Now that the 2012 Summer Olympics are behind us, we can officially say the same for Michael Phelps, he of the 22 Olympic medal fame. That is, unless he plans to show up to Rio for the 2016 games and be that bro who just comes back to chill with the younger bros and teach them a thing or two, but in either case he’s done competing at the Olympics. That means it’s time to start tearing him apart after we’ve all done so much to build him up.

Enter: The National Enquirer and its mynah bird, The Daily Mail. According to super secret inside sources and “a poker-playing friend” of Phelps, the 27-year old has taken quite the liking to professional poker – as evidenced by that above photo from 2008 and all of the times we’ve seen him playing poker since – and they’re worried that his wealth is in danger of his eagerness to gamble. I guess he really is the Michael Jordan of swimming. *high fives porpoise*

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I have a shocking and incredible news flash for you – people love attractive female athletes. I know that some female athletes have complained in the past that they don’t like to be objectified or seen as sex objects, but deep down they know it’s unavoidable. That’s why so many other female athletes embrace it. But that won’t stop people from acting like we’re the bad guys for posting some videos, pictures, and GIFs of an attractive girl, despite the fact that we also pointed out that she’s incredible at her sport.

Enter The Daily Mail, which picked up the story of Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke, who has absolutely shattered Internet records for becoming an instant sensation. Not since Allison Stokke have we seen someone become this amazingly popular and cherished in a matter of hours. From the moment we posted her video on Wednesday, the footage of Michelle dancing before she won the second heat of the Women’s 100 metres hurdles at the 14th IAAF World Junior Championships redefined viral.

And hey, look at us, we’re famous now. For being perverts, or something.

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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This is why we can’t have nice things, Internet.

Tim Tebow, as we all know very well by now, is a good Christian boy with strong morals and ethics that he has used to develop himself into one heck of a role model and successful professional athlete. And because it all boils down to his religion, he has quickly become the most polarizing person in professional sports. That means one thing – page views like a mother f*cker.

Nobody knows that more than gossip sites, which thrive on being able to make up anything they want, attribute it all to “sources close to *insert celebrity’s name*” and just sit back and watch the traffic numbers roll up. It’s basically the opposite of when I post about my love for the German Fencing League. (Soon enough, Hans and Friedrich.)

Enter OK! Magazine, Hollywood Life and dozens of other sites that yesterday circulated some version of this “news” with headlines suggesting that Tebow was possibly dating not-even-completely-divorced-yet pop star Katy Perry.

“[Katy's] mentioned on more than one occasion how much she likes Tim,” a source tells OK! magazine.”Katy’s mom firmly believes the best cure for heartache is to quickly fall in love again… In her mind, Tebow is the perfect guy for her daughter. He’s handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.”

Katy’s parents have gone as far as inviting Tim to speak at the church Katy used to sing at in Huntington Beach, Calif. Of course — when Katy will be there!

So a “source” told a magazine that’s name makes absolutely ZERO sense that Tebow is a good Christian that is easy on the eyes. Who was the source – anyone with a pulse? Have we finally reached a point that I can just say that a “source” told me whatever I want people to believe?

If that’s the case, a source told me Mike Vick is dating Casey Anthony. Another source told me that Mitt Romney has a sex tape with Lindsay Lohan and yet another source told me that LeBron James has an illegitimate child with Kirstie Alley and it was born with pineapples for hands. Hey, I’m just telling you what my sources told me.

Last we checked in on Canadian pop superstar Justin Bieber, he was skating with the Toronto Maple Leafs as part of the Children’s Wish Foundation of Canada’s efforts to make a young girl’s dream come true, before he headed off to hand out food at the Daily Bread Food Bank. After all of that, he recorded a Christmas special for a Canadian TV station, and everyone was all, “Aw what a good kid who has more money than most African nations.”

So of course he deserved to take a little time off last night and have some fun at a Toronto Raptors game – as he was still in town after his grandparents were in a serious car accident. But those darn Raptors had to spoil the fun by sucking losing to the Indiana Pacers, 90-85.

However, the news isn’t that Bieber was at a game or that he wears his pants halfway down his ass like a schmuck. Nope, the tabloids are going crazy today because someone took a picture of J-Biebz looking in the general direction of the attractive female Raptors dancers. WHAT WILL SELENA GOMEZ THINK? OH THE HUMANITY! WHERE IS OUR GOD NOW? THE WORLD IS ENDING!

I need more coffee.

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The other day I was at Publix, purchasing my daily requirements of condoms and bacon when I saw the latest tabloid rags bagging on the Kardashian Klan for what we all knew was the fakest marriage since Liza Minelli and David Guest. Of course, only weeks ago, the same magazines were calling the marriage of Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets mouth breather Kris Humphries the American version of the Royal Wedding. My point is that tabloids can all fist themselves.

But it was only a matter of time before the Kardashian spin machine, run spectacularly by matriarch Kris Jenner, got the rags back on the family’s side. Enter US Weekly, which is pathetically trying to convince us that not only was the marriage real, but Humphries was a total dick.

After lavishly tying the knot Aug. 20, Kardashian’s hubby soaked up the perks of being married to one of the most successful reality stars ever — staying out late at clubs in NYC and L.A., and demanding free bottle service and more wherever he went.

Even worse? He could be downright cruel to Kardashian, 31. “He belittled her in front of people,” one insider tells Us. “He’d call her stupid. It was truly sickening.”

Humphries also allegedly called Kardashian a “fat ass” which would be terrible if it weren’t totally true. But the main point here is that US wants people to believe that Humphries is an a-hole. I probably would if it weren’t for the fact that we know every second of their relationship was fake.

We know that Kim’s people reached out to Danilo Gallinari before she settled on Humphries, and we know that she had the engagement ring that Humphries “gave her” for at least two years before they even got engaged. We also know that the Kardashians received at least $17 million for their wedding on E! and we know that the entire family is nothing but a bunch of unapologetic fame whores. So please, lonely women who watch their terrible TV shows and encourage their celebrity status, let the Kardashians slip away into nothingness.

If not for the fact that they are worthless and offer nothing to organized society, then do it for the fact that they tried to get “Dancing With the Stars” viewers to vote for Rob Kardashian over an American soldier who was wounded for his country.