We don’t get to talk about late night talk shows very much, not since Magic Johnson made sure that no athlete would ever again grace the stage of a major network. Fortunately, while Jay Leno and Charlie Sheen were busy tap-dancing on Johnny Carson’s grave, Jimmy Fallon was cheaply pandering to us Internet sports geeks with two things that we love more than our own mothers – the Super Bowl and puppies.

Fallon was doing his letters shtick and revealed a very good question from one of his viewers:

“Hey Jimmy, do you think you can predict the Super Bowl and can you do it using puppies?”

Puppies, of course, are the most scientific of animal prognosticators, as octopi are actual psychics, camels are dark wizards and otters are simply frauds. Adorable, yes. But otters are basically the Miss Cleo of the ocean. So who did these adorable little Golden Retriever pups pick? See for yourself after the jump.

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Prior to this week, the most I’d ever known about anything involving deer came down to: 1) Venison is delicious as long as I convince myself it’s not Bambi and 2) You can buy deer piss in hunting stores. The latter, I’m sure, is common knowledge, but I learned about bottled deer urine in high school, when I thought it would be hilarious to buy two bottles and pour them out in my classrooms. Needless to say, I didn’t have many friends.

But this week the big buzz for the ignorant types like me involves deer antler spray, which apparently possesses some performance-enhancing drug-like qualities. That’s why some people are accusing Ray Lewis of using such a spray to boost his recovery time from his torn triceps injury earlier this season. Of course, Lewis has denied that he would ever consider using a PED to help make sure that he wouldn’t miss the remaining games of his final season, and the whole thing has him agitated to all heck. Heck, I say!

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This isn’t really anything new. Each year, at least one controversial company submits a Super Bowl commercial for airtime approval and it is shot down because no matter what the content is, the network wants nothing to do with that company. It could be a 5-second spot of an open field, but as long as that 5-seconds concludes with a NAMBLA logo, that spot will never see airtime. That’s why it comes as no surprise that CBS shot down PornHub’s oh-so-innocent 20-second spot for Super Bowl 47.

The spot, which you can view after the jump, features two old people sitting on a bench. That’s it. Well, there’s also some light music, but there’s nothing else out of the ordinary that might suggest, say, amateur bondage or a Brazilian fart fetish, but the mere inclusion of that PornHub logo is a dead giveaway that no network would have even taken a second glance.

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Bad news out of Kenner, Louisiana this week, as something called the “Beer Cave” has taken a man’s life.

Kenner Police say a man died inside a beer cooler at a convenient store on Airline Drive overnight, but no one knew he was there until they found his very cold body this morning.

“We have a gentleman that went into the Beer Cave, where you can go in and select beer from inside the cooler. It appears that he had experienced some type of medical problem,” Sgt. Brian McGregor told WWL First News.

McGregor says surveillance video shows the man clutching his chest in the cooler around 10:30pm last night and then collapsing. They found him after 7:00am.

The coroner is conducting an autopsy, but police do not suspect any foul play. (Via WWL First News)

First and foremost, I blame Coors Light’s latest ad campaign. Every time I see those guys chipping frosty beers out of mountains only to carry them through a cooler to thirsty tailgaters, I can’t help but think that someone out there has to be dumb enough to think that beer comes from a mountain. I mean, have you seen how stupid Facebook is making people?

But I don’t like to make fun of a person’s death unless it involves someone in Florida being shot because they pooped on someone’s floor and then masturbated. Instead, I see this strange death as a precautionary tale for everyone as the Super Bowl approaches.

Be careful, NFL fans. We already have bizarre stories of fans falling from their upper deck seats and bros puking all over women’s bathrooms because they’re too wasted. Let’s look out for our fellow NFL fans and especially those who like to enjoy a few adult beverages during the big game, because as this collection of GIFs tells us, responsible drinking should be joyous.

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"I say zibbity, you say bop! ZIBBITY!"

I guess I haven’t been paying enough attention to NFL news, because apparently there was a rumor going around that Van Halen – the David Lee Roth Van Halen and not one of the other guys – was already locked in as the halftime act for Super Bowl 47 in New Orleans. Well, it makes sense that I hadn’t heard that rumor, because it was most likely started by Van Halen’s psychotic front man.

So how exactly do you shoot down a rumor that you started while not actually shooting it down? Please allow David Lee Roth to show you precisely how it’s done, in the classic form of the open letter.

An Open Letter

I’m compelled to address the now-rampant rumors that Van Halen is playing the Superbowl. First of all let me say this — be still my pigskin heart. That honor has not been bestowed upon us at this time though it is one we would accept in a NY minute.

Having heard VH blaring through stadium speakers on any given Sunday – more like every given Sunday, the idea of playing there live would be like – ‘okay, now we’re in the game’.

Van Halen’s collective memories are – and with all due respect to each and every one of these memories, teeming with been-theres and done-that’s, but none include playing at the Superbowl. Playing at the Superbowl is a veritable holy grail of musical recognition, a highly prized rite of passage for (game-changing) artists. Not a spiritual rite with snake pits or Hebrew school or anything, but it’s up there.

We are not on Commissioner Goodell’s dance card at this time, but we would be most honored to dance the halftime away in New Orleans.

It’s an honor to be considered and for that we would like to thank the rumormongers all over the World Wide Web.

- D-Ro

First of all, I love that he calls himself D-Ro, because that’s just ridiculous. But I’m all for this, because as Spin points out, this is the same Van Halen that can reunite and sell 188,000 copies of its new album in its first week and then sell out arenas across the country, because people are desperate to believe that a couple guys in their mid-50s can recapture their old magic. And then the band turns around and inexplicably cancels 32 shows, offering no reason at all.

So yes, I’d love to see Van Halen get everyone worked up, only to no show the Super Bowl. Then we could just watch that dude bounce his crotch off a rope for 20 minutes. Maybe trot Kate Upton out there with a trampoline. Dream big, everyone.

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