The Taiwan Super Bowl has happened. It featured exploding birds, bloody steamroller deaths, the New England Patriots being killed with boulders, Beyonce being set on fire, and two sneaky fat guys unplugging the power. It’s … pretty much everything you’d want out of the Taiwan Super Bowl.

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Links

7 New Jersey Bands That Could Play Next Year’s Super Bowl Halftime |UPROXX|

5 Things You Need To Know Today From The ‘Breaking Bad’ Universe |Warming Glow|

Pacific Rim Photos: The Black Knight is a giant robot who fights Godzilla now |Film Drunk|

St. Louis Had A Dog Parade And It Was Classier And More Intelligent Than Others |With Leather|

Gamma Squad’s Ultimate Guide To Comics For Beginners, Part Three: The Big Four Publishers |Gamma Squad|

4 Terrible NBA Teams With Bright Futures |Smoking Section|

Daring Feats Of Drunken Ravens Revelry |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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It’s impossible to overstate the brilliance and cultural impact of ‘The Simpsons’. It’s the reason why most of us think what we think is funny is funny, whether we’ll admit it or not.

It’s just as impossible to agree on what constitutes the “golden age” of the show. Everyone agrees that there’s a certain time frame in which ‘The Simpsons’ was the best show on television (and possibly ever), but we all have a different interpretation of when that era started and stopped. Some people think it was the first 9 or 10 season. Some people narrow that down to 1-8. Some people with impossible f**king standards think it peaked from seasons 3-5, or even 4.

For this week’s Sports On TV column, I used the most generally agreed-upon definition of the show’s prime: season 2 through season 8. Tackling the best sports moments of a monster like ‘The Simpsons’ is tough, so consider this a Part 1 of its own series, destined to include a Part 2, Part 3, and even a Part 4, should we delve into those wretched, later season guest star hives like “Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass”.

So please enjoy the 20 best sports moments from the golden age of ‘The Simpsons,’ and be sure to drop us a comment and share your love. Special thanks to Ari Amaru for the screencaps.

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"I say zibbity, you say bop! ZIBBITY!"

I guess I haven’t been paying enough attention to NFL news, because apparently there was a rumor going around that Van Halen – the David Lee Roth Van Halen and not one of the other guys – was already locked in as the halftime act for Super Bowl 47 in New Orleans. Well, it makes sense that I hadn’t heard that rumor, because it was most likely started by Van Halen’s psychotic front man.

So how exactly do you shoot down a rumor that you started while not actually shooting it down? Please allow David Lee Roth to show you precisely how it’s done, in the classic form of the open letter.

An Open Letter

I’m compelled to address the now-rampant rumors that Van Halen is playing the Superbowl. First of all let me say this — be still my pigskin heart. That honor has not been bestowed upon us at this time though it is one we would accept in a NY minute.

Having heard VH blaring through stadium speakers on any given Sunday – more like every given Sunday, the idea of playing there live would be like – ‘okay, now we’re in the game’.

Van Halen’s collective memories are – and with all due respect to each and every one of these memories, teeming with been-theres and done-that’s, but none include playing at the Superbowl. Playing at the Superbowl is a veritable holy grail of musical recognition, a highly prized rite of passage for (game-changing) artists. Not a spiritual rite with snake pits or Hebrew school or anything, but it’s up there.

We are not on Commissioner Goodell’s dance card at this time, but we would be most honored to dance the halftime away in New Orleans.

It’s an honor to be considered and for that we would like to thank the rumormongers all over the World Wide Web.

- D-Ro

First of all, I love that he calls himself D-Ro, because that’s just ridiculous. But I’m all for this, because as Spin points out, this is the same Van Halen that can reunite and sell 188,000 copies of its new album in its first week and then sell out arenas across the country, because people are desperate to believe that a couple guys in their mid-50s can recapture their old magic. And then the band turns around and inexplicably cancels 32 shows, offering no reason at all.

So yes, I’d love to see Van Halen get everyone worked up, only to no show the Super Bowl. Then we could just watch that dude bounce his crotch off a rope for 20 minutes. Maybe trot Kate Upton out there with a trampoline. Dream big, everyone.

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