Chances are that if you know who Jasmine Waltz is without having to Google her, then you’re either a fan of “celebrity” sex tapes or you’re way too involved with David Arquette’s private life. But I won’t blame you for the latter, because he is, after all, a former WCW Champion, so he deserves our respect. I assume, though, that you wouldn’t know Waltz from a Megan Fox impersonator at your cousin’s awesome bachelor party, so here’s a rundown of her résumé:

Quick backstory on Jasmine Waltz. She is an aspiring actress and has dated, hooked up with, or has been linked to David Arquette, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, Ryan Seacrest, Jesse McCartney, Doug Reinhardt and Vinny from “The Jersey Shore.” And those are just the easily Google-able guys, there are probably more secret hook-ups. But we don’t blame them, she’s hot. Like Megan Fox hot!

Apparently she has a type: FAMOUS. (Via Hollyscoop)

And as you can see from that banner pic, she does look a lot like Fox, so that’s probably why all of those young, horny celebrities have been tripping over themselves to spend a romantic evening with her. As I also mentioned, she has a sex tape out there thanks to a sweet $60,000 deal that she signed with Vivid back in 2011, and that means that she has zero vertical talent.

So what the hell am I bringing her up for today? According to Hollyscoop, swimming-legend-turned-poker-pro Michael Phelps is now dating Waltz after he broke up with his Las Vegas waitress and model girlfriend, Megan Rossee.

I have to be honest, if you had told me that a gold medalist swimmer was going to be losing a ton of money by playing professional poker while dating high maintenance, gold-digging models, I would have guessed Ryan Lochte 10 times out of 10. Is it possible that Lochte is actually smarter than Phelps? It sure seems that way. But Phelps is definitely having more fun in the meantime.

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The other day we discussed the wonder of marriage and how Los Angeles Lakers forward and Twizzlers fanatic Lamar Odom and his famous-because-her-sister-made-an-amateur-porn-with-Brandy’s-talentless-brother wife Khloe Kardashian were still crazier than ever for each other as they celebrated their first anniversary. Well get ready to feel your heart burst, because the truly sincere husband and wife have renewed their vows. I know, I think I felt some joy pee squirt out, too.

The whole ceremony was part of an elaborate and cunning ruse by Odom, who had Khloe’s friends pick her up – not literally, LOL – and blindfold her, not telling her where they were taking her and what for on her anniversary. Even the camera man from her scripted reality TV show kept the secret, I’m sure. And if all of that doesn’t scream romance enough, Khloe’s sisters, Kim and Khlewbacca, were in attendance, as was close friend of the family… Snooki. It really was like heaven on Earth.

Tell us that it was beautiful and magical so we can pretend like anyone but lonely women give a bean burrito fart about this stuff, USA Today:

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