"Apparently we are still in Kansas."

The hyperbole has been intense over the past 12 hours or so since Evan Longoria barreled through his teammates to touch home plate last night. Scott Van Pelt repeatedly reiterated that “nothing is better than sports, ever.” And we agreed. The Twitterverse displayed a million different versions of “This can’t be real!” as people marveled at the heroics of Longoria and his teammates and the breakdown of Jonathan Papelbon and his. We also agreed.

To call it the best night in the history of baseball, though, is a bit of a stretch. Don’t get me wrong, I watched all of the action of each game live, flipping back and forth as each inning became crazier than the one before it. But is it still better than a great World Series Game 7? That’s a pretty tough call. So I will settle on the Greatest Night In Regular Season Baseball History.

Nevertheless, it was great for baseball. I’m sure that as Bud Selig is briefing the umpires on how his Milwaukee Brewers need to win*, he’s smiling a little wider than usual, perhaps even thinking of a bigger statue that he can build outside of Miller Park. Too bad it couldn’t be that great for everyone. As always, there are winners and losers, and as a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I am generally regarded as more intelligent, classy, handsome, and sympathetic than other baseball fans. So I thought we’d pay tribute to the faces of the people who gave us “Baseball’s Greatest Night.”

*You know, hypothetically.

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Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon is known for his meticulous managing style, or for being an over-managing douchebag, depending on whose cap you’re wearing, which makes this gaffe from Sunday’s game against the Cleveland Indians all the more remarkable. Maddon penciled in two players at third base–Ben Zobrist and Evan Longoria, the latter whom Maddon had intended to play as the DH. From the Tampa Trib:

Because Zobrist had already played, the Rays had to forfeit the DH slot and have the pitcher bat in what would have been Longoria’s slot – third in the batting order.

So Andy Sonnanstine, who loves hitting more than any other Rays pitcher, ended up batting third when play resumed in the bottom of the first inning – and promptly knocked Carl Crawford off the bases with an ineffective bunt down the third-base line that got Crawford forced out at second base.

However, Sonnanstine did hit an RBI double in the fourth. And the Rays won the game. But still, that’s quite a boner on Joe Maddon’s part. And a pretty big lineup card mistake to boot.

|Roto Arcade|

Orioles infielder Aubrey Huff had himself a nice little interview with Bubba the Love Sponge on Sirius Satellite Radio in which he commendably called Baltimore a "horseshit town," estimated that he had slept with between two hundred and three hundred women, and talked about how he prefers masturbating to preparing for whatever opponent he might be facing.

Bubba: "Now Aubrey, do you jack off a lot on the road, like when you're not with your wife."
Huff: "It's all I do. It's all I do. You guys have no idea how much downtime there is in baseball. You wake up from a hangover about 1 o'clock."
Producer shouts: "In the afternoon?"
Huff: "Oh, yeah! Lemme tell you this. When you are hung over, how horny are you? I'm horny, when I'm hungover, I'm horny. So I'm just gonna beat off. And that's all I do."

As you can probably imagine, some PR people had heart attacks over this, and Huff backpedaled about his comments.  And good thing, too.  Morning radio is no place to discuss your lewd womanizing ways and frequent masturbation.  Save that for the blogs, mister.  And calling Baltimore a horseshit town is unnecessary and demeaning.  To horseshit.

[FanHaus] 

very special ceremony this Thursday, and they're gonna do it the only way TAMPA knows how: with more style than Fashion Week, baby.

The team is going big time for Thursday's official uniform/logo/colors unveiling (4-8 p.m. at Straub Park in downtown St. Petersburg) by bringing in nearly 20 players (including Carl Crawford, B.J. Upton and Delmon Young, but not Carlos Pena, who will be on a cruise) plus former stars Wade Boggs and Fred McGriff for the "fashion show" and appearances. … Kevin Costner and his Modern West band will play starting at 6:30.

…Followed by the All-State High School a cappella choir at 7:30 sharp!  Bring the kids!  There's gonna be funnel cakes, and this year the Tilt-a-Whirl passed safety inspection!  Weeeeeeeee!

p.s. Be friends with Costner's band over at MySpace. 

The Yankees summarily destroyed the D-Rays 21-4 yesterday in a game that I ventured up to the Bronx to watch.  Sexy friends, it wasn't pretty.  And I'm not talking about the Yankees' 25 hits (six of which were home runs), their ten-run 4th inning, or the look of utter dejection most Rays had by the end of the game.  I'm talking about the fans.  As the 4th inning continued to get out of hand (six run-scoring singles before Shelley Duncan's three-run homer), the fans' desire to grind a bad team into the ground — a day after a double-header sweep ended with a 17-5 Yanks' win — grew louder and more bloodthirsty.  When A-Rod's two-run homer in the 6th inning made it 18-3, the sheer joy of humiliating another team crossed over into depraved.

It was like watching 55,000 people cheer a snuff film.  Troubling.  Snuff films should only be enjoyed quietly, and in the privacy of a locked room.

Other MLB scores: Battle of Socks: Chicago lands in the AL Central cellar — holy crap, behind Kansas City? — after losing to Red Sox 8-5 in Fenway… East Coast bias: Mets take three of four from Dodgers behind Chip Ambres's 10th inning go-ahead hit, his first MLB hit since 2005 (or longer if you take into account that that hit was with the Royals)… Canadian Rakin': three Blue Jay home runs are more than enough as Roy Halladay tosses 3-hit shutout against Seattle, the Mariners' second straight scoreless game.

The Devil Rays suffered their 11th consecutive loss last night as the Red Sox finished a sweep at Fenway with a 15-4 pounding in which the Sox put 13 runs on the board over the first three innings.  Coco Crisp hit a first-inning grand slam, Mike Lowell had five hits and five RBIs, and Josh Beckett coasted to his 12th win as the Sawx kept their 12-game lead over Toronto and New York in the Al East. 

The good news is that this is rock bottom for the D-Rays.  It doesn't get much worse than Coco Crisp hitting a grand slam.  The Rays would have to get relegated to the NL, then let a pitcher hit a grand slam for it to be worse.  Hmmm… relegation to the NL: that sounds fair.  But who to promote to the AL?  Are there any good teams in the NL?  The Padres?  The Mets?  Don't even say the Brewers.

Other MLB scores: Fatty C.C. Sabathia and his crooked hat gave up 7 runs as the Tigers jumped on the Indians 12-3, narrowing the gap in the AL Central and getting Justin Verlander his 10th win… goddam Angels can't even get swept.  Stupid Kelvim Escobar has a stupid first name… The Cubs have a winning record.  It doesn't make sense until you realize they did it by beating the Nats.