Despite being a bro who loves the ladies, I’ve never really enjoyed Go Daddy’s overly suggestive Super Bowl spots, because they typically lack creativity. And that doesn’t just apply to Go Daddy either, as I think that the majority of scorn dished out at Mercedes and its Super Bowl ad featuring Kate Upton stemmed from people just thinking it wasn’t very clever. That’s why I’m tipping my sweet fedora to Go Daddy today for its very simple yet considerably more ingenious ad for Super Bowl 47.
The commercial features super duper DUPER model Bar Refaeli making out with some dweeby dude, while recent divorcee (and current girlfriend of official NASCAR racer of With Leather Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.) Danica Patrick says something. I don’t know what she says because every time I’ve watched Bar make out with this geek, I’ve heaved my monitor across my office.
As has become customary in this YouTube era, companies no longer wait for the Super Bowl to actually air their Super Bowl ads, which is why any outrage from PornHub’s executives would be about as real as a Faye Reagan orgasm. At the very least, many companies have started leaking “teaser ads” – which is wholly absurd – like Mercedes’ Kate Upton car wash ad or Volkswagen’s Star Wars dogs, but most companies have just said, “F*ck it, here’s the whole commercial” because they love when bros like me write about them.
Speaking of Volkswagen, the German car company’s Super Bowl 47 ad hit the cat tubes earlier this week and it already has more than 3 million views on YouTube. Of course, it’s not because the commercial is any good – it’s okay, I guess – it’s because people think that white people doing Jamaican voices is racist.
Gee, I wonder if Volkswagen’s ad team saw all of this attention coming when they filmed this commercial.
This isn’t really anything new. Each year, at least one controversial company submits a Super Bowl commercial for airtime approval and it is shot down because no matter what the content is, the network wants nothing to do with that company. It could be a 5-second spot of an open field, but as long as that 5-seconds concludes with a NAMBLA logo, that spot will never see airtime. That’s why it comes as no surprise that CBS shot down PornHub’s oh-so-innocent 20-second spot for Super Bowl 47.
The spot, which you can view after the jump, features two old people sitting on a bench. That’s it. Well, there’s also some light music, but there’s nothing else out of the ordinary that might suggest, say, amateur bondage or a Brazilian fart fetish, but the mere inclusion of that PornHub logo is a dead giveaway that no network would have even taken a second glance.
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Another day, another Super Bowl commercial released on the Internet. One of these days, I may reach out to an ad exec to ask why these companies spend $3.5 million and more to air their ads during the biggest sporting event of the year, only to show them on the Internet for weeks in advance. Until then, Acura is the latest company to “leak” its huge Super Bowl ad, and it’s clear that the car company is swinging for the fences in the wake of Honda’s Ferris Bueller revival. Acura enlisted comedian Jerry Seinfeld as a man hellbent on being the first person to receive whatever the company’s brand new model is, and the results are… a commercial.
I’m not much for the idea of criticizing commercials, as most of them suck. I’d say that 98% of regular, day-to-day commercials are absolutely horrible, and while Super Bowl ads used to be a time-honored tradition of creativity, they’re probably running a 60/40 good-to-suck ratio these days. Obviously, we’ve declared the Volkswagen “Dark Side” ads to be Hall-of-Famers with the “leaking” of this year’s ad teaser featuring dogs singing the Empire theme from Star Wars. But while I can appreciate a good Soup Nazi cameo, Acura isn’t giving me anything that I can’t already see every night on TBS and my local UPN channel. And Jay Leno? Ugh. Even if I could afford an Acura, this commercial would turn me off.
And when all else fails, just reference Star Wars, whether it fits your product or not.
How is it that Next Media Animation, the same news team who turned Ndamukong Suh into a zombie and showed Jerry Jones murder a child with fire breath, can so succinctly get to the heart of Super Bowl ads and why we’re all sheepish pieces of sh*t for enjoying them? They’ve got Volkswagen’s number with the Star Wars quote, and I’m pretty sure every GoDaddy.com writers’ meeting begins with a naked dancing lady with XXX across her chest. If Dennis Haysbert ever kills a guy with an insurance check and makes out with his widow they’ll be straight-up prophets.
It’s also pretty sad that Taiwanese animation, with all its hyperbolic imagery and blunt, warped English, could be less intellectually offensive than actual Super Bowl ads. Not necessarily the Bud Frogs or Betty White (who Taiwan makes look more like Martha Plimpton than Betty White) getting footballed for Snickers, but have you seen Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels bodypainting a model and getting all hot and bothered over Dot Co domain names? If you go to GoDaddy.com you can see more! On GoDaddy.com they show boobies, and the women make out and Danica Patrick gets f**ked with a fitness roller, I’m assuming!