SWEET CAMO SHORTS, BRO.

The Washington Nationals are amazingly fortunate. The reigning NL East Champions have 20-year old phenom Bryce Harper locked up through 2018 for just (relative) pennies each year, and that allows the team to keep spending like crazy to build a winning team that won’t lose in the first round of the MLB Playoffs. Of course, if all goes to plan and Harper’s career unfolds as most people expect, he’ll eventually command the biggest payday in professional baseball history. Some goofballs even think it could be worth as much as $400 million.

Until then, poor Bryce has to get by on the $1 million-plus that he’s making each season, and sure, he bought himself a big fancy Mercedes with a Nationals logo and trunk full of bats, and sure, he has a big endorsement deal with Under Armour that pays him a ton to lift weights at a rave. But none of that is enough to put food on the table. At least not the unlimited free food that a young millionaire deserves these days.

Thank God Chipotle realized that and gave Harper that card above, which allows him a lifetime of free burritos. So where does that rank on the best moments of Harper’s young career? Amazingly, it’s not even close to No. 1.

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Heisman Winner Robert Griffin III Will Make The Leap To The League - Good for him. Hopefully the NFL of 2015 is only rookies, and they’re all exceeding expectations. [Smoking Section]

25 Of The Most Normal Photos Of Rappers Doing Normal Sh*t - I’ve always wanted a Golden Treasury of Ludacris on the toilet. “My poop is colorful – BALLOONS!” etc. [UPROXX]

We Have A Special Treat For You If You ‘Like’ Us On Facebook - An exclusive 5-Second Films film! If you like With Leather on Facebook all it gets you is the Kate Upton sex tape. What a rip-off! [UPROXX]

Jon Huntsman’s Super Cute Daughters Will Unite Us All - These girls ain’t got nothin’ on Meghan McCain. And trust me, as someone who grew up in the religious mecca of central Virginia, it’s no surprise to me that a super Republican has foxy daughters. [Warming Glow]

The 10 Cheesiest Movie Moments Of 2011 - It’s hard to say “hey, I disagree” at Film Drunk, but I still don’t agree with him about Moneyball. Literally every emotional moment in the history of movies is derivative of human emotion in some way and “manufactured”, unless we’re exclusively watching Errol Morris DVDs. Plus, Mark Shapiro looked exactly like Mark Shapiro, so come on. [Film Drunk]

Corporate Response To Star Wars Complaint Letter Is The Best Ever Corporate Response - I’m going to start sending in complaint letters to UPROXX every time we post something about Star Wars. [Gamma Squad]

The 30 Best Taco-Related Crimes Ever - #31, giving Shaq TNS (Taco Neck Syndrome) and ruining the prime of his NBA career. [Buzzfeed]

10 Movies You Had No Idea Were Turned Into TV Shows - Another excuse for me to link you to that Uncle Buck theme I shared a few months ago. It is easily the best TV credits theme of all time. [The FW]

Paul Rudd To *Literally* Guest Star On “Parks and Recreation” - Truefax: if Paul Rudd was ugly he wouldn’t have been in a single movie. [FARK]

20 Underappreciated Gems Currently Playing on Netflix Instant - Hulu has them beat: it has the Christmas movie where Bruce Vilanch is an emotional elf. [Pajiba]

This ‘Kate Upton Rocks the World’ Video Will Shatter Your Mind - It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, but you should watch it anyway. The success or failure of our website is directly related to how often Kate Upton does things. [Brobible]

The Summer Glau Comic-Con Pose GIF - This is why I can’t pay to meet celebrities at cons. They absolutely do not give a sh*t that I like them. [NextRound]

The Guinness Book of World Records is promoting the hell out of its upcoming 2012 edition, and rightfully so. Over the past year, people from around the world have gone to ridiculous lengths to achieve immortality, despite the fact that no matter what they do someone will just do it better next year. Either way, people are desperate to achieve fame so they’ll do whatever they can, even if it means sleeping with a Kardashian.

Included in this year’s batch are records like the World’s Largest Cow (sadly not related to the World’s Largest Mom), most balloons inflated by nose, most balloons popped by a dog (unrelated), the longest cucumber, most Twitter followers (to Lady Attention Gaga up there) and the largest collection of Dr. Who Daleks. You know that guy gets some serious action, too.

But there were too many to show proper respect to today so I picked just a few to shine the spotlight on, mainly because I need all the time I can get for setting the world record for staring at Scarlett Johansson’s leaked cell phone pics. Wish me luck!