Warming Glow usually handles weekly recaps of Saturday Night Live right after it airs. As a site that updates Monday through Friday we don’t always get that timely Sunday morning bump, but SNL covered the Super Bowl Blackout and I’ll be damned if I don’t dedicate a post to Jay Pharoah’s Shannon Sharpe impression.

Here’s what the folks at WG (where I one day hope to lord over everyone with my ‘Arthur’ jokes and terrible pro wrestling recaps) had to say about the cold open:

Nice of the SNL makeup department to make Tim Robinson look like Bill Cowher’s thawed-out corpse. Anyway, the cold open started slowly before delivering some solid lines in the final two minutes. JB (the black JB, not the wannabe-black JB) admitting he’s never actually seen 2 Broke Girls was a nice touch, and making Jay Pharoah’s Shannon Sharpe reveal, “Ray Lewis knows who killed those people, because it was him!” was what was missing from last episode’s Weekend Update Ray-Ray appearance. Not a great opener, but not bad, either.

If you missed it, video is below. I guess they couldn’t find a realistic Dan Marino wig.

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Mater Dei School’s principal is Harvey Dent. He’s the type who leaves things like “will we have school today” to chance. He organized an assembly and gave his students the opportunity to be off the Monday after Super Bowl XLVII, but only if they could make free throws under pressure.

He let an eighth-grader shoot a three-pointer for the day off, and the eighth-grader failed. A seventh-grader failed, too.

Finally, first-grader Blake Harper stepped up to the free throw line for his shot at glory. Spoiler alert: he drains the shot, and is then immediately overtaken by a zombie wave of excited school children (including a tall, blonde kid who I’ll assume is their leader, because he holds up his arms and steps back to survey his works). No report on how Blake or the others spent their Monday, but I guess at least one of them spent it in traction.

You are a true hero to anyone who loves weird principals and hates going to school, Blake.

[h/t to Bob's Blitz]

Get the door, it’s crippling stomach problems.

Takeru Kobayashi, the world famous competitive eater and six-time champion of Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, guzzled down a whole 12-inch pizza pie in exactly one minute while hanging out at a Super Bowl Party on Sunday. (via The Daily What)

Kobayashi’s effort, which is more or less the exact opposite of Avoiding The Noid, is after the jump. Viewer warning: it contains the grosses thing a person can do*.

*eat Domino’s pizza

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The Taiwan Super Bowl has happened. It featured exploding birds, bloody steamroller deaths, the New England Patriots being killed with boulders, Beyonce being set on fire, and two sneaky fat guys unplugging the power. It’s … pretty much everything you’d want out of the Taiwan Super Bowl.

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Links

7 New Jersey Bands That Could Play Next Year’s Super Bowl Halftime |UPROXX|

5 Things You Need To Know Today From The ‘Breaking Bad’ Universe |Warming Glow|

Pacific Rim Photos: The Black Knight is a giant robot who fights Godzilla now |Film Drunk|

St. Louis Had A Dog Parade And It Was Classier And More Intelligent Than Others |With Leather|

Gamma Squad’s Ultimate Guide To Comics For Beginners, Part Three: The Big Four Publishers |Gamma Squad|

4 Terrible NBA Teams With Bright Futures |Smoking Section|

Daring Feats Of Drunken Ravens Revelry |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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In the worst results-reporting since Other Guy defeated What’s-His-Face, the NFL Network — you know, the network with “NFL” in its name — declared the San Francisco 49ers the winners of Super Bowl XVLII, knocking off the Ravens 34-31.

@bubbaprog shared this picture via Twitter. I don’t see how the football channel could get the result of the most important-possible football game incorrect moments after it happened, but I have three theories:

1. The NFL overturned the result, because whatever, they do what they want.

2. @bubbaprog lives in an alternate, concurrent, ‘Sliders’-style universe where Joe Flacco’s eliteness wasn’t vindicated and the 49ers really did pull off the victory. Also in this universe, Ray Lewis is an accessory to NOT stabbing a guy.

3. The NFL Network is dumb.

Theory 2 is the most reasonable one so far.

The Baltimore Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII, but the highlight for me (besides the lights going out and The Shield putting Colin Kaepernick through a table) was Joe Flacco’s description of the win as “f**kin’ awesome.” You are absolutely right, Joe Flacco.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

The Internet’s 10 Best Tributes To Bill Murray’s ‘Groundhog Day’ |UPROXX|

Tumblr Hero Has Been Leaking Pages From The ‘Entourage’ Movie Script |Warming Glow|

Gas Up the Van: Spring Breakers has a restricted trailer |Film Drunk|

Rampage Jackson Is Acting Like Rampage Jackson With The Ladies Again |With Leather|

Kate Upton Says She Has A Hidden Talent For Playing Video Games, Can Beat Anyone At Mario Kart |Gamma Squad|

“Bi-Racial” Is The Best Pop-Locking Ode To Mixed-Race Women You’ll Hear Today |Smoking Section|

Go Sports Team! |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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