Last week, we showed our respect and quasi-admiration to a young actor named Jesse Heiman because someone at Go Daddy’s ad agency thought that he was king dork enough to make out with super duper model Bar Refaeli for the company’s Super Bowl ad. The commercial was certainly far better than the past several years of Go Daddy’s “Hey, check out our large-breasted models and Danica Patrick” efforts, which while right up our alley, were far less than creative.

Alas, friends, there is a much darker side to Super Bowl ad fame that has been a relatively unspoken terror in the past, but now it is coming to the forefront of pop culture news, thanks to Mr. Heiman thinking he’s Senor Big Sh*t all of a sudden.

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"I just... I just wish I had some pudding."

There was plenty for San Francisco 49ers fans to be bummed about in Super Bowl 47, from Colin Kaepernick throwing the first interception in the team’s glorious Super Bowl history to the team losing its first Super Bowl in six appearances to the questionable no-call on the possible holding on their 4th down play to the Ravens seemingly being offside on the 49ers’ 2-point conversion attempt that would have tied the game to not having Huey Lewis and the News involved at all. While I’m not necessarily agreeing with all of that, I’m just saying that 49ers fans are justified in their sadness.

However, that all ends today. Already underway in at least two areas – Bart at the Main library and Sutter at Sansome – Jell-O is giving away free pudding to the people of San Francisco as a way to cheer them up after their Super Bowl 47 loss. In all, there are five locations for hippies and flower children to get their snack on.

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You know what the only thing worse than reading the endless filler crap that every newspaper and magazine pumps out during the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl is? The endless filler crap that comes out this week. I spent the better part of my day today reading people arguing about how CBS handled the 34-minute blackout during Super Bowl 47 last night. And tomorrow I plan to read people’s arguments about why Baltimore supposedly didn’t commit an offside penalty on San Francisco’s two-point conversion attempt.

I know, I can’t believe this is my life either. Anywho, now that the football season is over, our sports viewing options are limited, with only NBA, NHL, NASCAR, PGA, NCAA basketball, NCAA baseball, UFC and Bellator. Damn it, baseball! Won’t you hurry back to us?

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I have a confession to make – I’m a huge conspiracy nut. However, I’m not saying that I’m the kind of guy who will slap on a tin foil hat every time the government passes a law. I just love watching people dissect the most trivial of things and pretend that it’s code for some massive conspiracy. For example, have you ever watched the Jay Z Illuminati videos? Batsh*t, right? But there are people who legitimately believe that a secret society killed Whitney Houston in order to allow Blue Ivey Carter to join. At the very least, I respect their devotion.

Despite my fervor for these theories, though, I don’t like to post them that much, because spreading the gospel isn’t always a good thing. That’s why when someone sent me a video about how The Dark Knight Rises supposedly predicted the Aurora and Sandy Hook shootings, and it may also have a message buried within about a massacre at Super Bowl 47, I was like, “Nah, someone else have fun with that.”

And while there was obviously no massacre yesterday in New Orleans, I have to admit that the Super Bowl’s bizarre power outage might have turtle-headed a little fear poop.

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"Look at him throw the sports ball!"

I know that not everybody out there is a fan of violent competition like professional football, and some people just aren’t interested in watching the Baltimore Ravens take on the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47 on Sunday. Thankfully, there are like 8 million channels and a variety of other shows to watch, and that begins and ends with the Game Show Network’s Dancing with the Stars marathon.

Beginning at 5 PM ET on Sunday, you can watch your favorite dancing partners, including:

Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony Dovolani
Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas
Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough
Priscilla Presley and Louis Van Amstel
Mario and Karina Smirnoff
Marlee Matlin and Fabian Sanchez
Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl Burke
Jason Taylor and Edyta Śliwińska

I know who less than half of those people are!

Anyway, I hope everyone who is watching that marathon enjoys it, because I will be outside your homes, letting the air out of your tires.

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"On this next take, maybe try no shirt."

“A great Super Bowl commercial tells a story,” says some girl as the behind-the-scenes look at Kate Upton’s already-famous Mercedes Super Bowl ad begins. “No it doesn’t,” I reply as I think back to the zero times that I’ve ever yelled, “Shut up everyone, I want to hear the words to this car commercial”, in between pouring tequila bombs at a Super Bowl party. A good Super Bowl commercial, according to me, is short and sweet, with a softball setup and a home run punchline.

Take, for instance, the “Running of the Squirrels” commercial from several years ago. I don’t know what EDS is, but I remember this EDS commercial all these years later because it was simple. Upton’s Mercedes commercial, though, isn’t as memorable, at least not compared to her previous Carl’s Jr. ad. However, in Mercedes’ defense, what we saw was just a teaser, and there’s a much more elaborate concept in store for us come Sunday (or after the jump).

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