I liked football better back when I thought it was real.

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5 Reasons The New DC Logo Is Awful, Awful, Awful - Is comics the only industry where the only way to succeed is to systematically ruin and re-ruin and re-ruin everything halfway decent the people who had the job before you did? Marvel’s new logo should just be Walmart’s. [Gamma Squad]

10 Reasons To Shop At Wal-Mart - Reason 11: those 25 dollar WWE DVDs get dropped down to 5 bucks and tossed in the discount bin whenever they retire or get released. Oh hai Edge DVD! [Buzzfeed]

Hazel Jones’s Two Vaginas Are Freely Available On YouTube - Thank goodness! If they aren’t going to release seasons of Hazels Jones’s Two Vaginas on DVD, at least I get to watch it somewhere. [Film Drunk]

Cable TV Is Full of Liars - As if those infomercials where the people try to grab bread or whatever in black and white and get hurt and get a big red X over their faces weren’t enough of a clue. [Warming Glow]

Kevin Love’s Game Winning Three Breaks The Clippers 101-98 - More importantly, which celebrities watched it happen? [Smoking Section]

A Premature Tribute To Paul Rudd’s Bobby Newport - Bobby Newport. Bobby Newport. Bobby, Newport. Bobby. Bobby. [UPROXX]

9 Funny Tourist Photobombs - HuffPost Comedy, for when you want to read Cracked.com but wish it was written by job-stealing robots. [HuffPost Comedy]

Man Sues Rupert Murdoch For Defaming Him Through ‘Donnie Darko’ and ‘The X-Files’ - I should sue him for defaming me through ‘Bob’s Burgers’. [The FW]

The 10 Least Plausible Movie Stunts Ever. Complete With SOPA-unfriendly Videos - That horse powersliding under a truck had better be on here somewhere. Also, Jessica Alba hurting someone with a punch ever. [FARK]

Five Movies where One Actor has Five or More Roles - It’s pretty sad when these lists go up, and Alec Guinness and Peter Sellers get lumped into the talent pool with post-Crisis Eddie Murphy. Yes, Kind Hearts And Coronets is just like The Klumps. [Unreality]

Redesigns of Classic Hip-Hop Album Covers - Someone should redesign every album Nas has made since Illmatic so he can be as cool and good as he’s supposed to be. Also, redesign Nicki Minaj by turning her into a giant pink blur, plz. [High Definite]

A Florida man *long pause, sigh* was arrested this week after he went shopping at a local Walmart for a birthday present for his daughter. At least that’s what William Tyler Black told police after he was busted for masturbating in the toy section. How is this sports related, you ask, as your monocle falls into your martini glass? What, you don’t consider public masturbation a sport? Fine, he was masturbating to the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Released in February, the Swimsuit Issue is available throughout the year at places like Walmart, where you can’t buy an album with explicit lyrics, but if you’re really lucky you can buy an extra sticky Star Wars light saber. Black was busted by one of the store’s employees, and I assume that lucky minimum wager witnessed a whole new kind of rolling it back.

How exactly did this public skin flautist get caught, Smoking Gun:

A store employee told cops that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor.” Employees reported that Black “discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.”

Black was charged with battery on a child, among the other indecent goodies, because between the mess on the floor and wiping it on a toy, it was safe enough to assume that a child would have eventually come into contact with the spunk. Even better, though, Black is a substitute teacher, so we can only imagine what he was using to stick stars on his students’ tests.

But he did it with a baseball bat, so it’s totally a sports story now. What I love about this video is that dude just gets himself warmed up and then just stops. He has great power for a lefty; I’d say that he’s been juicing, but he’s not showing any other symptoms of steroid use.

Westley Strellis has been hit himself – with 29 counts of criminal damage to property in nthe second degree.

Witnesses tell police he grabbed a metal baseball bat from the sporting goods section yesterday, walked a couple of aisles over to the electronics area – and started whaling on the displays.

Police say the TV sets are valued at over $22,000. –NBC2 Ft. Myers.

Georgia is sort of no-man’s-land in terms of Walmart. People on the east coast generally loathe Walmart, and people in the midwest generally like them. But stop in think, this guy would have had to visit two different stores to do this anyplace else. It’s time we starting appreciating these retail superpowers a bit more, or at least until somebody starts shooting up the discount clothing section with a Remington shotgun after being turned down for cough medicine at the pharmacy. Thanks, Ape. Vid via AP.