I just tuned in to see what condition her condition was in.

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Here’s Madonna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Extravaganza, Featuring M.I.A. Flipping America Off - And now, the real one. I would’ve given anything for Kratos to show up and brutally murder everyone on stage. [UPROXX]

Memory Lane: Vintage Nike Ads - Somebody needs to make a loop of these with the Earl Woods DID YA LEARN ANYTHING speech over it. [Smoking Section]

Subway Graffiti Artists Turn Offensive ‘Mad Men’ Ads Into Awesome ‘Mad Men’ Ads - These are awesome, but I’d be happier if someone could turn an ad into a time machine and move us forward a couple of months so we could watch this goddamn show. [Warming Glow]

Star Trek: The Next Generation on Blu-ray Looks Way Better Than You Ever Thought a 25-Year-Old Syndicated TV Show Could - Now let’s get Deep Space Nine out on blu-ray so people who watch Star Trek can realize they’re stupid and that it is the best ever. [Gamma Squad]

Can’t A Guy Order A Big Black Dildo Online Without Getting All Kinds Of Pervy Junkmail? - I know, I ordered 3 Superbook DVDs like four years ago and have been getting HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS junkmail ever since. YES I HAVE HEARD IT. [UPROXX]

Susan G. Komen Demonstrates Perfectly How To Destroy Your Brand On The Internet - I don’t think she’s a bad person, I think she’s Ozymandias and we haven’t had a time to hear her doomsday speech. [UPROXX]

Chronicle Review: Can a cheap gimmick ruin a great story? - As someone who watches a lot of pro wrestling, uh, yes, yes it can. It can also ruin bad stories. [Film Drunk]

When Drunk-Dialing Goes Wrong: Drake Sued By “Marvin’s Room” Ex - I’m gonna drunk dial my ex with a radio edited “youda youda bess” and see if she sues. Chef! [Smoking Section]

Lana Del Rey Returns To SNL In The Form Of Kristen Wiig - They needed to more directly point out that it wasn’t what she did or looked like, it was that her song sounded super bad. pBuzzfeed]

13 Puppy Stampedes - nyah hee hee nyah hee hee [HuffPost Comedy]

Michael Cera tries to grow a mustache. With results that are pretty much just what you’d expect - Please don’t ruin the Arrested Development movie with your stupid personal bullsh*t, Cera, the rest of the world isn’t interested in Paper Hearts. [FARK]

Steven Van Zandt Crushes ‘Sopranos’ Movie Dreams - Turns out Tony Soprano died in a plane crash, and now whenever they play Freebird they put his hat on the mic stand. [Moviefone]

Gary Oldman’s Dramatic Recounting of Snooki’s Urinary Tract Infection - Somewhere Chris Walken is getting upset about Gary stepping on his toes. [Pajiba]

A Gallery of the Most Egregious Video Game Console Knockoffs - The “Wee” mini-DVD player is more or less the Monald Muck of consoles. Also, lol @ the Super Megason. [Unreality]

Our friends at Kissing Suzy Kobler are Tom Brady’s photoshopped balls-deep in a Super Bowl open discussion thread, so if you’re the type who likes football, head over and shoot the sh*t with them. The best I can offer is “Silk Spectre II is doing a great job singing the Star-Spangled Banner”.

Yeah, they’re probably the ones you wanna watch the Super Bowl with.

GO THERE NOW

Edit: oh sh*t puppy bowl is on

"Yes, you - the lowly, pathetic ant in the back of the room pretending like I should even acknowledge you."

In case you were trying to block it out of your mind, or if you have simply pretended that the Super Bowl hasn’t had a halftime show since 2004, Madonna is performing a 12-minute set at Super Bowl XLVI on Sunday. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the NFL believed that we wanted to see a 53-year old woman in fishnet stockings perform osteoporosis-friendly dance moves while lip syncing 30-year old songs, she also had a chance to speak with reporters yesterday in Indianapolis, and I hate to say it, but I think we’ve had Madge all wrong.

Golly, I reckon she’s just a small town girl tryin’ to make a dream come true so she can tell her pa that she finally made it, gosh darn shuck ‘em.

“This is a Midwesterner girl’s dream to be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show,” said Madonna, who was born in Bay City, Michigan.

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-oriented or freaked out as much as I have … trying to make the most major show at this Super Bowl,” she added. (Via Reuters)

I can’t even imagine the insane prep work that goes into picking out a medley of old songs and sending them to a producer with a note that reads: “Make modern, K?” Luckily, she’s receiving some performance help from younger, hipper artists like Cee Lo Green, Nicki Minaj and LMFAO. So basically, you could staple live squirrels to your nude body and you still wouldn’t be the worst dressed person at the Super Bowl.

But we’re being too tough on Madonna, who spent at least a decade pretending to be British. This performance, she said, is the one thing that she’ll have done in her career that her father would be most proud of. When asked for comment, her father’s spirit responded, “Yeah, no sh*t.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Like most people, I watch the Super Bowl for the slam dunks.

Thanks to Cameron Smith at Prep Rally, my dream of watching New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski dunk on a bunch of high schoolers with Franz Ferdinand playing in the background has finally come true … turns out that before he was inspiring Twisted Sister covers and making Bibi Jones ply her trade off the clock he was simply a gigantic f**king high schooler who could jump slightly and monster jam it home. Pretty cool.

At least now we know how he managed to graduate. It certainly wasn’t his grades in Spanish.

Denver Broncos quarterback and evangelical beefcake Tim Tebow was a guest on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, as Fallon aired his show from Indianapolis this week with a Super Bowl XLVI theme. It was inevitable that Fallon would ask him what he thought of his recent “Tebowie” character, which, of course, was a hilarious combination of David Bowie and Tim Tebow that Fallon used to sing a new version of Bowie’s “Space Oddity.” Last night, Tebow played along for humor’s sake and got a nice dig in on Fallon by questioning his pitch on the song. At least I think that’s what he said, because the crowd wouldn’t shut up.

Seriously, it sounded like Tebow was performing on Def Comedy Jam, but even more remarkable was the zeal with which Fallon asked his questions. I’m surprised he didn’t conduct the interview while sitting on his lap and brushing his hair. But the ridiculous love for Tebow aside, I couldn’t help but giggle with delight when Fallon asked Tebow to sign a Broncos jersey and then fire it into the crowd with a t-shirt gun. Somebody had to have stopped and said, “Hey, this might cause a riot.” And then everyone laughed.

And after the Tebow video I’ve included the best of Fallon’s “Late Night at the Super Bowl” because I don’t stay up that late and watch most of his stuff online when I wake up in the morning and take my Ovaltine. And please do yourself a favor and watch the Real Housewives of Late Night in Indianapolis. Dallas Clark in drag. It’s Emmy material.

Read the rest of this entry »

These people: the reason you'll stop watching football.

Unless I can’t figure out how to get Ghorbash the Iron Hand to follow me through a ruin in Skyrim without bugging out and getting lost in the walls, this is the least important problem you’ll read about today: the NFL and Nike are concerned that if they use the Roman numeral “L” to represent the number 50 in 2016′s Super Bowl 50, people will think the Super Bowl and Nike mean “loser”. Remember when Super Bowl 30 happened and people started masturbating to it?

MyFoxDC.com expounds on the origin problem, going to great lengths to say, “hey, remember when Ace Ventura said loo-hoo-hoo zer-her? That’s what we’re worried about”.

In the 2003 book “Field Guide to Gestures,” the “loser gesture” was referenced as forming the letter L on your forehead with your index finger and thumb. The book offered a five-step primer that ended, “Say ‘loser’ with derision, generally elongating the first syllable.”

The sign has perpetuated in movies and TV shows since at least the 1990s. Most recently, the symbol was featured in promotional materials for “Glee” and has become something like a secret handshake for “Gleeks” since the show’s 2009 premiere.

L can mean a lot of things. Have you ever picked up a large shirt, looked at the tag and though “ugh, I can’t wear this, look at this tag, people will think I’m a loser“? Have you ever picked up a copy of ELLE magazine and flipped though it for LAN Party tips? Hopefully by the time 2016 rolls around, Glee will be long-canceled and the people in charge of the biggest sporting event on the planet will say, “okay, it’s a letter, let’s move on with our lives”. Or maybe they’ll call it SUPER BOWLL and go for a Lloyd Moseby vibe.

Until then, we have to out the people who get a hard-on from this as the world’s true losers:

“L standing for loser with a Nike swoosh right above it — I love that,” said Blake Lundberg, general manager of Adidas’ sports licensed division.

[h/t Fark Sports]