On Sunday, the world seemed right again, as Metta World Peace turned back into the Ron Artest of old by laying a vicious elbow to the side of James Harden’s head. Artest said that the elbow was an accident – that he was just caught up in the moment after a big slam dunk – and he even Tweeted his oh-so-sincere regrets about the whole situation. Of course, his Tweets were probably borne from damage control, but hey – it’s the thought that counts.

For some reason, it took NBA commissioner David Stern two days to hand down a punishment for the elbow that had left Harden with a concussion, but Artest will miss the next seven games, including the Los Angeles Lakers’ final regular season action and the playoffs. If the Lakers are bounced from the playoffs before that suspension is up, it will carry over into next season. So yeah, Artest has learned his lesson. Again.

“I apologize to the Oklahoma City Thunder fans and the OKC organization,” World Peace wrote on ronartest.com. “I look foward (sic) to getting back on the floor with my teammates and competing for the Lakers fans.” (Via the Associated Press)

Responded Harden, “The strawberries touched the paper jam, pterodactyl Skittles surprise!” As for Stern, how did he and league officials come to their conclusion on this terrible incident, which marks Artest’s third major suspension? Just protecting the players, y’all.

“The concussion suffered by James Harden demonstrates the danger posed by violent acts of this kind, particularly when they are directed at the head area,” Stern said in a statement. “We remain committed to taking necessary measures to protect the safety of NBA players, including the imposition of appropriate penalties for players with a history of on-court altercations.”

Since Artest clearly has a problem that can only be contained for so long before he can’t control it anymore, here’s a fun suggestion – suspend him 7 games plus however many games Harden misses. Oh, and get the guy some serious, daily psychiatric help. And maybe wrap his arms in foam or bubble tape. And have animal trappers on hand to sedate him after big plays. Or, you know, just let him come back and do it all over again.

(Delightfully edited banner GIF via.)

We’ve already shared a gallery of depressing pictures from Thursday’s Browns/Steelers game and an even more depressing set about their fans, so it’s no surprise that game’s head-to-softer-head collision that concussed Browns quarterback Colt McCoy would lead somewhere depressing, no matter what side you’re on — the league has decided to celebrate James Harrison’s fifth illegal hit against a quarterback in the past three seasons by making him the first player suspended for helmet-to-helmet since the rule’s emphasis.

“We’re disappointed, we’re disappointed for James,” Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said Monday. “Because we know, quite frankly, how hard he’s worked to play within the rules. He’s worked extremely hard to adjust his game. Unfortunately, the incident did happen, it was a penalty, we have to be accountable for that. He has to be accountable for that.”

The suspension is effective immediately, but Harrison has requested an expedited hearing and they’ve set a date for his appeal. Oh, and in case you wonder how he feels about the whole thing:

I guess rolling on the floor would’ve been seen as insincere.

If you missed the hit, you can check out the video below.

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… but then she cried and they found out her fantasy league was full of made-up players without faces, so they’re probably just going to let her play.

Jim Tressel, however, is not so lucky. In a good and fair move (in response to a move that seemed pretty shifty), the Indianapolis Colts have decided to suspend the employment of their new gameday consultant and former Ohio State head coach for the first six games of the season, giving him more or less the same treatment ex-OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor got when the league suspended him for five. The move was reportedly Tressel’s own, decided upon after meeting with the team.

A statement from Colts president Bill Polian included the following, so decide how phony you think everyone is as you go:

“After the announcement of Coach Jim Tressel’s agreement to join the Colts as a game day consultant, questions were raised with respect to the equity of his appointment as opposed to suspensions being served this season by present and former Ohio State players.

“Over the weekend Coach Tressel, Mr. Irsay, Coach Caldwell and I had a discussion of the issue. In addition, we had a conversation with league officials to apprise them of the details of Coach Tressel’s employment and the issues we were reviewing.

“At Coach Tressel’s suggestion, and with Mr. Irsay’s concurrence and support, we have decided to begin Coach Tressel’s employment effective with our seventh regular season game. We have informed the league office of our decision and expect that they will be supportive of it.

“We are very happy Coach Tressel will be joining us.”

I’m still not 100-percent on the whole “getting suspended by the NFL for NCAA violations” thing, and as Yahoo commenter soxfannh astutely put it before deciding to use the word “retarded”, it’s like “being sent home from a job at Burger King because you dropped a few hamburger buns on the floor while you worked at McDonald’s”. Tressel making the noble choice to sit as punishment for crimes they wouldn’t have hired him in the NFL over if anyone actually cared about them seems like a really empty gesture, and only works as appropriate when you consider the logic gaps it fills in and the class difference it helps balance. You either have to care about the violations or not care about them. Don’t hire him if he did a bunch of bad stuff, or hire him in spite of the bad stuff because it doesn’t matter. One or the other.

Besides, does anyone really think Tressel is going to wake up on the morning after game six and feel like he’s finally paid back his debt to society? Is he going to go straight, only to be drawn back in for one big score when an Indy car dealership decides to cut him a deal because they like the Colts?

[h/t everyone around to write about sports on Labor Day]

Yes, someone does have some time out coming. *zing*

Ohio State University has suspended football coach Jim Tressel two games and fined him $250,000 because he not only knew about five of his players selling autographs and merchandise to a local tattoo parlor, but he also failed to report it to the university’s compliance department or athletic director Gene Smith for more than 9 months. The NCAA, however, is still investigating the Buckeyes and the school’s flimsy punishment could be overturned in favor of a harsher penalty. And we all know that nobody punishes a top tier football program like the NCAA.

In reposnse, Tressel got all weepy on us, offering these free rides on the whaaaaambulance:

“Obviously I’m disappointed that this happened at all,” Tressel said. “I take my responsibility for what we do at Ohio State tremendously seriously and for the game of football. I plan to grow from this. I’m sincerely saddened by the fact that I let some people down and didn’t do things as well as I possibly could have.”

“I think that your No. 1 critic is yourself,” he said, tears welling in his eyes at a Tuesday night news conference. “You spend time thinking about how you can do things better. I don’t think less of myself at this moment. I felt at the time as if I was doing the right thing for the safety of the young people and the overall situation.” (Via Fox News)

And of course by the “right thing” he means seeing an email on his computer screen from an attorney telling him that his players done goofed, and simply covering it with a game of Minesweeper. Tressel said that the thought of resigning has not even occurred to him, which is good because it will make his firing so much more fun. I’m kidding, of course, because even with the damning evidence of the emails, nothing else is going to happen to him and OSU will still start the season 2-0.

Check out the emails after the jump…

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Memphis Grizzlies player O.J. Mayo, who you might remember earlier this year as that guy who did not pay what he owe (I f-cking love that video), was suspended yesterday for 10 games when he tested positive for a substance not allowed in the league. This is pretty surprising for a guy who has kept out of controversy for most of his basketball career.

The league announced the suspension Thursday for Mayo’s positive test for dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA). Mayo’s suspension will start Friday night when the Grizzlies visit Philadelphia, and he will be able to return Feb. 15 also against the 76ers in Memphis.

Mayo said in a statement released by the team that he is extremely disappointed he will miss 10 games as the Grizzlies are making a push for the playoffs. He blamed an over the counter supplement that he didn’t know was banned by the NBA for the positive test.-ajc.com.

If you ask a doctor (or look it up on Wikipedia like I did), you’ll find that DHEA is indeed a steroid, which means that yes, Memphis journalists, you can use all those headlines combining “O.J.” and “juice” that you’ve been saving ever since O.J. Simpson left the sports world. I’m a simple man who enjoys the more refined side of rap, so “O.J. DA JUICEMAN” is perfectly fine with me. And yes, I worked entirely way too hard on that header picture. That was, like, 15 minutes. Do you know how valuable my time is? Don’t answer that.