jones was sent packing to Dallas after the first year of his indefinite ban from the NFL, but commissioner Roger Goodell has yet to grant him reinstatement in the league.  Why?  Because Roger Goodell is a huge dick.  And so, the Cowboys are joining the cause to get Pacman back in the league.  Among Pac's supporters: gun-lovin' DT Tank Johnson, who rocked an eight-game ban under Der Commissar Herr Goodell.

Johnson looked into the camera and sent a message to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, loudly, clearly and with a big smile: "Roger, please, let him play! From Tank. Thanks, buddy." "Him," of course, is Adam "Pacman" Jones…

The team's department that works with troubled players hooked them up as sort of a mentorship. Nate Newton, Michael Irvin and others helped Johnson, and now he's reaching out to Jones.

Wait, stop the article.  Would that be the same Nate Newton who was caught with 213 pounds of marijuana in his van?  And then a month later was caught another 175 pounds of it, leading to a 30-month jail sentence?  And I'm assuming this Michael Irvin character is the wide receiver who's renowned for his rumored drug and hooker expertise, extending even years after he had retired and was working for ESPN.

What an incredible program.  Maybe they can get Charles Manson to be like, "Dude, take it from me: don't kill anyone.  Although if you really wanna know how…" 

[FanHaus] 

Tank Johnson, the former Bears defensive tackle who was cut last week following an 8-game suspension levied by Der Kommissar, has often spoken about a troubled childhood during which his father was in and out of prison and his mother did drugs.  Except, uh, it may not be true.

''You can't fabricate things, and you can't go around making up accusations and building up stories based on your family,'' said [aunt] Chris Johnson, who lives in Gary.  Said [father] Terry Johnson Sr: ''I've never been in prison."

Tank Johnson also has told a story about how someone doused him with gasoline and attempted to set him on fire when he lived in Gary. Chris Johnson said she had ''no idea'' if that is true.  She said the family ''loves Tank unconditionally, but we don't understand the fabrications and lies. Nobody knows why he does it.''

Ugh, I can't stand liars.  One time I killed a person for lying.  I smashed his head in with a ballpeen hammer, and when the cops showed up they couldn't charge me with a crime because they couldn't find the murder weapon because I ate it.  I was able to digest the wooden handle, but pooping the hammer head out three days later hurt like hell.  True story.

Story via the FanHaus

Again.  Tank Johnson had another run-in with the law:

Police in the Phoenix suburb of Gilbert [Arizona] said Johnson was stopped for driving 40 mph in a 25 mph zone at 3:30 a.m. Friday and the officer made observations that led him to believe Johnson was impaired.  Sgt. Andrew Duncan, a police spokesman, said Johnson was arrested for "DUI Impaired to the Slightest Degree" but was released without being booked or charged.

"DUI Impaired to the Slightest Degree" sounds made-up to me, but of course I've never been impaired to the slightest degree.  I'm usually closer to the 'n'th degree.  I think these cops were just having a little fun with Tank. Cop 1: Hey, is that Tank Johnson?  Cop 2: Yeah, I think it is. Fuckin' Bears man. The Cardinals should have totally beat them last year.  Cop 1: Yeah. They were who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook.  Cop 2:  I'd like to Taser the shit out of Devin Hester.  Cop 1: Fuck yeah! What's the speed limit here?  Cop 2: How the fuck should I know?  Cop 1: I'm going to pull this asshole down, just follow my lead.

Of course it's entirely possible Tank was slightly impaired.  The Gilbert, AZ police spokesman said the officers had 'probable cause' which means they could've smelled alcohol on Tank's breath, noticed he was slurring his speech, or remembered that he played in the NFL. -KD

(See Foul Balls for more.) 

As you all surely know, Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was recently released from a two-month stay in Cook County Jail, and 300-pound athletes can't exactly get by on "a scoop of grits for breakfast, a bologna sandwich for lunch and a chicken leg for dinner."  So Tank turned his attention to the jail commissary.

[Johnson] spent almost $700 buying assorted junk food during the 60 days he spent in the Cook County Jail. And while the 6-foot-3, 300-pound lineman is built like a vending machine, the roster of items he ordered reads like he raided one, too.

That's right, his purchases included 162 beef sticks, 40 honey bun sweet rolls, 35 summer sausage blocks, 35 bags of barbecue chips, and a Halloween haul of candy over his sixty day incarceration.

Johnson supplemented his diet by relying on the commissary and all the treats it offers — though nutritionists don't advise anyone follow Johnson's food choices.

Man, where would this country be without nutritionists?  They're like a cross between firefighters and ER surgeons, if firefighters were braver and surgeons were smarter.  America's heroes?  No, friends: the world's heroes.

(From Pro Football Talk via the FanHouse) 

Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson will be released from Cook County Jail today after serving 60 days of a 120 day sentence for a parole violation.

On April 30, the 25-year-old pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor weapons charge stemming from a Dec. 14 police raid on his Gurnee, Ill., home that found six unregistered firearms.

We all remember that, and it kind of makes sense that a guy named Tank would like guns.  Anyway, Tank will meet NFL Roger Goodell on Wednesday, and all indications are that the Bears tackle will be suspended for a few games.  I however think their conversation will be much more pleasant, maybe something like this:

    Roger Goodell: Hi Tank.  How ya doin'?  How was the Cook County slammer?

    Tank Johnson: Oh, it was bad.  Every morning they serve some wicked oatmeal.

    Roger Goodell: Can't be as bad as the cabbage roll at the Terre Haute pen.

    Johnson's Agent: Or the pepper steak at the Joliet lock-up.

    Roger  Goodell: Well, they're all pretty bad.

Goodell knows how it is.  If it wasn't for his old lady keeping tabs on him at his soul food restaurant, he'd still be raising hell on Chicago's West Side.  Also, I believe that Lance Briggs will place a call to Tank that begins: "So Tank, you're out, you're free, you're rehabilitated.  What's next, what's happenin', whatcha gonna do?  You got the money you owe me motherfucker?" -KD

This story's already been all over the blogosphere, but yesterday the Bears' Tank Johnson was sentenced to four months in jail. Something about having a bunch of unregistered guns in his house last December somehow violated his probation from the previous year, which was also from — surprise! — a gun charge.

Before he was sentenced Johnson pleaded with Cook County Circuit Judge John Moran for leniency. "Your honor, I don't believe I'm a man who belongs in jail," he said.

But Cenar said jail time was appropriate. "Just because he's a professional football player and plays for the Chicago Bears, doesn't put him above the law," Cenar said.

The most important thing to take into account here is NOT to think about Tank Johnson as a human being who has to go to prison, but as a key component of a defense that you may be looking to draft in your fantasy league. Remember how well Jamal Lewis ran after four months in prison? If not, the answer is: like dog shit. I guess NFL players need more than a set of free weights and three squares of gruel to stay in playing shape.

So, today's lesson: make your goons carry your guns, and pay top fucking dollar for a defense attorney who can keep plea bargain you down to a couple thousand hours of community service. Because I think the rumpled fatass with the bad tie is his lawyer. Sheesh. Tank: less money on armor-piecing ammo, more money on lawyers who can afford clothes and a haircut.