I’ve prepared separate intro blurbs, depending on who you are. Find the one that is most appropriate for you!

I Don’t Watch Glee: I know, I know. Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV, featuring the first show I’ve ever watched specifically for the benefit of the column, FOX’s ‘Glee’. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a show your niece probably watched two or three years ago about a glee club at a Lima, Ohio, high school who interpret their feelings via reality-warping musical numbers. If you’ve never seen it and know what it is, yeah, it’s not great. However, if you’re a regular reader of the column, you’ll hopefully have a little faith in my writing/ability to write aggressively about stuff that sucks, so take a look through this one anyway. You’ll find a lot of funny jokes, a few pictures of hot girls and at least one video of zombie football players. That’s something, right?

I Watch Glee, And I Love It: Welcome to this week’s Sports On TV column, wherein I rag on that show you like because it’s not aimed at my intelligence level or demographic. Please read through the moments I’ve selected, tear apart any inaccuracies in my analysis, and show it to all of your friends so they can do the same. Make it really virally popular so nobody who likes ‘Glee’ will ever come here again!

I Watch Glee (Or Have Watched Glee) And Do Not Like It: You’re probably going to love this.

So please click through and enjoy the 20 greatest sports moments of ‘Glee’. *unnecessary bell ringing sound*

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"Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS."

One of the strangest and most precious gems from this weekend was discovering that Pulp Fiction slash The Avengers slash Star Wars slash everything else star Samuel L. Jackson loves the 2012 Summer Olympics and can’t stop tweeting about them.

It’s important to stress that this is not a parody, and that these are real tweets from @SamuelLJackson. They cover everything from handball to sync diving to Malaysian badminton, all with Jackson’s contractually obligated tendency to shoehorn curse words into anything he’s saying. The guy works in “f**k” like Jackson Pollock worked in drip. He spells it however he wants, puts it wherever he wants whether it makes sense or not and sometimes ends up with a mangle of consonants because he’s SAMUEL L. MARGHFAGGUIN JACKSON.

Normally I’d want to provide some kind of commentary or context for these, but that’d be like touching a baby bird. Two major warnings before you proceed:

1. These tweets may contain harsh language, and reader discretion is advised.

2. These tweets may contain language you did not know existed.

Please enjoy 20 of the best Sam Jackson tweets from this weekend, and join us every day between now and the end of the Olympics for 20 more.

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This might be the first synchronized swimming post in the history of this site (swimmers aren’t much for DUIs, and when one of them did get caught smoking pot, it was national news). But it’s not every day you see Spanish chicks swimming around to Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven.” Unless you live in Spain…yeah, it probably happens all the time there. But they’re still more athletes than poker players are. Now where did I stash those water wings?via.

“Wow! More pantsless guys with binoculars!”

This is the exact same thing as yesterday’s update on Bia and Branca Feres, except with less news and different pictures.  And considering yesterday’s “news” was just speculation about a report written in Portuguese, it’s pretty impressive that this is less news.

So in order to make this look and sound like a story, I want you to think of the theme to the old “Batman” TV show.  Ready?  Nahnah-nahnah-nahnah-nahnah-nahnah-nahnah-nahnah-nahnah SWIMSUITS!

SWIMSUITS!

SWIMSUITS!

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Everyone’s favorite Brazilian twin synchronized swimmers, Bia and Branca Feres, are back in the news.  Busted Coverage revealed that, uh, well… hmmm.  Busted Coverage revealed absolutely no news at all, because they don’t speak Portuguese and thus can’t decipher the news story they found.  As best as I can tell, their new show on Brazilian MTV aired for the first time yesterday.

Now, you may be asking yourself, “Wait, if they’re hosting a TV show, are they going to be fully clothed?”  And the answer is a resounding No, absolutely not.  Keep in mind that these women are serious competitive synchronized swimmers, and therefore they never get out of skimpy bikinis, is what I’ve convinced myself.

New video of the Killer B’s working the MTV mic, plus new photos, after the jump.

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Busted Coverage has a semi-translated update on Bia and Branca Feres, the Brazilian synchronized swimming twins who have become extremely popular in demographics favoring sexy young Brazilian twins.  Supposedly the girls will be featured in some kind of program next summer, and any other details are pretty moot considering you don’t get Brazilian MTV.

In other Feres news, they’re presently the overwhelming favorites to win InGameNow’s Sexiest Athlete bracket.  And I think I speak for everyone when I say, no shit.  Anna Kournikova is nice and all, but last time I counted her I still ended at one.  I’m no mathlete, but I’m pretty sure twins are more than that.

(ultimate Feres galleries here and here)