Even though Jim Tressel’s torso is well-insulated on game day, it hasn’t stopped members of his team from being paranoid about a flu outbreak, so he’s taught his team a way to shake hands that will surely be embraced by overrated underachievers everywhere.

Jim Tressel said, “S’happening,” today.[..] The slang was in reference to the “elbow bumps,” actually more like forearm bumps, that the Ohio State training staff is recommending Ohio State football players employ in place of handshakes as the Buckeyes hope to prevent passing the flu through the team.[..]

OSU punter Jon Thoma was sick for Saturday’s game against Toledo, but Tressel didn’t know if that had been identified as a strain of H1N1 flu. There are no other reports of sick Ohio State players at the moment. via.

Tressel also endorses pulling out after sex, which is great if you’re ever in, you know, a woman’s presence. I don’t see what the big deal about that is. As long as you finish before they wake up, they really don’t seem to care.

Two state high school athletic associations have postponed events after residents in Texas and Alabama were reported stricken with the H1N1 influenza strain that everyone insists on calling swine flu, even though the virus isn’t communicable through ingestion of pork products. Having sex with a pig might do it, but a runny nose would be the least of your worries at that point.

On Tuesday, Texas officials postponed all public high school athletic and academic competitions on Wednesday until May 11 because of the swine flu outbreak.

School officials say 53,000 students are out of school due to concern over the virus, and dozens of schools were closed to be sanitized. With 16 confirmed cases of swine flu in Texas, Gov. Rick Perry announced a disaster declaration Wednesday for the entire state.

Wouldn’t it be so much trendier to catch a flu bug called “H1N1?” It’s sounds like the name of one of those clubs in Manhattan. You could have people on a velvet rope outside waiting to get infected. It’s not like the virus actually came from pigs. I had a pizza with bacon on it for dinner last night, and yet I’m still alive. But then again I wasn’t not drinking out of some toilet in Mexico, either.

I haven’t read much about this new “swine flu” “epidemic,” (sorry, I have a life) but I was a bit surprised to learn that this particular slice of real life invaded the UEFA Champions League tournament when Arsenal had one of their players quarantined by his own team in fears of a swine flu outbreak. From the monolith:

Vela, 20, was told to stay away from the Gunners’ training session following a visit by some friends from Mexico, where more than 150 deaths have been blamed on the virus.

Mexico is the centre of the outbreak of the disease and Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said: “It looked to be a massive problem because we were asked yesterday to keep him at home and not get him to the training ground.”

The AP reports that more than 60 cases of the H1N1 virus commonly referred to swine flu have been reported in the US so far. Whatever. This is like anthrax all over again, where everyone goes bananas for a few months but the casualties are barely significant. Kinda like when a 16-year-old girl gets her driver’s license or when Tony Danza puts out a new show. There’s a low supply of Tony Danza vaccine this season. Get yourself immunized early.