Tommy John Is The Grossest Person In History

Written by Brandon Stroud / 07.27.12

Todd Coffey Tommy John surgery

Take a good, long look at Los Angeles Dodgers reliever Todd Coffey’s elbow. Notice how it looks like a perfectly normal elbow, and not like something from your nightmares?

Coffey tweeted a picture of what his elbow looks like now, immediately following Tommy John surgery. For those of you who might not be familiar with Tommy John surgery, it’s a surgical graft procedure in which a ligament in the medial elbow is replaced with a tendon from elsewhere in the body and they add a bunch of braces and sew it up to look like the ass-to-mouth-end of a Human Centipede.

That picture has been included after the jump, because I don’t want you to scroll down the main page looking for Kate Upton galleries and start throwing up everywhere.

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Adrian Peterson Is The New Kirk Cameron

Written by Ashley Burns / 01.02.12

Back in October, my Italian cousin Vince at FilmDrunk gave us a glimpse inside of former “Growing Pains” star and current Tim Tebow superfan Kirk Cameron’s incredibly boring birthday party that featured a small cake, some $5 footlongs from Subway, and poor, poor Belinda. Well Cameron’s going to need to kill someone at his next party to win the Saddest Party Award this year, because Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson’s New Year’s Eve party was about as sad as they get, according to some pictures he posted on Twitter.

Peterson, who signed a 7-year, $100 million contract extension this season, spent his New Year in the hospital, recovering from surgery on his knee, after he tore both his ACL and MCL against the Washington Redskins in Week 16. Doctors and experts claim that this type of surgery will take at least 8 months for a full recovery, which would put AP’s return right around the start of the season, but he would realistically might not be ready to play until Week 4 or 5. Of course, AP isn’t the average RB so he fully believes that he’ll be ready to start the 2012 season. And maybe if he’s really lucky, the Vikings will be ready to play as well.

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Paging Dr. Spaceman, Paging Dr. Spaceman

Written by Ashley Burns / 12.30.11

Of course the only picture I could find of Alex Rodriguez's doctor has Nick Nolte in it.

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently took a little trip to Germany to meet with Dr. Peter Wehling, who is the former doctor of Pope John Paul II and the guy who made Kobe Bryant’s knee feel better last year. Wehling is operating on – or has operated on, depending on the time zone difference – Rodriguez’s knee and shoulder, which have both been hampering the All-Star’s ability to perform at the level of a man who is paid $27.5 million per year. If you’re a Yankees fan, you should probably feel good about this because Wehling has a reputation for being legit.

And Wehling knows that his reputation is great, because he also makes some pretty ridiculous claims like:

“I am the only one to have found a way to cure arthritis,” he said. (Via ESPN)

I couldn’t ever become a doctor because if I see blood, I turn into a 3-year old girl. But if I were a doctor, I would want to be like Wehling. Whether he can or can’t cure arthritis won’t mean much to me for another decade or so, but if I had been the man responsible for keeping Pope J.P. the Deuce alive until the ripe age of 85, I’d be a little boastful, too.

Like, I’d walk into bars and tell the first hot girl I saw that she looks like she might have Shlarvenblarvenblitis, and she’d say, “I don’t know what that is, is it deadly?” And I’d respond, “It could be, but the only way to cure it is for you to rub your breasts in my face.” Then I’d high five the Pope and tell A-Rod to sock a few dingers.

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Chris Simms is Maybe Tougher than I Thought

Written by Matt / 09.25.06

So Chris Simms no longer has a spleen. He played the entire 4th quarter of the Bucs' loss to the Panthers with his ruptured spleen bleeding all over his other organs. Nice work by the Tampa team doctors there: Aw, you just got your ribs banged up! Quit cryin' and get back out there! Chris Simms could have fucking died, and the doctors couldn't diagnose him. Maybe the Bucs should hire a physician who didn't get his M.D. from the Caribbean.

I don't want to take away from Chrissy's toughness — really, that was a, uh, gutsy performance — but let's not forget how much he was sucking before this happened. Two games, zero TDs, six interceptions. This potentially season-ending injury will be a nice distraction from how badly he was playing. Really, it's almost Culpepperesque. Chris should take this opportunity to force a trade, get a new contract, and singlehandedly sink the playoff hopes of some other team.

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