After New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries married Kim Kardashian in a wedding that netted them approximately $17 million in endorsements, it surprised very few people that Kardashian’s mother, Kris Jenners, also signed on to be Humphries’ manager. Additionally, Humphries signed with Kardashian’s agent at William Morris, and everything looked great for the guy who has averaged a triple single for his career.

Shockingly, only two months to the day after his wedding, Humphries has been dropped by the talent agency, thus sparking a slew of rumors that his fairy tale marriage is already crumbling. So it turns out that we may have a 6 billion way tie in our divorce pool with “Not even 3 months.”

“He’s breaking Kim’s heart,” a source tells Star. “Originally he was supposed to come to New York for a guys’ weekend, but at the last minute he switched it to Miami. I guess he thought that way they could drink and do whatever they wanted without Kim finding out.”

The magazine goes on to claim that Kris partied at LIV nightclub at Miami’s Fontainebleau Hotel on Sept. 30 and Kris was “acting like a single man.”

(Via Hollywood Life)

He was scratching his ass and farting in public? The horror.

I know, I said I wouldn’t torment everyone with more news about this fake marriage unless it involved a golden wood chipper from heaven, but it’s a slow day. So how about I make it up to you with the cutest picture you’ll see all day?

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The banner image is from an article on Huffington Post yesterday about reports from Media Takeout that Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom and his wife Khloe Kardashian were in a horrific, terrifying, catastrophic car accident and apparently almost died in the process. In fact, Media Takeout called the wreck “DEVASTATING” while describing how Odom’s new car “SMASHED” into a motorcyclist while Odom was DRIVING TO A BARBER SHOP. Sorry, I was bitten by the sensationalist bug there for a second.

In reality, the accident was pretty bad… for the motorcyclist and a pedestrian. Lamar and Khloe – or Khlomar, as they’ve asked me to call them – are just fine.

The cyclist is now in ELMHURST hospital in Queens. Early reports are that a YOUNG BOY – who was a pedestrian IN THE VICINITY when the accident occurred was also SERIOUSLY INJURED.

We’re told that neither Lamar, nor his wife Khloe Kardashian who is in NYC with him, were injured. (Via Media Takeout)

Seriously, the people at Media Takeout write like they have Tourette’s, but the main emphasis in this report is on Khloe being unharmed. Mainly because it would have been remarkable for her to be injured when she wasn’t even with her husband. But I know I shouldn’t be surprised that a tabloid gossip site like MTO would stoop to posting misleading headlines to attract traffic (says the guy throwing out 50-page slideshows of Kate Upton’s big ol’ bags) but I expect a little more out of Huffington Post. I’m not sure why, but I do. As for MTO, though, I think the site’s ambitious headline writing and target audience can best be summed up by commenter, urboysdreamgirl504…

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It is being reported today that American Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps, winner of 8 gold medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics, is dating a Canadian. While competing at the Canada Cup recently, Phelps was seen holding hands with Ashley Firestone, who is undoubtedly Canadian intelligence and looking to flip Phelps. Even worse, it is believed that the couple has been together for at least the past two years, while Phelps was making us believe that he was dating quality, wholesome American beauty queens and Las Vegas bar staff.

According to the Daily Mail:

‘Their relationship started a little over two years ago when they met staying at the same hotel in South Beach over New Years,’ the insider said.

‘Ashley [Who has a boy's name - Ed.] has always been concerned with showing Michael that she would keep their relationship on the down-low and private first and foremost.’

‘She stayed with Michael at Hotel Auberge Universel for the whole weekend and even got VIP tickets to his race for her and her friends’

Phelps was recently linked to a few other women – American women – including Miss California USA 2009 Carrie Prejean, who caused a stir with her opposition to gay marriage a few years back, but more recently her successor, Miss California USA 2010 Nicole Johnson. While I can’t fault Phelps for doing the damn thing, to borrow a Doritos-stained phrase from Jason Whitlock, I must warn that if Canada continues to use its women as weapons against our most prominent athletes, we will have no choice but to send Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry after them.

In the meantime, here’s a brief look back at Phelps’ past conquests. I recommend you listen to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” for best results.

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Over the weekend, Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh had his bachelor party in Las Vegas, and he and his friends dubbed it, “The Hangover 3”. Get it? Like the movies. You know, the two movies about the group of friends who get drugged and have an outlandish adventure only to have to piece it back together the next day to find their missing friend? Just like that. Except nothing like that at all.

According to the New York Post, Bosh and friends started the weekend off at a shooting range to blow off steam, and then followed it up with a Criss Angel magic show at which Bosh was used in one trick (the levitating ostrich?), a pool party at Tao, gambling, a paintball game, and a Mark Curry comedy show. Someone get me a new pair of pants because I couldn’t even handle writing about all that fun.

So why are we hearing about it just now?

Notably absent were Bosh’s teammates LeBron James and Dwyane Wade.

OK, let’s start with reality…

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Kim Kardashian recently wrapped up her miserable failure World AIDS Day fundraiser by taking time out to update E! Online about her dating life. And she’s back to ruining the value of another professional athlete. This time her victim is New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries. No offense to Kris, as I’m sure he’s a good guy, but Kim has clearly gone from Red Lobster to Long John Silver’s.

Kim told the people who provide news to morons that she’s been enjoying the single life, so this more than likely means that Humphries, who has never averaged more than 24 minutes per game in a season, is just a bench spot speed bump on the highway to HPV supremacy. Kardashian, who is famous because she made a sex tape with a rapper we’d never heard of, also said that she’s done ruining the careers of NFL players. Responded everyone who had Miles Austin in fantasy football this season, “Gee, thanks.”

“No,” she replied when I asked her if she’s hesitant to date another pro at the launch of her Brissmor watch line last night, “But I probably would never date a footballer again!” Apparently hooking up with the likes of Reggie Bush and Miles Austin has ruined the NFL for her! (Via E! Online)

ROFL! It’s funny because she ruined the NFL for them, too. At least Reggie got a Super Bowl victory for his career before her obvious witch spell completed his transformation to completely useless fumbletard. As for Austin, he barely dated the girl and he’s having an entirely forgettable season. Poor Kris. He’s averaging just over 7 points per game as it is. He could end up negative. Although, there are worse things than dating a Kardashian and being declared negative.

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While most of the country is honoring World AIDS Day or the 55th anniversary of Rosa Parks’ refusal to give up her seat on a Montgomery bus, I’ve been looking at stories about boners and hair plugs. My parents are seriously proud. But poor old Tom Brady was back in the tabloids yesterday, as on the same day that it was announced that he would be the new face and product consultant for the men’s line of UGG – those terrible oversized boots that girls seem to think are necessary in Florida – the National Enquirer has “reported” that the New England Patriots quarterback has recently been tracked to a hair transplant specialist in Rhode Island. Ah scenic Rhode Island, the Ocean Hair Plug State.

According to the NY Daily News, the Enquirer’s “reporters” discovered that Brady has been visiting Dr. Robert Leonard at the request of his wife, Gisele Bundchen, to keep his alleged bald spot from affecting their beautiful couple image. Leonard apparently made some remarks to the Boston Herald about Brady’s bald pattern two years ago, and the Daily News even gave an advertorial received an expert opinion from a local doctor:

Dr. Robert Bernstein restored Bob’s hair [Bob is an unnamed person who gives an almighty testimonial to Bernstein’s work, hooray validation! – Ed.]. The doc’s customers swear only their hairdressers know for sure they had it done.

Asked how Brady might fare, Bernstein said that judging by recent photos, it appears “he has good growth” and enough hair for a successful transplant.

There you have it. While some of us may be waiting patiently to watch what should be the Monday Night Football game of the year, as the Patriots play the New York Jets, the New York and national gossip media are taking care of the matter at hand – Brady’s stupid haircut. Who cares if Brady has a bald spot? A lot of people look good bald – Matt Hasselbeck, Bruce Willis, Britney Spears. Tom should embrace nature and scoff at his critics. Besides, being bald would make him more aerodynamic and would allow him to demand penalty flags with greater precision.