"I know I look like a tool, but I will beat the pee out of you."
As a mixed martial arts fighter, Ben Fodor knows a thing or two about being invincible, what with his whole 11-0 career record. Unfortunately, when Fodor decided to take up the alter ego of “Phoenix Jones”, a so-called “superhero” and crimefighter in Seattle, we kind of stopped caring about whatever it is that Fodor likes to do in the octagon.
But now, fine citizens of the Emerald City and the general Lynnwood area, Jones needs your help. He’s expanding his operation to take down more than just Klu Klux Karl, and you just might be his next sidekick.
Wonderfully, this story about Bellator and ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ star Nick Ring creates its own category: MMA guys who stumble upon a gang trying to mug a couple and turn into Rorschach from Watchmen about it. The story, by way of the Calgary Herald with a hat-tip to Cage Potato:
Calgary’s own UFC fighter, Nick Ring, who had just finished a yoga session and went to Starbucks to get a coffee, saw an assault across the street and he wasn’t about to let it go.
Ring – a 33-year-old mixed martial arts fighter who is gearing up for UFC 149 in Calgary next month – was leaving the coffee shop at Mac leod Trail and 94th Avenue when he thought he saw a group of about 10 people beating up a couple to steal the girl’s backpack.
“I did not like what I saw and I wasn’t going to stand around and watch that happen. It was a crime and it was completely wrong,” said Ring.
“I’m not going to let anything like that happen if I’ve got anything to say about it. Not a chance.”
According to the report, the violence started when the female victim gave a “dirty look” to one of the assailants. That led to her having her hair pulled and being kneed in the face, because apparently Canada is just as crazy and f**ked up as everywhere else. Her boyfriend was being held back and beaten up. Ring stepped in, and not only did he break up the fight, he simultaneously chased down multiple assailants and called the police, who showed up and arrested another half-dozen.
If that’s not enough to justify putting Ring in a trenchcoat and letting him shoot grappling hooks at peoples’ chests, his dramatic monologue might be:
It puts me in the position that I have the ability to help others when they need it. I was glad to be able to put my skills to use to help these people out.
With great power comes great responsibility. You’re awesome, Nick Ring.
Every few years, a TV network or a shoe company decides that sports guys should be super heroes. It happened with NFL Superpro, it happened with the Super Sluggers and now it’s happening to Kevin Durant. Or a Powerpuff Girl that sorta looks like Durant, I haven’t figured it out yet.
From the YouTube description:
The evil Dr. Deflation has escaped from Air Max security prison and is hellbent on stealing all of the world’s air. The Air Alliance made up of Charles Barkley, Ken Griffey Jr., Bo Jackson, Clay Matthews, Kevin Durant, Megan Rapinoe, and Allyson Felix, are on a mission to defeat him. Nike’s best Air products are available at Foot Locker including the Nike Air Max Griffey Fury, Nike Diamond Turf II, and the Nike Air Max NM.
If I’m making a Kevin Durant super hero named “Durantula” I’m gonna give him eight arms, or at least some sort of spider power more obvious than creating basketball Hadoukens.
Regardless, check out the preview video after the jump.
Via the Huffington Post today comes a story of triumph in the face of adversity, as Franklin Marcano and Gustavo Murillo are Mexican bullfighters looking for respect in their sport that has long been a source of controversy. Also, they’re dwarfs, so people really don’t take them seriously. But they’ve been fed up with being seen as a novelty act for the past few years and they’ve pressed on with their group of superheroes, and they continue to fight for all that is just for little people.
A part of the Original Bullfighting Dwarfs of Mexico, Marcano and Murillo are just two of the many men who have taken jobs with the Originals, as I’m calling them for my own convenience, and they’ve found a life of fame and moderate earnings traveling throughout North and South America. They even pride themselves on the fact that they don’t harm the bulls like fighters in other countries do. They just evade them, which they consider an art as much as a sport. I call it suicide, but whatevs.
Alison Brie And Danny Pudi Perform ‘Everybody Dance Now’ To Close Out ‘Community’ Season 3 Filming - Between this, the faux-Santa Baby thing and Trudy Campbell’s Charleston, Alison Brie is my favorite dancer. Sorry, Jabbazwockee. [UPROXX]
Chris Brown Has A New Pickup Line Sure To Make All The Ladies Melt - I also would’ve accepted, “my dancing looks mostly stupid but people say it’s cool, so date me or I’ll literally murder you”. [UPROXX]
Chris Brown Vs. Seagulls - I can’t wait for him to start abusing animals so people can be all, “what’s the big deal why don’t you forgive him??” [Buzzfeed]
7 Attractive People Landed Pilots This Week, Let’s Rank Them by Aesthetic Value - Worst part about the new Warming Glow — whatever aesthetic makes them decide Kate Moennig is less attractive than Kumar. [Warming Glow]
5 Things Tim Schafer Needs to do To Make His Fan-Funded Adventure Game Truly Great - Thing 6 – Change the name of it to ‘Lufia and the’ something something. Thing 7 – straight up Lufia game. [Gamma Squad]
7 WTF Endorsement Deals Featuring Rappers - If you like Beats By Dre, you’ll love being beaten by Chris Brown! etc. [Smoking Section]
Frotcast 87: ‘Ask a Porn Guy’ w/Seymore Butts, Lindy West vs. Penn Jillette - Again, is Shane from Shane’s World still alive, and if so, would she consider staying in my guest room for a few months? [Film Drunk]
Bill Oakley Tweets Top 10 ‘Simpsons’ Episode Pitches That Never Made It To Air For 500th Episode - “Homer gets a job as a ____. Is worried that he and Marge may get divorced. Accidentally hurts himself!” has been the plot of every episode since like, 200. [HuffPost Comedy]
TMZ asks the question of our time. Emma Stone or Rooney Mara who would you rather? - Mara, but only if she was Dragon Tattoo’d up. Emma Stone is pretty, but too Modern Drew Barrymore Faced for my tastes. [FARK]
Hipster Cat Is the Only Dubstep DJ You’ll Ever Need - Wait, now HIPSTERS listen to dubstep? Get your broad generalizations in order, Internet. [The FW]
Capes? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Capes! The Best Superhero Movies Not Based On A Comic Book (Or Other Source Material) - I like Unbreakable so much it justified me seeing at least three terrible M. Night Shyamalan movies in a row. The Last Airbender was the last straw. See you in Hell, M. Night. [Pajiba]
Watch the Trailer for ‘Marley,’ Kevin Macdonald’s Documentary About Bob Marley - Spoiler alert: Marley dies at the end. Wait, are we talking about the same movie? [Brobible|Alison Brie And Danny Pudi Perform ‘Everybody Dance Now’ To Close Out ‘Community’ Season 3 Filming |UPROXX]
This isn't exactly new, but it's new to me, which is good enough when I'm mailing it in. Which is always. Bonus points here for a solid mix of perfectly re-created shots from Top Gun with sly twists on superheroes' powers. And you can never go wrong with a Kenny Loggins soundtrack.
Mad props shall be awarded to the finest Top Gun quote mash-up. I'm gonna go with, "That's right, Aquaman. I am dangerous."