If that preview image doesn’t make you click the link, maybe this will: at one point in Taiwan’s “New York Yankees didn’t make the World Series” epic, Alex Rodriguez draws a sex emoticon on a ball and gets it tossed to a lady. Yep.

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Links

Here Are 15 ‘Adorable’ Halloween Costumes For Kids That Are Actually Quite Horrifying |UPROXX|

‘SNL’ Recap: Bruno Mars (And Tom Hanks) |Warming Glow|

Holy Sh*t. Nic Cage in talks to star in a Left Behind reboot. |Film Drunk|

Excessive GIF Theater: How To React To Christian Ponder Dating Samantha Steele |With Leather|

Five Historical Eras The Assassin’s Creed Franchise Should Explore Next |Gamma Squad|

8 Ways Beyonce Could Pay Homage To New Orleans During The Super Bowl Halftime Show |Smoking Section|

Pizza Bloody Mary: Football Foodie Brunch Cocktails |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Soccer dives are the worst, and Luis Suarez of Liverpool is the worst AT them. Here, Taiwan’s Next Media Animation accuses him of watching Bambi for helplessness research and runs a steamroller over him. Seems reasonable. (via NMA)

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Links

Mila Kunis Is Not A Fan Of The Internet |UPROXX|

David Cross And Amber Tamblyn Had The Most Charmingly Perfect Wedding Ever |Warming Glow|

The Looper Timeline Infographic |Film Drunk|

Here’s A Painting Of Larry Bird And Skeletor |With Leather|

Ms. Marvel May Be In ‘The Avengers 2′. Here’s Who May Be Playing Her |Gamma Squad|

10 Great Soundtracks From Terrible Movies |Smoking Section|

Dan Shaughnessy Isn’t Even Good At Trolling |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Taiwan Animation covered Europe’s unlikely Ryder Cup comeback in their usual way — with afros, morphsuits and people from the United States dressing like Uncle Sam at all times. The actual story:

Europe won a remarkable 8.5 points of 12 available against the US in the final day’s singles to snatch a remarkable comeback win in the 39th Ryder Cup held at Medinah Country Club in Chicago, Illinois.

Taiwan’s version includes ghosts and suits of armor. Sometimes I wish real life was just Taiwan Animation. Then I remember how many people get slaughtered in them.

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Links

A Guide To The Many Different Looks Of The Very Good Looking Jon Hamm |UPROXX|

Here Is A Picture Of Kelly Bundy Holding A Falcon And A Snake |Warming Glow|

The Master Fact-Check: Can you make moonshine from paint thinner? |Film Drunk|

This Cannot End Well: Kristin Cavallari Is Filming A Guest Spot On ‘The League’ Today |With Leather|

‘NBA Live ’13′ Finally Gets A Mercy Killing |Gamma Squad|

The Relationship Between Jay-Z & The Notorious B.I.G. |Smoking Section|

What To Expect At The Cowboys Victoria’s Secret Store |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Taiwan’s Next Media Animation has really gone above and beyond with their latest effort, calmly titled, “New York Yankees 2012 season goes off the rails”. Taiwan Animation generally sticks to recapping major stories with a keen sarcastic eye for the absurdity of truth, but now they’re in the predictions game, and that game includes saying C.C. Sabathia has gained so much weight that whenever he goes to the beach “Greenpeace tries to drag his ass back into the water”. They are not playing around.

I hate the Yankees as much as the next guy, but no part of “tied for first in the AL East with the Baltimore Orioles” necessitates the entire New York infield playing with the aid of walkers or calling Derek Jeter an “overrated singles slapper”. I don’t know if these things are written by committee or just by random dudes on the Internet approached by violent strangers in pig masks a la the Saw movie franchise, but man, this is extra harsh. Consider that Tampa is five games back on September 17 and … wait, am I trying to rationalize this with stats? F**k New York and their pirate ship adventures.

If New York wins the division, I’ll expect a full retraction from Next Media Animation. I also expect it to be bat-shit insane.

Elijah Earnheart, a six-foot tall, 297-pound 12-year-old from Mesquite, Texas, has been banned from his Pee Wee Football league for being too big. The Pee Wee league has a rule that states any 7th grader exceeding 135 pounds can not play, but must play in the school league with older kids instead.

Also, he RIPS OFF THEIR HEADS. (via NMA World Edition)

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Links

The Undertaker Goes Shopping For A Baseball Bat: More Wrestler Run-Ins |Deadspin|

21 MMA Ring Girls Who Have Posed Nude: A NSFW Celebration |Cage Potato|

The 15 Most Cringe-Worthy Scenes From ‘The Newsroom’ |Warming Glow|

10 Bands That Should Be On ‘SNL’ This Season |UPROXX|

Batman Rumored To Be Rebooted Only Two Years From Now In ‘Justice League’ |Gamma Squad|

Ten NYC Rappers Who Will Bring The Big Apple Back |Smoking Section|

The 10 Best Moments From The Fourth Episode Of Dolphins ‘Hard Knocks’ |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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As if Aremenian boy barfight MMA wasn’t bad enough, today’s big mainstream news story tackles the next step down on the boyfighting evolutionary ladder … three awful, awful Delaware women were arrested and charged with assault, reckless endangerment, endangering the welfare of a child and conspiracy for organizing what is more or less a toddler fight club. No, seriously. They lined up kids at day care, made them punch each other and taped it with their cell phones.

Here’s the report from CNN, which Nancy Grace has been masturbating to since yesterday afternoon.

Authorities have not released the video but say one day care worker said “No pinching, only punching” after one of the boys complained that the other had pinched him.

The video purportedly shows seven other children seated in the room with their backs to the fighting, according to police.

“It’s not like they didn’t know what was going on, and they were just encouraging them to continue,” [Dover Police Captain] Stump said. “One of the children attempted to run, but one of the teachers pushes him back into the fray.

I don’t know if it’s the rise of Tyler Durden, an increased awareness of dogfighting or too many Pokémon games, but apparently we have to make everything fight everything else now. One of the creepiest parts of the story is that the women made the other kids line up with their backs to the fighting and wait their turn, which is either the most gladiatorial or Blair Witch Project thing I’ve ever heard.

A Division Of Family Services spokesperson says the women “could be prohibited from working in the public sector, especially with children or senior citizens”, because I guess “make them fight each other on camera and then shoot them all into the sun” isn’t something the Division Of Family Services can organize.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the only people who’d be more interested in this than Nancy Grace (Taiwan’s Next Media Animation) have already whipped up a piece about the story. Yes, it contains bloody, slow-motion uppercuts.

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