Fuel’s Ultimate Answers segment (which I’ll pretend is entirely written and organized by Brittney Palmer) asked a bunch of UFC fighters which superhero they would be. Some of the answers are surprisingly nerdy — Rashad Evans earns endless cool points from me for wanting to be Nightcrawler, and Demetrious Johnson has a pretty solid understanding of how the Green Lantern’s ring works — but some are just straight-up meathead terrible, like Donald Cerrone saying he wants to be “The Invisible Man” (direct quote: “OM BE VISIBLE MAN”).
The funniest offense is from Brodus Clay Tito ORTIZ, who says he wants to be “Beastman” from the X-Men because of his intelligence. As YouTube user Kevin Hall points out, “he’s actually called Beast, so there goes your intelligence.” I like to think that Tito got the name right and instead got the TEAM wrong, and really just wants to be Beastman from ‘He-Man and the Masters of the Universe’. “I wanna be a big orange guy who looks kinda scary, but sucks and never accomplishes anything, and is less effective a henchman than the guy with a robot mouth and a mer-man in a breastplate!” Jenna Jameson could be either of those two.
Oh, and before I forget, f**k BJ Penn for wanting to be Superman because he’s “better than all the other superheroes”. If I get to pick, I’m being Captain Marvel, so I can kick BJ Penn’s ass.
I’ll be spending Monday sitting at an airport/sitting on an airplane back to Austin, so please be exponentially less bored than me by perusing the morning links and/or watching this commercial on loop for the next 20 hours.
Reebok Broke, Reebok Broke: Company Agrees To Pay $25 Million In Toning Shoe Refunds - R.I.P., Reebok, I will always remember you in your better days, when you tried to sell me shoes by having Shawn Kemp dunk on a robot in a game of Killer Instinct and then scream to destroy him. [Smoking Section]
Today’s Column: How Moneyball the Movie Became the Opposite of Moneyball the Concept - I still haven’t seen this. I’m a bad sports blogger. I’m going to try to recreate the experience by sitting in a pitch black room and listening to an A’s game on the radio. [Film Drunk]
Jose Canseco And Octomom Sitting In A Tree - In case you missed it yesterday, the Octomom is probably the most legitimately weird person to ever be famous for something, and Jose Canseco thinks he’s good at fighting people, but he isn’t. Also, lol Coolio. [With Leather]
How Many Awkward Patrick Swayze Jokes Are in ’50/50′? - I love you, Anna Kendrick, like a real, lasting love, so I’m going to go see this movie you’re in, and you have to repay me by being super nice to me should we ever meet. Not weird-nice, just pleasant and happy, because Lord, I sat through this movie. [Moviefone]
Here Are The Nick Offerman High School Yearbook Photos Ron Swanson Fans Have Been Clamoring For - Nick Offerman isn’t a real person. I’m convinced Ron Swanson is a S1mone situation and his high school yearbook pictures are just part of the false memories. [UPROXX]
The Most Ridiculous Covers of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane - Comic books were awesome as hell before people like Judd Winick grew up and got put in charge of them. [Gamma Squad]
Creepily Specific, Poorly Made ‘Simpsons’ Cosplay to Haunt Your Dreams - I don’t do the “well, gonna have nightmares!” joke a lot, so please know it is not a joke when I say this is going to give me nightmares. Jesus Christ. [Warming Glow]
Meme Watch: Pug On A Slide Wins The Internet Today - Pretty sure this would win the Internet on any day. I get worried for pugs when they’re trying to walk forward, much less when they’re put on playground equipment. [UPROXX]
Awesome Quotes From 11 Famous Writers On Censorship - Important words to share with you from a website where the Dockers people will get mad and pull their ads if I type the f-word without stars over the U and C. [Buzzfeed]
Popeye’s Scoop Shaped Dippable Fried Chicken Is a Real Thing - “What part of the chicken is a NUGGET??” the commercials ask. I don’t know, what part of the chicken is the “popcorn”? What part of the chicken comes out looking like a Frito, you psychopaths? [The Daily What]
28 Hi-Def Calvin and Hobbes Wallpapers - Just because. [Unreality]
Ah, the first Monday NFL hangover of 2011. And what a Sunday it was, friends. We’ll soon be discussing all sorts of things like last night’s poopfest between Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo, as well as all the college football drama you can swallow. In the meantime, enjoy these links.
(and just like these girls, we want to thank the fire fighters and place men)
Who The Heck Are These Guys: The FilmDrunk Guide To Happy Madison - Every entry should just be “gets to make movies because he’s friends with Adam Sandler”, but you don’t really get to those guys until page 4. [Film Drunk]
‘Home Improvement’ Reunion: Jonathan Taylor Thomas Turns 30 - And he looks weird. Welcome to your future, Bieber. Now do Wild America 2. |Warming Glow|
The Internet Improves Upon The Art Of The Old Masters with Fat Cat Photoshops - Children 80 years from now are gonna be learning that cats were actually in these paintings, and it’s all our fault. We’re creating Idiocracy by accident, people. [Gamma Squad]
Internet Rallies To Help Mentally Disabled Man Whose Superman Collection Was Stolen - Sometimes the Internet is a cool place. Although really, who steals a Superman collection from a mentally disabled person? There are like eight different questions of “why” in that. [UPROXX]
Wait, There’s a Postapocalyptic Porn? And It’s Serious? - Yeah right, like you didn’t know this was a thing. How hard is it to put some buttf**king in a remake of The Road? Not very. [Gamma Squad]
All Of The Musicians You Were Conceived To Reunite For Hilarity - I like David D., but he is severely overestimating my parents if he thinks they were doing it to Jodeci. My parents conceived me to Andrew Gold, pretty sure. [Smoking Section]
South Park Guys Crash NYU Writing Class - I would give any amount of money for Trey Parker to crash something I’m doing. I don’t care if I’m doing open heart sugery, I want him to lean in the room and yell DOOK ERR JERBSSSS. [Warming Glow[
Of Course Bridesmaids Has A Porn Parody - Torrent or it didn't happen. Why can't Kristen Wiig be in this one? [Film Drunk]
Meet the Real Life Russian Barbie Doll - Feel like I’ve already met this lady like 40 times. [Buzzfeed]
Daughter of F1 boss spends $1.6 million on crystal bathtub, says “it’s worth it” - This is how I felt when I paid 15 dollars for the pot holder that looks like Pac-Man. [FARK]
Rumor: Henry Cavill’s Too-Sexy ‘Man of Steel’ Suit May Have to Go - Rumor: somebody finally realized they were making another goddamn Superman movie and nobody is going to pay to see it, so they’ve got to call “too much bulge” and shut it down. [Moviefone]
16 Celebrities Who Fled the Midwest For Hollywood - I want to see somebody make a list of the 16,000 other people who did this and ended up selling t-shirts on the side of the road. [The Smoking Jacket]